Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 39 40

Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

diddl · 26/10/2018 13:11

So you look after his kids & dogs, buy their food & pay for the privilege of doing it!

"He says he has no choice but to do the job, "

What a load of shit-who's forcing him into it?

RomanyRoots · 26/10/2018 13:12

I can't believe this, he's really done one on you.
Sod his kids and Dogs, text him you are going now, and won't be back.
Tell the kids you ain't their mother and the dogs will need caring for before their dad returns.

Applebloom · 26/10/2018 13:14

Op time for you to start living your dream I'm doubtful the current set up is it?
Tell your 'partner ' you've no choice.
He doesn't get to opt out of parenting and leave all his responsibilities behind with you who is in no way related to or in anyway next of kin or legal guardian of even the 15 yr old.

Murinae · 26/10/2018 13:15

Are you buying all the food for his kids? What about their pocket money? I would definitely stop giving him any money at all and say your earning your keep looking after his kids and dogs. It would cost a lot more if he had to get in help.

Dvg · 26/10/2018 13:15

it sounds as if he is using you as a nanny / house keeper :S imagine if he or you decides to leave and you end up with nothing.

Singlenotsingle · 26/10/2018 13:15

Tell him you'll be his housekeeper, but he'll have to pay you and you certainly shouldn't be paying anything in. Then you can save your salary, and potentially put quite a lot of money by. Maybe enough for a deposit on your own place? Tell the boys they need to pitch in and learn how to look after themselves.

RomanyRoots · 26/10/2018 13:16

OP, I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't playing around tbh.
Having you there ready for when he gets back.
He doesn't sound the type to be bothered about your feelings.

KickAssAngel · 26/10/2018 13:23

So what happens if the 15 year old needs medical care? Or just something signed for school? He's completely absolved himself of all responsibility for children, AND he's getting you to pay him to be their housekeeper!!!

Tell him you're splitting up, and that you're moving out. If he wants you to keep looking after the kids, he can pay the going rate for a housekeeper. I'll bet he's saving HUGE amounts of money from this arrangement, probably thousands a month going into savings for him and his reitrement.

Havaina · 26/10/2018 13:26

Nothing new to add but think it's great you're looking at places to stay.

If you need money for a deposit, try and get some extra cash from him saying it's for food, bills etc.

ShatnersWig · 26/10/2018 13:26

My advice to you Kitten is this:

Go to the mirror in the bathroom
Look at your forehead - you'll see the word "mug" or "doormat"
Wipe it away
Pack a bag and leave

Anything else and you are throwing YOUR life away so that HE gets the life HE wants. You've been a mug or doormat for six months. Don't be that any more. Grow some balls and regain your life from this arsehole.

TeeBee · 26/10/2018 13:29

Jeez, I can't believe the cheek of him!
Find a flat and give him a week's notice that you're moving out and that he will need to organise child and dog care from that point onwards. Don't enter into any further conversations with him. Cheeky, cheeky fucker.

Cjngs · 26/10/2018 13:29

Wow you're paying him to look after his boys dogs and house!! Stop it.
I had a bf in my early 40's who after a year or so of us living in our own homes suddenly wanted me to sell up, move my dcs from their schools and buy a house with him in his city. I got supiscous as I'd made it clear from the start I would never live with him and it was not a problem.
I found out his 16 yo son wanted to return to the UK from USA to take his a levels so he needed someone to look after his son when he was away on business. We split up. He ended up paying an older cousin to move in and look after his son. He was just hoping I was so besotted he could use me as a free house keep nanny etc. Do stop paying him as you plan your move!

Juells · 26/10/2018 13:33

He's used his relationship with you to move out, get his dream job, and shrug off responsibility for his children and dogs. And doesn't have the bother of trying to arrange a sexual partner when he's on-shore.

The CF of all CFs.

RyderWhiteSwan · 26/10/2018 13:34

Fuck me! he's totally used you to facilitate his single life away! no more, OP. No more.

Juells · 26/10/2018 13:35

If one was cynical, one might wonder if he had this situation in mind all the time, from first getting together with the OP - a la Cjng's CF.

BloodyDraculcasonthis · 26/10/2018 13:35

He's on board a ship, gets cooked for, his room cleaned and washing done.

Missed this bit...

You know he's living the single life right?
If he's self employed and over 40 it's unlikely it's a military ship.
So that leaves merchant navy, fishing or cruises...

He's not thinking of you and the kids whilst he's off cruising op..

Butterfly44 · 26/10/2018 13:39

Also...,He has a life absolved of responsibilities. Of course he doesn't want it to change. What kind of relationship is that for you. Or his children even. What does it say about someone who after all they must've been through can just up and go. There are always jobs...and you fight to stay within vicinity of your family to retain your family life. He's their living parent. Time for him to have a dose of reality.

This isn't what you signed up for. Get out and find someone who respects you .....and wants to spend time with you even!!!!

lifebegins50 · 26/10/2018 13:46

His selfishness is breathe taking. He has 2 boys who need a parent, especially a Dad and he runs off to sea.

Rather than pay a nanny which would be at a high cost to him he recruits you and YOU pay him money to take care if his boys.
I am shocked he even charges you rent...it is such a good deal for him.

Is he on yachts? If so he is likely to be earning well a d probadly tax free.

I guess he has manipulated you into thinking its unreasonable of you to complain. You are a kind person and he has taken advantage of you whilst also neglecting his boys.I guess the reality of life as a single parent didn't appeal so at the first chance he has skipped off.

Out of interest who goes to parent evenings? Dentist appointments etc?
Do you have PR?

femfemlicious · 26/10/2018 13:52

Everyone's telling you to leave immediately...are they going to contribute to your expensive rent?...use this scenario to change your life...save money and move on
6 month saving most of your pay will be amazing. Think about it.

PoisonousSmurf · 26/10/2018 13:55

Never pick up damaged goods. Then men always say it was the 'woman' who was the crazy one.
Some men only see women as glorified housekeepers.

Juells · 26/10/2018 13:55

femfemlicious has a point. Stop paying anything, demand money for food for the boys. Have your bags packed and move out the day he gets home.

Twisique · 26/10/2018 14:00

Stop paying the mortgage!

Juells · 26/10/2018 14:01

The fucking entitlement of the man is unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sashh · 26/10/2018 14:11

FInd your self a flat, send him a bill for all the cooking, cleaning, looking after the dogs etc.

I also agree he should be paying for all food, bills etc.

Make sure ALL bills are in his name then stop paying them.

You can contact the energy companies to say you are in a vulnerable position and that your soon to be ex is out of the country.

If you are moving before he gets home you might need to contact social services for the younger child.

rookiemere · 26/10/2018 14:15

You know thinking about this, I wouldn't accept this from DH and in our case I'm the DM and joint owner of the ddog ( though it's mostly DHs).

Do what suits you best financially and emotionally, he certainly is.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 39 40