I’m shaking with anger

[hooveringhamabeads]

Have been with bf for a year. I told him from the off that if I ever found out that he’d been looking through my phone or computer, that would be a deal breaker for me. This is because of a very abusive relationship I had in the past, where he hacked my computer and phone and monitored my every move for years. He knew all that.

Things have been really good lately. We had a heart to heart a couple of weeks ago about various things, one of them being I was worried about how much he drinks. He took that on board and has completely stopped drinking since then. Things have been great and we were feeling a lot closer.

This morning I went downstairs because there was someone at the door, he was still in bed. I was down there for a few minutes, then made him a cup of tea and came back up. I opened my phone and it was open on WhatsApp, on a message conversation between me and my ex boyfriend of a few years ago. There has been no contact with him for a long time so the messages were way down the list of conversations.

Straight away I said “you’ve been through my phone haven’t you?”. He denied it and said he wouldn’t even know how to get into my phone. I knew he was lying so we sat there in silence for a few minutes.

Then he asked for a cuddle and I said I didn’t really feel like a cuddle, as I knew he’d been through my phone. He then broke down and admitted it, and said he’d been feeling really insecure and just needed reassurance that I wasn’t cheating on him. I lost my shit and told him that I’d made it perfectly clear from the start that this was a dealbreaker for me, and not only had he done it but then tried to gaslight me about it.

I told him to leave, which after a bit of crying and pleading and apologising he did. I made him give my key back.

I’m just in shock at the moment, and so angry. I’m wondering if that was the first time, probably not. I don’t want to be with someone who I can’t trust, and I can’t trust him now can I?

Ok you're going over thr top now. I don't think it's ok to accuse people of also snooping

The only person going over the top is you. If you are happy to do this, you are unlikely to see it as snooping. I haven't accused anyone, simply said that many here would cross that line. But I also suspect that most won't have had it explained, at the beginning of the relationship that this is a clear line that shouldn't be crossed and the reasons for it.

Insecurity is not an excuse for ignoring what someone has told you is their line.

The op did tell him. Her Dp accepted it. Her Dp then decided her wishes or his agreement didn't mean anything. His insecurity means more.

As I said op will always be thinking that it wasn't the first time. Or the last. This is the situation she didn't want.

It's not really about the going through her phone. It's about not respecting her and her boundaries. About his feelings coming first and about him not being an adult and telling her he was insecure and/or discussing the situation with the phone, if it made him uncomfortable.

He just did exactly what she asked him not to.

Obviously some sort of projection going on with Notacluewhatthisis so best we leave that tangent there.

I don't really understand what you mean OP. What I wonder is what he would have done if he had found something he didn’t like

It wouldn't matter what he found would it. You aren't invested enough in the relationship to give a toss either way. You dumped him for just looking. That's fine. Your choice. Surely if he had said... 'ok why are you texting ..... ? I am unhappy with that. ' You would just of dumped him. Just as you have just done. The power in this relationship was all yours.

My partner is massively controling over his phone. Won't leave it anywhere. Would dump me if I ever went through it. He has his reasons as you do, op. Sometimes I do feel insecure but he's always been happy to talk to me about those insecurities. I don't think you being funny about privacy is enough of a reason for him to violate tour trust and check up on you, and I get why you're so angry. Is it over?

I don’t know. He has been begging forgiveness but I don’t know if I can forgive him. At the moment I’m so angry, I don’t feel upset or sad, just angry. I will re-evaluate when the rage passes.

Hoover write down all the reasons why you shouldn’t take him back and reasons you should. Sounds like he’s not the ideal partner anyway? History of cheating? Drinks a lot? Doesn’t trust you?

From past expereance someone who doesn’t trust you does so because they don’t trust themselves, with his history he sounds like he can’t be faithful with anyone, people don’t change, once a cheat always a cheat.

I couldnt get past this.

I've been with DH 20 years. I would never check his phone or email or even read his mail. As far as I know he wouldn't check mine either. I think your DP saying he was insecure was crap just so he could validate checking your phone. You are right to be angry OP. If he was feeling insecure he should have spoken to you about it. Also if you hadn't have caught him, he would do it again.

Obviously some sort of projection going on withNotacluewhatthisisso best we leave that tangent there.

And there's the sentence that people use when they want to shut people down. Yep let's leave there.

OP, tell him you want space. Until you feel better. Let's be honest, it's not the only reason you should be considering chucking him.

Only you can decide if you get can get past it. But if you do want to get back together, the phone issue needs to be discussed. If he can't live with only having access when he asks and you can't live knowing that he will go through your phone when he fancies you both need to be honest about it. It's difficult to compromise on this one. But you both need to be happy with it.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Just move on..

Given that he’s a cheating alcoholic it’s probably for the best that you don’t ‘forgive’ him. Instead raise your standards and expectations for the next guy.

Also work on your issues so that you can trust your partner and you can trust your own judgment in choice of partner that they will not try to control and abuse you via technology without requiring blanket bans to reassure you.

Why you have messages or why he looked at them is not of any relevance.
Theres no point having boundaries if you arent going to implement them and take action once theyre crossed.
You have took the lessons your past experiences of abuse have taught you and rightly done just that, so time to move on.
Im also concerned that just a year in you are having crisis talks about his drinking. Regular drinkers rarely just stop drinking completely after years of doing so. They pay you lip service by stopping completely (for a few weeks) but they rarely stick at it. Id be less concerned if he had started cutting down while looking at the reasons why he drinks so much.
Anyway its all relative now because you stuck to your guns and did the right thing when your privacy was disrespected.
My honest opinion is that you have recognised that this isnt working and therefore swerved a potentially stressful few more years before it inevitably breaks down anyway.

You’re probably all right. I’ve lost so much respect for him over this, because he didn’t respect me or my boundaries. And I know from previous relationships what I’m like once I have lost respect for someone, and it won’t work.

So you lost respect over accessing your phone but the history of alchoholism and infidelity was ok?

As I say you really need to work on your standards.

And the irony of all this is that I have literally NEVER cheated on anyone. He, however, has been unfaithful to all of his long term partners/wives, even if it wasn’t full sex

Imo the fact you're angry about him going through your phone is reasonable. The intense fury is less reasonable, but that's what happens when your boundaries have been broken into little bits, trampled on and the pieces thrown in the mud.

But phone-reading aside, the cheating thing is a relationship killer all on its own. You might have been lucky that you caught him going through your phone now because it sounds like you'd probably be in for a world of betrayal down the line.

What @Tatiana said

I don't know what you want here. You have your rules, they got broken. You finished it. End of.
What do you want? Are you unsure if your decision that you have come here to ask if we agree with you? Sounds like you are pretty set so it's a pointless thread.

A leapord never changes its spots! You have had a lucky escape OP! He has cheated on EVERY partner he has been in a relationship with? That means he has either cheated on you, or will cheat on you!

You have missed so many red flags that would have told you that getting into a relationship with an alcoholic cheat would lead to heartache and pain! He has already shown that he is willing to gaslight, there can be no trust now!

Have you completed the freedom program? If not, then I would definitely look into it! You deserve a loving, trustworthy and kind partner! This man is never going to be trustworthy! Cheaters are going to judge you by their own poor morals! This man is always going to suspect that you are cheating on him, because he is a cheat and a liar!

Leopard not leapord!

I do see it from your point of view, OP but I've come across many guys who have said from the start how one of their previous gfs would always suspect them and look through their phone etc. and how controlling it was etc. and how unfair it was as they weren't cheating. Fast forward nearly a year, it's so obvious that he is the type to cheat and uses some sort of reverse psychology type thing to prevent gfs from going through their phone and finding out. Maybe he was viewing it from that perspective? I'm sure you're innocent but from the experiences I've seen/heard, far more people who have cheated get more defensive and private about their phone, pc etc. than those who haven't cheated. I know you're the exception but he wouldn't have known that :)

OP - just read one of your later messages on this thread. It's always soo typical for those like him, who cheat on everyone, to have an inflated ego and get super sensitive/angry if their partner so much as looks at another man - sounds like such a hypocrite and you're probs well rid of him.

I don't think this is such a big deal? Think you've overreacted completely because of your pasts relationship

If we as women get suspicious , or spidery senses tingling, practically EVERYONE off here would encourage them to go check their partners phone as "you trust your gut instinct" maybe he just had the same thing going on? It's not been a regular occurrence has it?

Don't see why it should be any different for a man

Also, if you started feeling suspicious about him would you not check his phone?