I’m shaking with anger

[hooveringhamabeads]

Have been with bf for a year. I told him from the off that if I ever found out that he’d been looking through my phone or computer, that would be a deal breaker for me. This is because of a very abusive relationship I had in the past, where he hacked my computer and phone and monitored my every move for years. He knew all that.

Things have been really good lately. We had a heart to heart a couple of weeks ago about various things, one of them being I was worried about how much he drinks. He took that on board and has completely stopped drinking since then. Things have been great and we were feeling a lot closer.

This morning I went downstairs because there was someone at the door, he was still in bed. I was down there for a few minutes, then made him a cup of tea and came back up. I opened my phone and it was open on WhatsApp, on a message conversation between me and my ex boyfriend of a few years ago. There has been no contact with him for a long time so the messages were way down the list of conversations.

Straight away I said “you’ve been through my phone haven’t you?”. He denied it and said he wouldn’t even know how to get into my phone. I knew he was lying so we sat there in silence for a few minutes.

Then he asked for a cuddle and I said I didn’t really feel like a cuddle, as I knew he’d been through my phone. He then broke down and admitted it, and said he’d been feeling really insecure and just needed reassurance that I wasn’t cheating on him. I lost my shit and told him that I’d made it perfectly clear from the start that this was a dealbreaker for me, and not only had he done it but then tried to gaslight me about it.

I told him to leave, which after a bit of crying and pleading and apologising he did. I made him give my key back.

I’m just in shock at the moment, and so angry. I’m wondering if that was the first time, probably not. I don’t want to be with someone who I can’t trust, and I can’t trust him now can I?

Some bizarre people on this thread.
I don’t understand people who think they should have the right to read their partner’s phone, emails etc. It’s incredibly invasive. Maybe I’m just old fashioned but it was never the norm in healthy relationships to be that controlling.

OP, you’ve done nothing wrong, you made the right decision - you had clear boundaries, he deliberately breached them - and observing your PIN number and then using it is far more deliberate and invasive than just casually picking up the phone if it was unlocked - and you’ve reiterated your boundaries and given him a well deserved heave-ho. Well done you.

It really shouldn’t be so hard to find a man who is capable of respecting women’s bounderies and treating them with respect. Sadly it IS hard but that is their fault, not yours, and doesn’t mean you should have to settle for less.
It makes me sad that so many women have such low standards.

Having clear boundaries doesnt mean you announce them repeatedly though.

OP you say you've done nothing but a total ban on your phone would raise suspicions with anyone.

He was insecure & made a mistake and now you're saying his brain is "recalibrating" to the real world. Sounds like you're the one doing the gaslighting

ShamelesslyPlacemarking

I can only imagine it's because it's a boundary they couldn't accept or think it's ok to break.

But the fact is that if he could accept it, he could have walked away at the start.

People comparing it to established relationships where their spouse just changes and starts this work at make sense.

The op is entitled to any boundary she wants. She entitled to feel how she wants to feel about it. People are making her feel it's not valid, are saying more about themseleves.

Now I see this from a different angle. So he looked at OPs phone. But he wasn't looking to see if she were cheating on him (as you would think he would be if he was 'insecure') but he was looking at OLD messages from her ex. He knows what the ex did/said because OP wrote a book about that relationship, and he has read the book.
It seems rather that he doesn't believe what OP said happened and was said (perhaps in the book?) and he wanted to see the proof for himself.
OP, he thinks you are a liar. Bin him.

OP you say you've done nothing but a total ban on your phone would raise suspicions with anyone.

Why? If OP kept a private diary, would that raise suspicions? If she wanted private conversations with friends, would he be ok to listen in?

The blatant double standards on MN never cease to amaze me.

Time and again women are told that if their husband/partner is very protective of his phone, that is a ‘red flag’. Time and again when a woman is asked by her partner to lose weight/ stop drinking / stop doing XYZ that he is ‘controlling’. Time and again women who have suspicions about his behaviour are told to check his phone for evidence.

Yet when a woman does these things to her partner it’s a completely different story...

The blatant double standards on MN never cease to amaze me

Did you even read the OP?

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.

I haven't ever said not to check my phone but I'd be very WTF at him checking it.

If he had no reason beyond "well I stopped drinking and it's made me insecure" that wouldn't be good enough. We've been together 4 years so I think we might get past it but I wouldn't have much tolerance after 12 months.

I wouldn't have any tolerance for a drinking problem 12 months in full stop!

If the scenario was "you did/said X/Y/Z" and I could see how theyve misinterpreted it and become worried then I would work with that. I would sort of understand and just wish they would have asked. That is the actual situation normally when women post on MN and are told to look. It's usually pretty obvious something is going on and it's just a question of having "proof" for piece of mind for the woman

Someone mentioned you had been messaging an ex and it was suspicious. But I read it as these are messages from years ago! The fact he scrolled all the way down shows after he found nothing he was just being fucking nosey.

And like other people have pointed out, I would want to know if my messages to friends were being seen by their partners! I had never thought if that before actually and will be more careful messaging others in future because this is probably quite common I think

Anyway, I think you're perfectly entitled to be angry. There's nothing abusive about asking someone not to go through your personal correspondence with friends and family. It's still early days in the relationship and it sounds like a few things are coming to head now.

Why? If OP kept a private diary, would that raise suspicions? If she wanted private conversations with friends, would he be ok to listen in?

Well, it's a bit difficult to have an emotional affair with your diary... What a ludicrous comment they are totally different things.

Telling your "functional alcoholic" that his drinking is jeopardising your relationship is not the same as controlling abusive behaviour. Why are so many people comparing such wildly different circumstances as if they are the same?

I am absolutely gobsmacked at the number of posters who can't get their heads around the fact that OP has put in place a very reasonable boundary (particularly in light of her previous relationship), and are actually accusing her of gaslighting/being abusive.

I can only assume that, thankfully, none of you have experienced an abusive relationship and therefore cannot understand the I'm going trauma that can result.

Having said that, OP, if you think that, this aside, he is genuinely a good bloke and this was connected to his cutting back on the drinking, perhaps cutting him some slack could be an option? Alcoholism, even the functioning kind, is an illness so it's understandable that it could genuinely have a impact on his mental state.

You'd be well within your rights to insist that it doesn't happen again going forward though, and he needs to get some help with his own issues.

If u love him then work it out ,life is too short to fight or lose someone over something like that,i know its a big deal to u but there is worse things he could have done x

OP wasn't being secretive with her pass code and hiding her phone away. She was leaving it lying around because she trusted her P to respect her boundaries.

This is completely different to someone taking it with them everywhere, not letting out of their sight and being very secretive.

He didn’t try to gaslight you- he panicked and denied it, then came clean.

It’s completely your decision whether you can let this go, but he isn’t your ex.

Well, it's a bit difficult to have an emotional affair with your diary... What a ludicrous comment they are totally different things.

No he is reading old conversations. It not about just having an emotional affair. It's about invading privacy.

God do we really live a world where we have to constantly prove we are aren't cheating? Privacy doesn't matter anymore?

And you do think it's ok for him to listen in to her conversations with her friends? Just in Case she is having an affair with them. It's ok to invade the friends privacy?

I am out of a controlling and abusive relationship. The man I'm seeing knows that I am extremely protective of my independence and will probably overreact at the first sign of any controlling behaviour.

The thing is, pre this relationship, I probably behaved a bit jealous and controlling (Only a tiny bit) because I hadn't been the victim of it. It's really hard unless you've been through it to know how much it affects you.

Having said that, I'm open with my phone etc and don't see what it has to be on lock down. I let my kids use it and would let my boyfriend use it no problem. What is he like with his phone?

"There are worse things he could have done"

Bit of a low bar. There are always worse things someone can do. OP had explicitly set her boundary for what wasn't acceptable and he chose to ignore it. If he wasn't happy with the boundary he should have left or discussed it.

If we dont heal our wounds, we will bleed all over those who did not cut us.

I'm so sorry you have had to go through what you have, but unfortunately I would bet you have made him feel insecure with your phone rules. The rule is understandable, but not normal. If I were you I would be working on myself, to gift myself the normality that was taken from me before entering another relationship.

NarcolepticOuchMouse in which case he could walk away. Rather than crossing the line the OP has decided on.

But he doesn't respect her boundaries. He wanted to break them and so did.

Is it just me that finds all this " everyone is so odd, so weird, so bizzare" commentary when posters don't agree with them wearying.

Someone has a different opinion. So how do you address it, call them odd or bizzare, because your opinion is right,

Yeah, that makes sense. Arrogant much?

i doubt this was the first time he's done it.

Is the rule not normal? I haven't explicitly said it before but I would take it for a granted that you don't look at each other's phones without asking. I know some people pretty much share their phone and in that case it's obviously an unwritten rule that you can look at the others messages (?) but I would always ask to borrow DPs phone before using it.

The unusual thing is that OP has explicitly said this to her boyfriend. The actual "rule" is probably pretty common?

So far the OP has been accused of being an abuser, of gaslighting,not being ready for a relationship, all because someone invaded her privacy.

And so what if people advise women to check their partners’ phones. Doesn’t make it right.

And for those who believe that it’s perfectly ok to go through a partner’s phone to settle your insecurities, how far do you think it’s ok to go? Let’s say you go through his phone and find nothing, would it then be ok to install a tracker in his car? Hidden camera? Recording device? Keyloggers on his laptop? Hire a private investigator? At what point do you accept that you are the one in the wrong and settle back down to wedded bliss in the hopes that he never finds out how far you went to prove he was the lying cheating scumbag he turned out not to be?

And if you find out someone has been through your phone in secret should you just accept that they have insecurities and had the right to deal with those regardless of the victim they created? And the lack of trust in the relationship? Should you be obliged to take someone back who has checked up on you when you hadn’t done anything wrong? Should you accept that as part of a relationship you have no right to privacy and that actually, what your partner says goes and boundaries are something you give up at the time you change your name? L

Looking at your phone is not the same as controlling or monitoring you. You can't punish any new partner for your past relationship.

It's odd that you kept messages in your phone from such a bad relationship too.

He shouldn't be snooping through your phone but your reaction was ott.