Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

[Kitten76]

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Do whatever is right for you.
His children are not your responsibility.

Tell him he needs to sort out a live in day keeper?

Urgh. He sounds like a selfish arse. You're basically an unpaid babysitter and dog sitter. He does what he wants and sod you. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

I'd make sure the dogs were OK then walk. Hell no, I'd RUN.

Wow that’s really shit of him!

No wonder you feel used, the only reason he could take his ‘dream’ job is because you are facilitating it.

Wow.

You have to congratulate this guy on his recruitment skills. He got a live in housekeeper, dog minder and stand in parent all in one go.

You contribute to the bills at this gaff workplace ?

Why are you keeping an 18yo in line?

Actually, I keep my 18yo "in line". He is not ready to be unleashed on the world with zero supervision just yet. Which is precisely the point.

Move out.

It would be a big fat "fuck off" from me. Dogs in kennels and you pack and go. Leave the boys they can manage. Explain to them your perspective if you like.

Or send monthly invoices to your D?P for all your services.

Is the 18 year old an adult or still doing A a levels or highers? If he's an adult can you suggest to DP that he be left in charge of the dogs and his brother?
I know technically all 18 year olds are adults but if you're still at 6th form in many ways you're still a child!

You feel used because you are being used.

He gets to swan off with his dream job and leaving you behind as housekeeper, dog-sitter, and carer.

What exactly is he doing for you?

I would leave. Better the expensive and upheaval now than years of being used like this and then leaving.

Yep, he is living his dream life and you get to handle the dross. win/win for him.

Is there a big age difference?

The reason he feels he can say No to changing is that he knows you are dependant. He is banking on the fact you will just put up with this. Your needs are important and you deserve to be treated as an equal.

Where is the boys mum?

Ugh

So: you are living in his property, unmarried, with no claim to it in the event of a split yet presumably contributing to bills/mortgage/maintaining property’s condition, and you are also facilitating his increased earning power. What you get out of this living arrangement is slightly cheaper housing costs but massively increased unpaid domestic workload.

He really saw you coming didn’t he? Time for a serious talk. No doubt he will be all ‘how dare you sully the purity of our love by talking money/security’ but you are having the poss taken out of you big style and it had to stop

Piss even

Sounds like he moved you in for precisely this reason tbh.

And has

Sorry typing in a post laparoscopy codeine haze here

Many years ago my dm was in a similar boat. It was her flat, she put his dc in a taxi to their dgm house as the dm wouldn't answer her phone.
Job done.

Well he either starts paying you for your job as housekeeper, nanny and dogsitter or you move out.

Sounds like he recruited you for a childminder and housekeeper role rather than a partner. Move out.

Time for your dream job to come up which involves you living in your own place.
I would suspect it was planned from the start.

Leave, he has no right to refuse to give up his job and expect you to look after his responsibilities. if you don't want to break up tell him you're moving out so he will have to arrange care for his dogs and kids but you will be happy to meet up if he wants to take you for dinner........

You should absolutely move out. Could he do this 'dream' job without you? You know he's moved you in to facilitate this.

At the very least he should be using all that cash to pay for day care for his dogs.

Cheeky fuckery of the highest order.

He’s probably hoping you’ll hang in there long just long enough to look after his kids until they move out. Chances are he’ll then bugger off.

Where is their mum?

You feel used, because you are being used.

Do whatever is best for you. If you want to stay with him then tell him he needs to arrange and pay for a dog walker, a cleaner and someone to help with the housework, running of the house so it takes the added pressure of his kids off you.

Oh and he’s taken his dream job because he now can. You’ve just enabled him to do it, if he was single he wouldn’t be able to

Respect yourself.
An expensive rent is a worthwhile investment in yourself.