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Original poster

I’m shaking with anger

196 replies

hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 10:30

Have been with bf for a year. I told him from the off that if I ever found out that he’d been looking through my phone or computer, that would be a deal breaker for me. This is because of a very abusive relationship I had in the past, where he hacked my computer and phone and monitored my every move for years. He knew all that.

Things have been really good lately. We had a heart to heart a couple of weeks ago about various things, one of them being I was worried about how much he drinks. He took that on board and has completely stopped drinking since then. Things have been great and we were feeling a lot closer.

This morning I went downstairs because there was someone at the door, he was still in bed. I was down there for a few minutes, then made him a cup of tea and came back up. I opened my phone and it was open on WhatsApp, on a message conversation between me and my ex boyfriend of a few years ago. There has been no contact with him for a long time so the messages were way down the list of conversations.

Straight away I said “you’ve been through my phone haven’t you?”. He denied it and said he wouldn’t even know how to get into my phone. I knew he was lying so we sat there in silence for a few minutes.

Then he asked for a cuddle and I said I didn’t really feel like a cuddle, as I knew he’d been through my phone. He then broke down and admitted it, and said he’d been feeling really insecure and just needed reassurance that I wasn’t cheating on him. I lost my shit and told him that I’d made it perfectly clear from the start that this was a dealbreaker for me, and not only had he done it but then tried to gaslight me about it.

I told him to leave, which after a bit of crying and pleading and apologising he did. I made him give my key back.

I’m just in shock at the moment, and so angry. I’m wondering if that was the first time, probably not. I don’t want to be with someone who I can’t trust, and I can’t trust him now can I?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 27/10/2018 15:12

OP, it feels to me like him checking your phone was a final straw to what was already a bad relationship. He has cheated on all of his ex’s, he has a drink problem and this was a good enough reason to finally end it?

Thatstheendofmytether · 27/10/2018 15:12

Also he may not have been specifically looking for messages from this ex then, perhaps that's just where he got to and had to put the phone down because he heard you coming.
Why are you with an alcoholic who is a cheat? In what world did you think this relationship was going to work out well?

FlorencesHunger · 27/10/2018 15:23

Hi op I can perfectly understand how you feel about phone checking and stuff. I had an dp who did all the things you mentioned.
Keylogged my social media messaging accounts, checked my phone and demanded it at any given time, my emails.
If I wasn't at work I was at home and if I deviated from that routine like by going for a wander around shops i would get a phone call screaming at me to get home, followed by all of the above. It was a horrible way to live and amongst other things it took me years to recover.

I've never laid down that rule since, that a dp can't look at my phone, I take it as a given that they will respect my privacy and not go snooping to fit their own agenda.
I wouldn't tolerate any accusations or that situation again. If any man ask to look at my phone to see if I was up to no good I would hand them it to look at then tell them that the relationship is over.

The trust isn't there if they are looking for fault and have nothing to back up there insecurities, it's not my job to appease them. Never.

Ratarse · 27/10/2018 15:23

For what it's worth op, i completely understand why you ended it and think you did the right thing. Despite knowing everything, he still did it.

I also agree with everything BruegelTheElder has posted.

Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 15:54

Again, it wasn’t the abusive ex whose messages he was reading. I don’t have any messages from him as that was many years/phone numbers ago.

I was only downstairs 10 minutes tops, so he wouldn’t have much time to go through that much. I don’t know what else he did look at in those 10 minutes though.

I think my issues with people going through my stuff go right back to childhood. When I was 14 I found some letters in the sleeve of a jumper that I’d got out of my dad’s drawer. Parents were away on holiday and I was performing in a play, and needed an old grey jumper. I found just the one I was thinking of and there was something crunchy in the sleeve. It turned out to be a roll of letters in the sleeve from someone my mum had been having an affair with (a few years earlier) I didn’t say anything at the time but it all came out a few months later when she was having a go at me about something. After that, she used to rifle through my room all the time when I was at school, read my letters and my diaries, and then take the piss out of me about it. No matter where I hid things she’d find them. I had no private life at all.

And then obviously the ex, being watched/stalked for years online, possibly still am.

I’ve had enough of it. I don’t have anything to hide but I am very defensive about my life to have private conversations and communications with people. Everyone should be able to do that, it doesn’t mean they are up to no good.

OP posts:
Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 15:55

*my right not my life

OP posts:
Musti · 27/10/2018 16:15

He is a serial cheat so is judging you by his own standards.

NoCureForLove · 27/10/2018 16:19

Reading some of the comments on here makes me despair. It's like listening to women talk about supporting Trump.

Fontofnoknowledge · 27/10/2018 16:29

NoCureForLove - what a pathetically idiotic thing to say . So everyone who disagrees with your point of view is now a misogynistic Trump supporter.

I can tell you that I would shed a single tear if someone took it upon themselves to get the wanker impeached - as he deserves. Doesn't mean for a moment that I think the OPs reasoning here was right.

I think RockinHippy had it spot on at the start. The Op is letting her past dictate her future.

Ultimately she doesn't need to have a relationship with anyone she doesn't want to have a relationship with - for any reason she likes. Be that rational or not.

She is looking for validation in her decision. Some people have offered her that, some haven't.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 16:37

what a pathetically idiotic thing to say . So everyone who disagrees with your point of view is now a misogynistic Trump supporter

There is a few posters do this. If someone has a different opinion to them then they become deeply offensive and insinuate there is something wrong with thr posters, weird, bizzare, thick, mysognistic, trump supporters.

They lack the intelligence to rebut the argument so just become offensive. What I find strange about it is they often write it like they feel they are superior, and don't seem to understand they are simply displaying a lack of intellect.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 16:40

She is looking for validation in her decision

And agree again she is looking for validation for her behaviour,,,drip feeding in her child hood, her past relationships, and then using it as a means to justify her behaviour and decisions.

Op you don't need to do that. You set the boundaries, you decide who to be in a relationship with or not. But you are letting your unhappy past decide your future. I guess in doing so it's not making you happy in the present either.

So you don't need to justify, and you don't need validation, but I'd think if it was making you happy.

Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 16:49

Bluntness100 Yes once that she knows of. You really think she caught him out on the only occassion. Or that he wouldn't have done it again. The point is that the OP refuses to live wondering about that, if he is doing it.

Snooping is controlling as I have explained before.

Kennycalmit · 27/10/2018 17:53

I haven’t read all the replies but I find this quite interesting

When women come on here, the most tiniest concern towards their husbands/partners behaviour results in 99% of posters suggesting she looked through his phone.

I’m in two minds. I don’t agree with checking phones however if my partner told me never to go through his phone I’d find that quite weird aswell...

Fontofnoknowledge · 27/10/2018 18:04

Notacluewhatthiis - Snooping is controlling as I have explained before.

Sorry I missed the memo where you became the arbiter of what is or isn't 'controlling' behaviour and would to have to strongly disagree.

You have only got to spend 5 minutes on MN where women are positively encouraged to snoop. In fact given step by step instructions and a complete line in 'justification' for doing so, - to realise that most woman who do this are completely out of control . It is the snooping and finding out exactly what he is up to , that they are desperately looking for in order to get some control back in their lives.

NoCureForLove · 27/10/2018 18:07

Well that's me put in my place. Thank you Font and Bluntness. The obvious rightness and measured argument in your responses is most impressive.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 18:08

Snooping is controlling as I have explained before

I think maybe as much as we all accept you feel it's controlling, you will need to accept others don't feel it is if it's a one off. And yes it may have been his first time he's done it. I don't see how logically it can be controlling if the person who snoops does nothing with thr information.

Controlling means to determine someone's behaviour. I don't see how looking at her phone when she doesn't know means he is deciding how se behaves.

It's an illogical mental link.

NoCureForLove · 27/10/2018 18:08

I think you meant "There ARE" not "There IS"?

NoCureForLove · 27/10/2018 18:11

Are you as dense as you sound Bluntness? I do hope not.You really think doing something wrong is OK if you dont get caught?? My days.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 18:22

Eh, no, I think you need to read it again, you've clearly had the red mist descend and resorting to personal attacks as you don't like being disagreed with,

I can't even be arsed reporting you. Sigh. The mods have enough to do.

Minionmomma · 27/10/2018 18:27

This would not be a deal breaker for me. Your issues from the past are affecting the here and now and he actually sounds like a good guy. You over reacted from the very beginning by instructing him to never check your phone. Isn’t that a given anyway? I think the issue lies with you, not him.

Thatstheendofmytether · 27/10/2018 18:50

Actually I agree with bluntness. You can't class something someone does as controlling if the other person never knows, and/or they don't use what they have done or found to blackmail or shame the person into doing what they want them to. The OP was certainly not being controlled by her dp going through her phone. Should he have done it?...No, but he has admitted it was stupid and his own insecurities that made him. Although after the drip feed I can't understand why the OP would knowingly be with someone who has previously cheated several times Hmm

dirtybadger · 27/10/2018 18:53

As per previous posts I think OP is NBU. However I would agree what he did isn't controlling. There's no whiff that his intentions were to control her. Different to monitoring someone's movements or conversations over a prolonged period of time in such a way that they have to adjust who and how they speak or where they go, etc.

Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 27/10/2018 18:57

What I wonder is what he would have done if he had found something he didn’t like. Obviously there wasn’t anything. But if there was, what could/would he have done with that information?

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 27/10/2018 18:58

Sorry I missed the memo where you became the arbiter of what is or isn't 'controlling' behaviour and would to have to strongly disagree.

What are you talking about? You may say it's a one off. If a poster came and said her husband had shagged a co-worker......But just the once, everyone would tell her that's bullshit and it's unlikely he got caught the first time. Chances are that this isn't the first time. AND now because he has done it, op is likely to be wondering if he is looking and just not admitting it. Or got better at doing it. Besides, which the OP feels it's controlling too.

I think a lot of people think op is over reacting because they are happy to cross this line. Again, if he is insecure....that's not the issue. The issue is that he decided her boundaries wasn't worth respecting anymore. That his insecurities were more important than her trust and boundaries.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 19:02

I think a lot of people think op is over reacting because they are happy to cross this line

Ok you're going over thr top now. I don't think it's ok to accuse people of also snooping. And there is always a first time. You don't know this man or if he has done it before. Even shagging a co worker there is always a first time,

No one is saying he is right to have done it, everyone agrees it was wrong, what's been said is some found it understandable given he felt insecure and she made it such a big no no. However as it appears he's a cheat, it's really irrelevant.

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