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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

TwistinMyMelon · 26/10/2018 11:14

Fuck that shit! How old are you op? Move out now and find someone who respects you and your wants/needs. It won't get any better, trust me.

Sethis · 26/10/2018 11:16

"Give me a specific date when I can go chasing my dream job, and you come back to look after the kids and the pets."

1 year? 2 years? 10 years?

How much of your life do you intend to sacrifice to his choice of job? Bear in mind that you only get one life - you can't take turns where one life he does all the work and you do all the childcare then you do swapsies for the next life.

This is the only life you get. If he's not willing to grant you the same freedoms as he himself is enjoying, you need to get the hell out. Compromise is the name of the game and he sounds completely unwilling to do so.

MarilynsDressOnAVent · 26/10/2018 11:18

I'm with everyone else here. Look for somewhere else and leave the 18yo minding his brother and dogs. He is legally an adult and none of your concern. IMHO when one partners ups and leaves the home to live the majority of the time elsewhere without the other partner's agreement then it's all on them. THEY left. They called time on the relationship.

My MIL is always ranting about her nephew's ex "cheating on him" after he emigrated to America without them rather than waiting and marrying first and going all together. She didn't want him to go. They had a young child together. He wasn't in a financial situation in his new country to even send some of his wages home like most people working away do. He basically left her.

And then everyone was all mad when she went and moved on. I can't blame her.

Hoppinggreen · 26/10/2018 11:21

What wouid he do about his dream job without you?
He’s a user and a dick, move out

mooncuplanding · 26/10/2018 11:23

What does he say when he gets defensive?

Where is the mother of the children?

Sounds like a very unfair situation for you and the total lack of regard for you and your 'dreams' means this relationship is likely to be always one sided. In the scheme of things, it is quite new and having such responsibility so quickly is pretty bad.

I can't imagine leaving my slightly younger teens with a virtual stranger for extended periods of time. This is exactly the time they can get into trouble very quickly and do need guidance and boundaries. What does he expect you to do if one of them gets pissed up and throws up? Is rude to you? Brings back a load of mates? A girlfriend and expects her to stay over?

Its a strange parenting decision never mind the impact its having on you

dustarr73 · 26/10/2018 11:24

Why would you need to keep an 18 and 15 year old in line.Let them look after the dogs.

And you just do your own thing

HollowTalk · 26/10/2018 11:25

You know that he could be off shagging whoever he wants while you mind his kids, then the minute they've left home he could dump you.

You should have moved out the second he said he was going to move away.

Miscible · 26/10/2018 11:25

He does sound totally selfish. He's using you as a free childminder/dog walker, and so far as he's concerned his "dream job" is far more important than your happiness. You can do better than this.

HiHoToffee · 26/10/2018 11:27

I wouldn't leave a 15 and 18 year old to fend for themselves, I would use the time until his next shore leave to secure a rental and move out the second he gets home.

And yes to he had planned this well in advance.

RomanyRoots · 26/10/2018 11:28

He's been waiting to find a mug who would stand by and be treated like you.
Then you came along, and Bingo.

Do you really need to ask what to do when you are being taken for a mug.
They aren't your kids and anyway should be managing on their own at their age.
It's not up to you to parent them.
Are they your dogs? if not, they are nothing to do with you either.
he cares nothing for you, I'd be gone before he gets back tbh.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 26/10/2018 11:29

"If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval"

If your DP is as much as a selfish arse as your post illustrates then the above will be inevitable anyway. Might as well take the plunge now to minimise the time he gets to use you. Who voluntarily moves away from someone they love unless absolutely necessary?

flumpybear · 26/10/2018 11:31

Where's the mum here?

See risky his boys need to move in with her, dogs= sitter ... if your dream job turned up and you had the choice to move who would trump whom?

Original poster

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 11:32

Wow, thanks for all the comments. Really appreciate it.

The boys' mum passed away a few years ago so they've had a tough time.

The 18yo can't cook and is pretty dependant on me.

I really am a mug.

OP posts:

wrenika · 26/10/2018 11:33

I'd tell him to sling his hook! It sounds like he's got himself the ideal situation and no responsibility.

LaGruffaloGrumble · 26/10/2018 11:33

You need to talk to him seriously about what is going on here and basically put him on notice. Either he comes home and finds some kind of compromise on how much time he works off shore (is that even possible?) or you arrange to break up and he sorts his life out this way.

What he is doing is massively disrespectful. No wonder you're falling out of love with him!

cheesefield · 26/10/2018 11:34

My god, move out woman! You're an unpaid housekeeper!

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2018 11:35

Dear god woman. Move out! What price your sanity and self respect?

Start looking for somewhere to move to today.

Helmetbymidnight · 26/10/2018 11:36

Don’t let yourself be used in this way.

What he’s done is really shocking.

TwistedStitch · 26/10/2018 11:37

The fact that they have no other parent makes him even more of a shit, both to you and his kids. He can't even wait until his youngest child, who has lost his mother, is a legal adult before buggering off chasing his dreams? He sounds like a really selfish person and I would struggle to still be attracted to him.

BloodyDraculcasonthis · 26/10/2018 11:37

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval

So be a live in domestic servant.
Or get out and pay rent yourself.

Don't trade your happiness to avoid paying rent. Text him and tell him you're leaving, he'll need to sort a dog walker and child care etc.

SinisterClownWatchingYou · 26/10/2018 11:37

LTB, he is using you!

bibliomania · 26/10/2018 11:38

Another man who thinks women exist purely to service his needs.

safetyfreak · 26/10/2018 11:39

Eurgh how dare he!

I am stunned he has done this to you and his response when you confronted him :0 he is not after a partner but a nanny for his kids so he can do what he likes.

Move out, better than being treated like a mug.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 11:42

Find a new place to live, move out and get on with your life. Keep in touch with the kids if you are fond of them, but erase this user from your life.

Mrskeats · 26/10/2018 11:42

He’s done a right number on you.
Move on.

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