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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 12:32

They do theor own washing, but neither can cook and cleaning is beyond them!
I wouldn't mind if I didn't work FT, but I do then when I get home I have all this to deal with.
He's on board a ship, gets cooked for, his room cleaned and washing done.
He says he has no choice but to do the job, but that isn't true. And he told me it isn't going to change.

OP posts:
BloodyDraculcasonthis · 26/10/2018 12:35

I'd be leaving today TBF. I'd let him.know and make sure the kids are ok, but 18 is an adult and should be capable.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 26/10/2018 12:38

How often does he come home?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2018 12:42

He’s failed as a father when they’ve already lost their mum, and he’s failed as a partner.

Because he’s not being a partner to you, is he?

He’s put himself before all of the people he’s meant to love and care for and he’s screwed you over big time.

OP, you deserve more than this. You matter too!

coffeeagogo · 26/10/2018 12:42

Hell no! You didn't sign up for this and he is off living his life whilst you are at home with the drudge work.

What do you want from your life? What are your dreams? Does he care?

I think you know the answer to a couple of those questions and you are under no obligation to him and his children when he doesn't put your needs into the mix.

CantWaitToRetire · 26/10/2018 12:44

Go now, while you're still young enough to meet someone who deserves you and respects you. If this is how this man is treating you after just 18 months (after a year if you take into account when it began) then he's using you and it won't get any better. I'd go as far as writing a letter terminating your 'employment' and giving notice. If he questions it just say that's how he's treating you so it seemed appropriate.

femfemlicious · 26/10/2018 12:44

For me.... I would stay for 6 months and save like crazy...possibly for a deposit?. Don't pay him any more money...give him A sob story why you can't pay. During that time try to teach the kids independence(If you can).

Leaving straight away would be cutting off your nose to spite your face imho. He's using you, use him as well...short term.

Veterinari · 26/10/2018 12:44

18 and 15 and can’t cook!

I’d be sorting that out straight away. I presume they can read? This they can follow a recipe.
OP stop cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. Draw up a household Rita if chires and make sure these young men pull their weight.

Or move out. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 12:45

I’d give him formal notice that you’re looking at flats and will be gone by x date.

That gives him time to find a PT housekeeper for his kids if he thinks it necessary. Then he can’t complain you’ve left him in the lurch as he has done with you.

On NO account do you look for one yourself, or allow yourself to be plagued by any hypocritical guilt trips. The only one responsible for this situation is him.

Tighnabruaich · 26/10/2018 12:45

The more I read the angrier I get on your behalf. He's taking you for a mug. Do not waste any more time on this situation.

wizzler · 26/10/2018 12:46

Yes you need to leave. It will doubtless end your relationship on a sour note but then he didn't take your feelings into account when he made the career change, did he?

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 12:47

For me.... I would stay for 6 months and save like crazy...possibly for a deposit?

OP needs to leave immediately. The situation is untenable. The time she is spending looking after other people’s children, she could be doing extra paid work on top of her own job in order to save a deposit for a mortgage. Or she could be doing hobbies, or she could be filing her nails. He has basically hijacked her life.

toherdoor · 26/10/2018 12:49

What the actual fuck. He's just got himself a live in nanny, one that pays him money to live there. What an absolute cunt. I'd find somewhere quick and be gone.

Sexnotgender · 26/10/2018 12:50

Stop giving him any money. What’s he going to do?

toherdoor · 26/10/2018 12:50

I'd probably start dating too, if I'm honest.

imip · 26/10/2018 12:50

Seriously, if he wanted this job and didn’t have you, he only had to wait 3 years til the youngest was 18 and be sure they could live independently (they could look after his dogs). He just took a chance to jump st it earlier, using you... I get life may be tough for him losing his wife and being a single parent, but that’s no reason to use you!

toherdoor · 26/10/2018 12:51

Obviously not in the house with the boys around, but I'd sure as fuck be considering myself single.

WobbleTime · 26/10/2018 12:55

Great that you are looking at flats, I think you have no choice but to move out and let him sort out childcare and dog sitting. He seems to view you as some kind of live in help, and as a bonus you are paying towards his bills etc and he gets free housekeeping and dog/childcare. I don’t see any benefit in this arrangement for you, but I can see why he’s happy with it.
Good luck moving on. Onwards and upwards

Hissy · 26/10/2018 12:56

Listen, your domain, your rules.

Firstly they tidy up after themselves. No ifs or buts
Secondly - you can teach them to cook a few basic meals so that they are not raised as useless adults and you will feel less bad about leaving
Thridly - THE BOYS need to do dog walks/care too. Again - no excuses!

Look around for new places and see what the options are,

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 12:59

It’s for their father to teach them to cook. They’ll only resent her for trying anyway. That’s just another job on top of working FT, ferrying them around.

And it’s no skin off OP’s nose if they don’t tidy up.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 26/10/2018 13:00

I agree with Sexnotgender, stop giving him any money, you are already more than earning your keep. It's not like you're married or you've been in a parental role for these boys since they were little and they're like your own DC. He's forced you into a job he should be paying someone for.

Good luck with the flat hunting. In the meantime Spare Room or similar might be a good stopgap for somewhere to live.

Fairenuff · 26/10/2018 13:07

I think you should leave as soon as possible but give him notice so that he can sort out some care for his 15 year old. If nothing is in place by the time you leave, tell the school that the 15 year old is living under the care of his 18 year old brother and their father has no intention of changing his plans.

At least then there will be some responsible adults that know his situation and can look out for his welfare.

And stop contributing financially to anything other than your own needs. He can pay for his own children himself.

dirtybadger · 26/10/2018 13:08

I wonder if he's aware that legally speaking he's putting himself in a compromising position with the dogs.

He paid for them and looked after them. But in 2 years time if you are taking them to the vet, walking them, giving them compassionship, etc, them he would potentially not be granted ownership in a legal battle (not that it sounds like you want to get in to one,just saying as I've attended some seminars on this area of law and that is the reality).

You shouldn't be paying him. Charge him the going dog sitting rate if not...

florafawna · 26/10/2018 13:08

You've been mugged, OP!

rookiemere · 26/10/2018 13:09

You're paying him money when you're looking after his DCs and his dogs ?
If you need more money for your rental, then stay for a bit to save up but don't pay him a penny more.

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