I’m shaking with anger

[hooveringhamabeads]

Have been with bf for a year. I told him from the off that if I ever found out that he’d been looking through my phone or computer, that would be a deal breaker for me. This is because of a very abusive relationship I had in the past, where he hacked my computer and phone and monitored my every move for years. He knew all that.

Things have been really good lately. We had a heart to heart a couple of weeks ago about various things, one of them being I was worried about how much he drinks. He took that on board and has completely stopped drinking since then. Things have been great and we were feeling a lot closer.

This morning I went downstairs because there was someone at the door, he was still in bed. I was down there for a few minutes, then made him a cup of tea and came back up. I opened my phone and it was open on WhatsApp, on a message conversation between me and my ex boyfriend of a few years ago. There has been no contact with him for a long time so the messages were way down the list of conversations.

Straight away I said “you’ve been through my phone haven’t you?”. He denied it and said he wouldn’t even know how to get into my phone. I knew he was lying so we sat there in silence for a few minutes.

Then he asked for a cuddle and I said I didn’t really feel like a cuddle, as I knew he’d been through my phone. He then broke down and admitted it, and said he’d been feeling really insecure and just needed reassurance that I wasn’t cheating on him. I lost my shit and told him that I’d made it perfectly clear from the start that this was a dealbreaker for me, and not only had he done it but then tried to gaslight me about it.

I told him to leave, which after a bit of crying and pleading and apologising he did. I made him give my key back.

I’m just in shock at the moment, and so angry. I’m wondering if that was the first time, probably not. I don’t want to be with someone who I can’t trust, and I can’t trust him now can I?

"So no, checking someone’s phone in secret is never ok, not even if you suspect something."

How many times are women whose DH is being secretive about his phone told to get hold of it somehow and check it? Thousands! The clichés 'red flag', 'he's hiding something', 'if he hadn't got anything to hide he'd be open about it', 'come on, you know he's having an affair, it couldn't be more obvious' etc etc.
She would also be told 'he's controlling' because he's criticised your drinking and 'there's no future in this relationship'.

Anyone who's been on MN for any time knows that's exactly what would happen if it was a man behaving as the OP is, and his DW posting. It's hypocritical to deny it.

You shouldn’t let your past effect your new relationship, I know it’s hard but this guy is not your ex.

If I was in a longtearm relationship and had nothing to hide I would not care if my partner looked through my phone as long as he asked first. I can see why you are upset because he did it behind your back but I think telling someone never to look on your phone is almost admitting that you have something to hide, this probably made him feel insecure which is why he looked. I wouldn’t look at someone else’s phone unlesss I suspected they were up to something.

Who keeps messages from their ex anyway? I delete my messages quite often and a ex would deffently not have his messages still on my phone, I would have removed his phone number because why would I need it anymore unless I had children with him?

Apologies, in my previous post I was using the wrong terms, DH and DW, when I should have referred to boyfriend and girlfriend.

@RockInHippy

In the kindest possible way OP, your attitude over your phone, regardless of your history, would make a saint feel insecure at times. You've effectively put your phone out of bounds to him & got stroppy when he broke your rather out rules. The poor guy is paying fir your abusive ex & that really isn't fair.

You need to get to grips with your past & stop letting it affect your present & those in your life,otherwise your abuser has won. I'd suggest counselling & some serious thought as to whether you are actually ready for a healthy relationship with all of that baggage still holding you down.

I personally wouldn't trust a partner who made such an issue of keeping their phone secret. It's all very selfish & smacks of only you being important in this relationship. Maybe for his sake you are best off letting him go & sorting out that baggage properly, instead of expecting your partner to carry your baggage too.

THIS. ^

@hooveringhamabeads

Sorry OP, but YABVU. And I agree with a few posters that if this were a man hiding everything from his new girlfriend, and getting messages from his ex, and refusing to let her see any messages or anything, he would be lambasted on here. As a few posters have said, it's baffling that you still have any contact details or messages from your ex.

If you cannot trust this man, to the point where you need to hide everything from him, then frankly, you should not be with him - or indeed even in a relationship. You are soooo not ready.

Yeah, he should not be rifling through your phone, but you hiding it and going batshit when he goes through it does NOT bode well for this relationship. As some posters said, women are often told to look through their man's phone if she suspicious about something, yet for some reason, this man is a controlling and dodgy when HE does it!

Have you spoke to anyone about your insecurities and paranoia?

And re, your post at 10.40am, why did you self-publish a book about your relationship with your ex?

This thread is so weird. The OP clearly stated her reasons (and clearly stated them to him too!). It's not the same as a man just saying "don't ever look at my phone" for no apparent reason.

And besides that, if the DP thought she was being unfair or it was all suspicious, the answer would be to speak to her about it, which would be easy given how open she was about the whole matter. But instead, he chose to go behind her back and do the exact thing she said would be a relationship deal-breaker for her!

^So no, checking someone’s phone in secret is never ok, not even if you suspect something.

So you’d condemn all people who suspect their partner is cheating to ignorance and stress?

So, you've just thrown a great relationship away, over absolutely Fuck All?

This is your problem, not his.

Between a committed loving couple, phones shouldn't be hidden and treated secretly. It screams that you have something to hide. And that will naturally, make someone insecure.

My DH has free access to my phone, as does anyone really. The (adult) kids could also borrow it, if their battery was flat. What's the big deal unless you have stuff in there, that you don't want others to see? Similarly, if my phone wasn't handy, I could use his.

You've made him feel like you're hiding something.

If I was him, I'd probably go to the pub, now that he doesn't have any rules to abide by.

Wish I'd done this with my ex. It escalated afterwards into full on gas lighting abuse etc. And this was the early warning sign (reading messages without consent).
Literally wish I'd dumped him that day instead of going through years of hell and disrespect.
You did the right thing
He could not respect your boundaries he needed to leave.
Well done for being so strong. You will have mixed feelings now I'm sure and it's OK to mourn the relationship.



Nice bit of victim blaming going on on this thread. .

Absolutely, if it was a woman posting about her suspicions she would be told to get hold of his phone etc etc, I wouldn’t agree with that either.

The OP has told her BF where her issues have come from. Quite aside from that, if he’s insecure then he needs to talk to her about it not go behind her back and spy through her phone while she’s out of the room. And equally if a woman is suspicious of her husband she ought to talk to him about it, if he doesn’t give her a satisfactory answer then she still has the ability to make decisions as to where the relationship is going no?

How can she have made him think she was hiding something when she clearly explained her reasons to him??

God, it must be hard communicating with you lot.

So you’d condemn all people who suspect their partner is cheating to ignorance and stress? oh don’t be so dramatic. If someone suspects their partner of having an affair they can ask them outright or leave the relationship. If they go through their phone and find no evidence they’re not going to be satisfied that there isn’t an affair are they so going through their phone achieves precisely nothing.

At the point you decide your partner is having an affair and want to go through his phone the relationship is over anyway so best to end it at that point. Spying on someone is something you can’t come back from because the reasons for the suspicion will still exist even if you don’t find anything.

And as an aside,regardless of whether the OP in this situation kept her previous conversations, these are historic conversations. There was literally no reason for him to have gone through them as they happened before she got together with the BF.

Nobody ever has the right to violate your personal boundaries.
Based on what you had told them this is a violation of privacy.
I would dump any man over this. I would never snoop on his phone. So don't snoop on mine. I wouldn't want your bank log in or your fucking email password or your pin code for your phone, I wouldn't want to know that is your private life. And yes, we deserve one within a relationship. My ex would read my Diary messages etc. To the point I stopped sending any or writing one. That's just abuse. As is denying it.
Fuck your insecurities and get out my house and my life.
Bang on it OP. Catch it early, get the abusers away. Don't put up with it. You've been there before you don't need this shit.

She did explain him but he has no way of know for sure if that’s her only reason.

Do you just intrinsically believe everything people say to you?

Absolutely You think someone's cheating you ask them if you are not happy with the response leave anyway as the trust is gone.

We don't need to spend our lives pandering to other people's insecurities adult the fuck up or get out...

Do you just intrinsically believe everything people say to you?

When I'm in a committed relationship with a person, I mostly do, yes. And if I didn't, I'd tell them that and have a conversation about it, rather than doing the exact thing they asked me not to do.

If someone says "don't ever do this thing or I will immediately break up with you", and instead of discussing your issues with that and trying to find a compromise, you just go ahead and do it, you can hardly complain when they break up with you, can you??

@Bruegeltheelder

this thread is so weird!

Translation: 'there are people on here who don't agree with me!'

@Diamondsbestfriend

Nice bit of victim blaming going on on this thread.

Do get a grip dear. Disagreeing with the OP, and saying she is being unreasonable with her behaviour is not 'victim blaming!'

Save your faux outrage for people who actually deserve it.

As some posters have said, women are told to check their partner's phone at the drop of a hat, if they are concerned or suspicious about something, but God forbid a MAN does the same to a woman. Oh NO, he is controlling and manipulative and she should LTB!

Typical double standards I see regularly on mumsnet.

Everyone is entitled to set whatever boundaries they wish in any relationship, no matter how other people may feel about them.

I could say to a potential partner "I just have one rule, don't ever wear white socks with black shoes or we're over." The potential partner always has the right to say "sorry no can do, I'm out."

If someone agrees to respect a boundary and then violates that boundary, they know what will happen.

@bumblebee39

I would dump this man over this!

Yeah I think the OP SHOULD dump him. She is clearly not ready for a relationship, and she will be doing this man a favour. If she dumps him, he will have dodged a bullet tbh.

oh don’t be so dramatic. If someone suspects their partner of having an affair they can ask them outright or leave the relationship

Don’t be so fucking naive. Do you have any grasp of the stress of thinking a partner is cheating but not knowing for sure? Never been in the situation myself but I’ve seen other people go through it. And there are plenty of examples on here.

Asking someone if they’re cheating is the most stupid thing you can do as a cheater will then cover the tracks.

It’s very hard to make a decision to end a relationship point blank without having at least some idea as to whether suspicions are justified. What if you broke up a family and turned out to be wrong?

Sometimes, often, going through a phone is all that is needed to confirm an affair. But even if it doesn’t prove it definitively, there may be some clues to followed up.

I’m sorry for your crappy past relationship.

If my partner was acting so protective over their phone/email I would start to feel insecure. You’ve also tried to change him (with his drinking)
I bet he’s thinking you don’t think he’s good enough. He has to change himself for you.

Did you have talk to a councilor after your stalking relationship? Maybe it’s time to revisit

I think it's a shame to throw what seems a good relationship away over a slip on his part because of insecurity - I understand you say due to a past relationship, but this isn't the past and isn't the other person and you obviously care about each other - just seems a huge waste. Why haven't you got fingerprint scanner or complicated password on your phone? I know you probably thought you didn't need it, but this would have prevented this whole scenario

When I'm in a committed relationship with a person, I mostly do, yes

Well, it’s no surprise so many women end up being cheated on.

OP’s only been with him for a year, they’re still getting to know each other.

The OP's boyfriend is entitled to his feelings too. We don't know whether he has been cheated on in the past and has reasons for insecurity apart from as a reaction to the OP's demands that he never look at her phone. She told him to stop drinking and he did. He's not controlling or abusive. However I do agree with the posters saying he's well out of this relationship.

"Not ready for a relationship"

You mean not ready to lower her standards?

If you are a big strong woman you need a big strong man. Not a wimpy boy child who checks your phone because you call him out on his drinking problem.

Too many red flags.

You dodged a bullet OP. If someone else wants your sloppy seconds and are willing to be treated worse than you will good luck to em

Keep your standards, know your truth, and don't ever apologise for it.

He knew you wouldn't stand for it, so why push the boundaries? He disrespected and violated you. Anyone who can't see that is just the kind of "yes woman" he'll get with next time.

Translation: 'there are people on here who don't agree with me!'

Nope. It's weird because people (including you) seem to be suggesting that a woman who tells her partner up front that she has had serious traumatic experience of abuse and therefore would like to set a boundary in their relationship is equal cause for suspicion as a man hiding things from his wife with no explanation.

If OP's DP felt that her deal-breaker was suspicious, he could easily have said "I'm not happy with that, I feel insecure and worried, can we discuss a compromise?" rather than going behind her back to do the one thing she asked him not to do.