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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Escolar · 26/10/2018 11:43

I can’t believe he has done this! What an absolute arse.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 11:44

You could be using the time this extra work creates for you, to be doing paid work on the side of your job and using that for a mortgage deposit.

Juells · 26/10/2018 11:44

I wish I was a man. I could get a woman to do all the housework, look after my children and my dogs, and have sex on tap when I deign to come home. It's a great life Smile

Move out. You're literally a dogsbody.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/10/2018 11:45

Wow. That's the kind of thing that could reasonably happen after marriage, negotiation and with a lot of mutual respect and understanding.

He has cast you as 'wife' (aka domestic servant) without giving you the accompanying emotional and financial security and is utterly taking you for granted and taking advantage of your kindness.

Why didn't you raise the 'and what if I leave?' or 'what's in it for me?' questions when he told you of his plans? If you did, what was his response?

His kids can look after his dogs.

pumpkinpie01 · 26/10/2018 11:46

Thats so out of order you have been living together a year and off he goes ! He might be thinking the boys are old enough to look after themselves but teenage lads can be hard work why should you be monitoring their drinking/homework/tidying up after them/making sure they dont get into trouble. You didnt get involved in this relationship to be a single mother for kids that aren't even yours. He is being selfish towards you and them, they have lost their mum they need their dad how can he not see that ?! How bloody selfish !

queenrollo · 26/10/2018 11:47

I think you know that you need to leave this man, but I do understand it's not as simple as just walking away when there are two clearly vulnerable children in the mix. Are there no other relatives that you can call on to support the boys so that you can leave?
Personally I wouldn't even try to negotiate a way forward with your 'partner' because it seems quite clear the only person he is concerned with is himself.
I would just start making plans today to move out and start afresh.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/10/2018 11:50

You can maintain a relationship with the boys, when you live in your own flat, if that's what you all want. You don't have to walk out of their lives abruptly.

flumpybear · 26/10/2018 11:51

I think you've been hoodwinked but I feel very sorry for his children here, he's abandoned them effectively!

rainbowstardrops · 26/10/2018 11:52

Not only is he treating you appallingly but he's just abandoned his children when they've already lost their mum!
What a peach 

Urchinella · 26/10/2018 11:53

Do you actually quite enjoy living with the boys though OP? I'm getting a slight sense that you don't relish the prospect of living alone again, even though you know you're being a mug.

Doobydoobeedoo · 26/10/2018 11:55

"The boys' mum passed away a few years ago so they've had a tough time."

So his children have already lost one parent and now the remaining one has buggered off and left them with his girlfriend?

I'd leave him for that too.

ciderhouserules · 26/10/2018 11:56

I went away for 4.5 months last year, leaving my 18yo* at home (with his father and brother!) - when I came back, he could cook, was very into fitness and clean eating and managed to keep his room and the kitchen tidy. He cooked for the others most days.

*(He was supposed to go to Uni to enable me to go away, but decided not to)

Teach the older one to cook some dishes.

Then get your own place. Leave.

Twisique · 26/10/2018 11:57

Teach the boys to cook three simple meals. They all have to learn sometime!

When is he due back?

mummmy2017 · 26/10/2018 11:58

Tell him you have rethought it all and he will have to pay all the bills including the food.
Since your doing all the parenting you would like the food money paid monthly in advance...
Start treating this as a job. His home so he can either move home, pay up or you move out...

Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 11:58

You're all so right, I'm going to start looking for somewhere else.

They are not my boys or dogs and him going wasn't a joint decision.

I'm 42, and have been married but never had children. He's 46 and has been married twice so he doesn't even want to get married again so I don't even have that commitment
.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 26/10/2018 11:58

Going back to expensive rents is the least of your problems. This man has no regard for you or your feelings, and probably not much for his children either from the sound of it. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Get out, nothing good can come of this.

mummmy2017 · 26/10/2018 11:59

Oh and tell him if he has to pay for house keeper you think live in is about 15k a year including pension.

JingsMahBucket · 26/10/2018 11:59

@Kitten76 do they have any other family members close by who can take them? Also, like a PP asked, when is he due back?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2018 12:01

You were well and truly suckered in by your so called partner here; all he ever cared about ultimately was his own self. I feel sorry for his children also here because he has effectively abandoned them. Its not your fault and you should move out as soon as possible.

Sexnotgender · 26/10/2018 12:01

That’s so sad for the children.

Please don’t be guilted into staying though.

They are their fathers responsibility much as I’m sure you care for them.

They’ve gone through the trauma of losing their mum at a young age and now dad’s fucked off and left them with his GF. Poor boys.

EvePolastriSorryBaby · 26/10/2018 12:02

Hi OP, sounds like this guy has taken advantage and you deserve more.
Send the boys off to grandparents or other family if they are nearby. With the dogs if poss.

Leave the house, pack up your stuff and stay elsewhere. Look for a relationship in which you're treated like a partner, not an employee.

I wish you the best 

lottiegarbanzo · 26/10/2018 12:02

The mad thing is, this could all have worked, if he'd done it in the right order - bring up boys and marry you first, then freelance after they've left home - and, if you were happy to be apart from him so much of the time, just at the time you might be relishing having the house to yourselves. Maybe you'd never have been happy with that. Did he ask you what you felt about it?

swingofthings · 26/10/2018 12:03

Do you pay toawrds the moftgage/rent/ct ? Are his kids with you FT? Because if he pays for everything and his boys are only there every other weekend then you're not getting a bad deal. If you are paying to house and babysit why has it taking you so long to see that it's not right?

NationalShiteDay · 26/10/2018 12:03

Then do the kids a favour. You don't have to do it but they've got no mum and their dad is a knob.

Spend a bit of time teaching them to live independently, how to cook, do the cleaning etc. A few basic meals.

Then get out. He's using you. You owe him nothing but it might be nice to plant some seeds of independence in the kids.

DishingOutDone · 26/10/2018 12:07

You are kind to look after the boys and the dogs, and I can understand why you wouldn't want to leave them without support etc. Trouble is, so can your DP - he saw you coming. I'm cross and sad for you all really, what an arse that man is to have all that at home and a chance of a happy life with his kids, dogs and you, and he just fucks off.

He's presented you with a fait accompli. You have to leave Sad

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