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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 26/10/2018 12:08

Ideally you should leave right now but I can understand that you don't want to abandon the boys. When is he next coming home? At the very least, make plans to move out then. Be careful of telling him in advance, though, as he might just not come home if he knows you don't want to leave the kids alone. What a pp said is so true - he has checked out of this relationship already. Likely he is seeing someone else, unless he's on an oil rig and maybe even then. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Again as pp have said, how will you feel in 3 years' time when the younger boy is an adult and your partner dumps you? You are being taken for a mug and you have no life at all.

In the meantime, teach both boys how to read and access Youtube so they can follow recipes and on-screen instructions. Wait - they can already read and Youtube. Everyone can cook, they just choose not to. Start a rota for the cooking. All three of you take it in turns. Meal plan for the week so you (plural - together) can order all the food needed for that week's meals. Buy extra baked beans and bread so if they ruin a meal you all have beans on toast that night (don't tell them in advance or they will say "tonight's my turn to cook, we're having beans on toast." Tell them practice makes perfect and to keep trying.

thenightsky · 26/10/2018 12:10

Get out and get your own place to live, in your name.

I had a friend in a similar situation, but no kids and only one dog. They were going to marry 'sometime in the future'. She put money into his house, a lot of money (new kitchen extension etc). He dropped dead at work one day. His family chucked her and the dog out (she's stuck with the dog as she hasn't the heart to put it in rescue, plus its the only thing she has left of him). She never saw a penny back.

BloodyDraculcasonthis · 26/10/2018 12:10

I wouldn't even tell him you're looking. If you do he'll start laying on the guilt tripping and laying it on thick and promise change.. change that will last exactly until he thinks he can stop pretending.

peanutbutterandbanana · 26/10/2018 12:12

How long have you been doing this, OP?

He sounds like an entitled, unloving CF.

Move on. There are decent men out there; you don't have to put up with a shit.

EK36 · 26/10/2018 12:13

Im assuming you're not married to him. I would move out and rent a small bedsit. Otherwise you'll be trapped in that situation for the next ten years.

Tighnabruaich · 26/10/2018 12:13

As everyone else has said - move out! He gets to have his dream job, while someone else feeds his kids, walks his dogs and looks after the house.
At 42 you are still young enough to meet someone else. I met mine at that age.
Don't put up with this pile of shite any more, life's too short. The 18 year old is an adult and can take over your duties.

Tighnabruaich · 26/10/2018 12:13

And don't tell him. Just do it.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/10/2018 12:15

Sounds like he moved you in specifically so he could follow his dream. CFery!

And let's not even start on what he's up to while he's away

Mitzimaybe · 26/10/2018 12:15

Oh and same with the cleaning, washing etc. - have a rota, everyone does their share. It may seem harsh but it is doing them a favour in the long run.

ElectricMonkey · 26/10/2018 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pallisers · 26/10/2018 12:16

you are feeling used because that is what is happening to you. He moved you in to his house so he could do flake off and dump you with his responsibilities.

Move out. You are young yet - loads more fish in the sea who are decent and not callous users. and being alone isn't that bad either.

I feel bad for those 2 boys though - shite father.

Panicwithmephisto · 26/10/2018 12:17

If it’s your pay day soon then try to save as much as you can,towards future deposit/rent so you can move out all the quicker.

If he asks where your “rent” money is day that you are keeping it as you have been acting as an unpaid housekeeper/dog walker.

alligatorsmile · 26/10/2018 12:18

Would he still have left his boys and buggered off to chase his dream job if he was single?

Those poor lads. It's been abundantly clear to them where THEY are in his list of priorities hasn't it, and they don't have the option to tell him to stick it.

Toothfairee · 26/10/2018 12:18

*Then do the kids a favour. You don't have to do it but they've got no mum and their dad is a knob.

Spend a bit of time teaching them to live independently, how to cook, do the cleaning etc. A few basic meals.

Then get out. He's using you. You owe him nothing but it might be nice to plant some seeds of independence in the kids.*

this seems such great advice. (lots of other good advice too) if you can keep in touch with the boys, I'm sure they would appreciate it.

DarlingNikita · 26/10/2018 12:19

The 18yo can't cook and is pretty dependant on me.

Well, sort that out. 18! A lot of us were living alone or with children/partners and running a house by that age.

Rudgie47 · 26/10/2018 12:19

Sort yourself out a bedsit/or a room in a house etc asap. As soon as you have got this sorted leave and just text /email him.

Hes really using you OP, the dogs and his children are not your responsibility. He will have to give his job and come home and look after them.

Butterfly44 · 26/10/2018 12:19

Move out. This isn't the life you forsee.
You have needs and wants yourself. Don't waste your own life facilitating someone else's.
The kids are old enough to manage, and can start to step up to the challenge.
It was good at the beginning, now things have changed. Time to move on x

diddl · 26/10/2018 12:21

So whilst he's away-is he even paying anything for bills/rent/mortgage?

I think the fact that he has effectively abandoned his kids is reason enough to leave.

Would the 15yr old be allowed to stay with the 18yr old?

Skittlesandbeer · 26/10/2018 12:25

Usually in these sorts of scenarios it is customary to suggest the put-upon partner start asking the cheeky fucker partner, sarcastically, ‘What did your last slave die of?!’

Obviously not appropriate here. Though one wonders...

OP, by all means keep helping those poor kids, but do it from a distance. Spend the time now skilling them up a bit. Sounds like no one’s bothered up till now. Pet care, laundry, cooking is all within reach for both their age groups. And pull in the grandparents, aunties & uncles. Time they stepped up & in.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 12:27

@JingsMahBucket

They have one grandma nearby and she will help out, but I am doing the lions share.
All other family live far away and they rarely see the boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 12:29

He pays the mortgage, I pay him money towards that and CT. I don't pay a lot, but I do buy food and drive kids around etc.

I have decided the 18yo can cook for himself etc.

I am looking at flats as I type this

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 26/10/2018 12:30

OP, like others have mentioned, it would be a kindness to teach both boys some ways of looking after themselves while you sort out alternatives for yourself.

EG basic cookery, washing, etc. They're plenty old enough to do this.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 12:30

@Skittlesandbeer

I like the idea of skilling them up a bit - good idea. Thanks.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 26/10/2018 12:32

He is one CF. He has live in childcare and dog care while he swans off to do his dream job? I rather think not! Good on you for looking to move out. The lads will learn to cook quick smart once you are gone!

RibenaMonsoon · 26/10/2018 12:32

I wouldn't stick around in your shoes. Give him a date that you will be moving out and he damn well better be back by then to look after his children and pets because you won't be there to do so.

It's not your responsibility and he shouldn't have put you in this position.