I’m shaking with anger

[hooveringhamabeads]

Have been with bf for a year. I told him from the off that if I ever found out that he’d been looking through my phone or computer, that would be a deal breaker for me. This is because of a very abusive relationship I had in the past, where he hacked my computer and phone and monitored my every move for years. He knew all that.

Things have been really good lately. We had a heart to heart a couple of weeks ago about various things, one of them being I was worried about how much he drinks. He took that on board and has completely stopped drinking since then. Things have been great and we were feeling a lot closer.

This morning I went downstairs because there was someone at the door, he was still in bed. I was down there for a few minutes, then made him a cup of tea and came back up. I opened my phone and it was open on WhatsApp, on a message conversation between me and my ex boyfriend of a few years ago. There has been no contact with him for a long time so the messages were way down the list of conversations.

Straight away I said “you’ve been through my phone haven’t you?”. He denied it and said he wouldn’t even know how to get into my phone. I knew he was lying so we sat there in silence for a few minutes.

Then he asked for a cuddle and I said I didn’t really feel like a cuddle, as I knew he’d been through my phone. He then broke down and admitted it, and said he’d been feeling really insecure and just needed reassurance that I wasn’t cheating on him. I lost my shit and told him that I’d made it perfectly clear from the start that this was a dealbreaker for me, and not only had he done it but then tried to gaslight me about it.

I told him to leave, which after a bit of crying and pleading and apologising he did. I made him give my key back.

I’m just in shock at the moment, and so angry. I’m wondering if that was the first time, probably not. I don’t want to be with someone who I can’t trust, and I can’t trust him now can I?

I think you saying that at the beginning of the relationship was like saying to him, "I won't trust you". I think you went into it thinking he was going to be exactly the same as your ex and I don't think he has been.

He shouldn't have lied, but I think he's going to have learned his lesson. I'm not saying that you should have him back with open arms straight away, by all means let him stew a day or two, (maybe tell him you need some space), but if you've been really happy with each other, and he's taken serious issues on board, like his drinking, I think you should give him another chance. Don't throw it away.

I think there is an inherent problem with "forbidding" people to look at things. Despite your explain, it will trigger worry in anyone. OP, in future I think it would be better to say "I had a situation with someone going through all my stuff and it really bothered me, I have nothing to hide but if you want to look at my phone etc anytime please just tell me." If a boyfriend had told me in firm terms never to look at his phone, I'd immediately start thinking he was hiding something and even question whether his reasons were an excuse.

I had an ex who trawled through my computer, quizzed me about who people were in old photos from years before we'd met, alleged men in old photos were boyfriends I'd not disclosed to him (why should I anyway?), definitely went through my phone and must have done some extensive searching through my paperwork to find my decree absolute from 12 years ago to get my ExH's name so he could contact him and ask questions about me. I had done nothing to prompt any of this and I was angry. However, now, I don't assume anyone else will behave like this unless I have an indication that they are doing. I wouldn't ever tell people explicitly not to look through my stuff - it goes without saying

It's definitely your right to set this boundary and stick with it now that it's been crossed. You told him the consequences so he looked knowing this.

If you'd been together for longer I would however say that it's a little unfair. I can't think of anyone I know that hasn't wanted to crosscheck some unusual behaviour and because of their past feel unable to ask their partner as they have been burned this way before. But if you have done nothing to make him suspect something and he's just looked at your phone due to his own unwarranted insecurities or curiosity then after just one year maybe this relationship isn't heading in a good direction anyway.

I find those that have the most to hide tend to be very protective of their phones. My ExW was on it all the time and took great steps to make sure I could never check it. If a new partner said from the start that her phone was off limits I'd end the relationship right there and then. I'd not want to be checking anything but like others it would ring alarm bells for me and I don't want to be constantly 'looking over my shoulder' or have a feeling of mistrust.

Oh and she was cheating btw so had reason to hide her phone habits.

I don't think anyone said it was alright for him to go through her phone.

What was said was maybe he had a reason, even if it's one she doesn't accept or is simply unacceptable, as well as pointing out the double standards that exist on this site. If a woman feels insecure and thinks her partner's cheating she's told to check his phone. If a man does it then he's a complete and utter cunt and should have accepted her reasons for saying it was off bounds. Whichever way you cut it it's double standards.

And some folks are going over the top, I mean for gods sake some people are calling him an alchohlic. She's no where near said he's an alcoholic. Functioning or otherwise. She said she's worried about how much he drank. She's not said how much that is. It could be a pint a night for all we know.

Looking at your phone is not the same as controlling or monitoring you. You can't punish any new partner for your past relationship.

How is it not monitoring.
And it is controlling, though unless you have been there it's hard to understand. When you have a partner that goes through you phone, you start being careful what you write, to friends, to family etc. Even to work colleagues. You don't want to appear to friendly in case your phone is snooped at and the insecure person reads too much into it.

It makes you start changing your normal behaviour. Have the constant thoughts about how your insecure Dp will interpret that. It's mentally draining and horrible. It's like being watched. Constantly, 24 hours a day. Nothing is private.

She isn't punishing him. She told him her line. He chose to stay in the relationship, he chose to cross her line. The cinsquences of that have come about because he crossed the line that he agreed to.

m0vinf0rward and tons of cheaters aren't protective. Because they a second phone. Or delete everything and block their affair partner while at home.

Some people are very good at cheating. Seeing someone's phone is not a guarantee

Monitoring is keeping something under constant surveillance. Controlling is managing someone's behaviour, Checking someone's phone once is neither controlling or monitoring, and right now all she knows is he did it once.

DiamondsBestFriend Why are you going to extremes and talking about "would it then be ok to install a tracker in his car? Hidden camera? Recording device? Keyloggers on his laptop? Hire a private investigator?". That's way OTT. The man slipped up, because he was insecure. Yes, he was wrong, but it didn't necessarily have to be the end of the relationship.This could have been discussed calmly and either resolved or the relationship ended amicably.

No one is saying the OP should expect or tolerate the things you suggest. Just to accept that people are fallible, there may be fault on both sides and most of us are well aware that no one's perfect including ourselves but most people are able to maintain relationships regardless.

Bluntness100

In her post of 12.21 the OP describes him as a 'functioning alcoholic'.

Notacluewhatthisis I agree, he shouldn't have done what he did and I wouldn't tolerate it either. I'm simply saying that her previous relationship has been the catalyst of failure for this one. Had OP not emphasised the phone issue I doubt he would have felt insecure and suspicious. It's not normal to have to tell your partner not to invade your privacy so of course he would find that suspicious.

People are deliberately re-writing the OP here to suit their own agenda’s. The OP has said that her phone wasn’t hidden, it was left in plain sight,

And to the PP saying that going through your phone isn’t abusive or monitoring, have you been there? Do you actually know what it’s like to find out someone has been watching your every move online? To know that you can’t have a single conversation without someone else knowing exactly what you’ve said and when, etc etc?

I am not protective over my phone, I leave it lying around because a) I have no reason to hide it and b) I trusted him to respect my wishes and not go through it.

Someone asked what he is like with his phone...he usually has it on him but he knows no one else can get in it because it can only be opened with his fingerprint. Not that I ever had any thoughts or reason to even think about going through his phone.

The messages in question were from someone I was seeing for 9 months a few years ago, not the arsehole one in the book. We broke up amicably because he lived 200 miles away and we hardly saw each other, but remained friends, although just through WhatsApp messaging. He was a lecturer in the same subject I was studying for my degree, so he helped me out here and there with that. I think yes he would have quite liked to get back together but was happy to just be friends. When I got together with current/latest bf he had massive issues that me and my ex were still in touch, so I ghosted him, which I feel bad about. But the last messages between us were from not long after me and current/last bf got together. He scrolled right down past about 30 conversations to find them.

And the irony of all this is that I have literally NEVER cheated on anyone. He, however, has been unfaithful to all of his long term partners/wives, even if it wasn’t full sex.

And some folks are going over the top, I mean for gods sake some people are calling him an alchohlic. She's no where near said he's an alcoholic. Functioning or otherwise. She said she's worried about how much he drank. She's not said how much that is. It could be a pint a night for all we know

In her post of 12.21 the OP describes him as a 'functioning alcoholic'.

Whoops.

the double standards that exist on this site. If a woman feels insecure and thinks her partner's cheating she's told to check his phone. If a man does it then he's a complete and utter cunt

I'm copying and pasting my own post for anyone else who says this thread is an example of double standards:

Situation 1: Person A tells partner B at the start of the relationship that they suffered traumatic abuse, have PTSD, and that secretly going through their phone or computer will signify the end of the relationship. Person A is honest and open at all times and partner B is free to discuss their feelings, reach compromises, etc.

Situation 2: Person A is suddenly acting differently, hiding things when they haven't before, gets angry when partner B picks up their phone one time.

Anyone claiming they can't see the difference is either being deliberately obtuse or is just stupid.

You are punishing him for the sins of others.

You need to let the past go or you will never be happy in any relationship.

If you can get some counselling, that may really help. Good luck.

I haven't explicitly said it before but I would take it for a granted that you don't look at each other's phones without asking.

Quite. Someone's phone, laptop etc to me comes under the same heading as correspondence, diary etc. They are private. I wouldn't dream of looking without permission, and even if I was using someone's device for some reason, I'd never look at their personal files and documents. I'd take It for granted that anyone else would extend the same courtesy to me. It wouldn't occur to me that this was something that needed to be spelled out.

I think there are many red flags here. It doesn't sound like you even like this guy. You were with him a year and say he was an alcoholic.
You also know he was insecure about an ex you were with. Sounds like you were never a good match.
I don't get why you ghosted your ex? Why not just send him a message and be honest? Say new boyfriend is uncomfortable so you are stepping back for now and it's nothing personal.
I think you both bring a lot of baggage and could both probably use some therapy to work through this before entering a relationship.

You are punishing him for the sins of others.

Whether or not you think dumping him is OTT, fact is he snooped through her phone and lied about it.
Not exactly innocent.

I don't think that partners should look at each others' phones without permission.

but I think explicitly insisting someone can't to the point where looking at it once means the end of the relationship is not healthy.

And not being able to talk about your insecurities is not healthy either.

Frankly I don't think either OP or her DP should be in a relationship right now. They both need to sort their "issues" out.

I'm sorry that OP has had a relationship with a partner who controlled and monitored her. But she is focussing on the wrong thing. Surely the point is she wants a partner who doesn't monitor and control her in the future? This is nothing to do with whether he looks at her phone and computer.

Ok so you’re in a relationship with functioning alcoholic serial cheat.

I’d say your phone is the least of your worries.

It also confirms what the posters said who suggested that you haven’t really recovered from your past experience and established good boundaries for relationships yet.

The combination of damage and insecurity on both sides, and it turns out, infidelity on his part, is potentially toxic.

It sounds like it's best that the 2 of you have ended it tbh.
You have no idea if he thinks you have been acting suspicious and not many people will ask to go through their partners phone because they would probably feel too embarrassed to ask and not want to cause an argument.
This guy obviously needs a bit of help if he's a functioning alcoholic and living without alcohol is making him "fuck things up". Doesn't look like he will get the support he needs from you though.
It is extremely odd for someone to keep messages from an abusive ex from 3 years ago when they are also in a new relationship! Surely you would want that shot gone from your life, why are you holding on to it? Not buying that you don't delete anything because you cba, that is one thing you would make sure was gone.

Ah there's the drip feed.