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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sitting at my desk in tears

194 replies

Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 15:12

Been with my DP for 2 years, he’s got 2DC from a previous relationship, we live together, in my house, and both in our 40s.

Life isn’t easy as he’s self employed and takes a fairly big chunk of the child care (does school pick ups, sees them most days etc) and is rarely home before 8.30/9pm. It doesn’t leave much time for us.

Periodically he goes off the radar for a couple of days/weeks, ignoring everyone but the kids/their mother. He just gets overwhelmed and hides. He’s done it a few times and I’ve always tried to be understanding as I know how overwhelmed he is.

However, this time I’ve had enough. He prioritises work, his ex and kids (rightly so) and every other demand on his time over me. I can’t remember the last time he organised for us to go out and do anything. I feel like I’m carrying us, keeping everything going at home with little in return.

We don’t often fight but if we do he has a huff and throws in the towel. He’s been lying low for the past couple of weeks. He knows I’ll be angry with him when he comes back, so he avoids the confrontation when he’s f*ed up.

I finally just said ‘no’ to him.

He’s just called me asking if he can get some stuff from the house for work. I’ve just no, he has to wait until I’m there. I don’t care if this means letting a client down. He had all weekend. He said he’d come on Saturday. He didn’t.

I’m sick of being the kind one. I’m sick of being understanding. And I’m sick of being last.

I’m sitting at my desk in work and I just want to cry. I’m shaking from having said ‘no’. Finally.

He’s texting to say he’ll clear out his stuff tonight. I’ve told him he can collect it at my convenience, not his.

I’m so angry and hurt. Please help me stay strong. Despite it all, I love him. Letting him go will break my heart.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 22/10/2018 15:16

awww you poor thing, it sounds like you're making the right choice though. You can find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve but the first step is treat yourself with respect and this is what you're doing now

IAmSproutycus · 22/10/2018 15:17

Good call on your part. I love it when I read a woman is correctly assessing her own self worth and telling some total loser to leave. Bloody good call you! I know this is very raw right now, but my God you'll have no regrets over this one in a year's time, I guarantee. I am raising my mug of tea to you, my dear, and wish you every possible good fortune in either staying single, coming to the dark side, or finding one of the more reasonable ones out there. Toasting your imminent freedom from being made to feel second rate as I type! xx

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 22/10/2018 15:20

Dating a man with DC is tough at the very best of times but doomed to failure if he doesn't realise that he doesn't need to treat you like crap on his shoe in order to be a good parent to his kids/co parent with his ex.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much but you are well rid Flowers

SleepWarrior · 22/10/2018 15:22

Good call, but don't drag it out just to have chance to say no to him - do get his stuff out asap as that'll help you move on. Just think of the never having to pander to someone who 'disappears' ever again. You must be so emotionally drained from being with this man. Hang in there - it won't feel this raw and painful forever Flowers

Mousella · 22/10/2018 15:24

Ginger you are doing the right thing. Your story is so similar to mine. Took me another two years and I wish i had done it sooner.

Raising my cup of tea to you too. Soon there’ll be no more crying at work. Be strong xxx

Original poster
Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 15:26

Thank you all. I don't feel strong at all.

@ACatsNoHelpWithThat Sadly, the children are a bonus. They're a joy to have got to know. He just feels so guilty about having left them and their mother on her own, that she clicks her fingers and he jumps. Never says no to her.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 22/10/2018 15:40

I think you are doing the right thing for you. The problem is his behaviou which you can't control just your response.

Buy i think you are wrong to not let him collect his stuff if he was living there. I would not want this to happen to me or any woman who lived in a man's house who wanted to end the relationship. I'm sorry but I don't agree with that. It is an unnecessary escalation

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 22/10/2018 15:44

Aww Ginger sucks doesn't it. It's very rarely a DC problem but a DP problem. He doesn't sound ready for a relationship.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 22/10/2018 15:46

I'm not entirely sure you need anyone to help you keep strong, you sound bloody amazing!
I'm sorry you are in so much pain, but you have absolutely done the right thing.
I would get him to pick his stuff asap though, just to get it done,then you really can move on.Flowers

Original poster
Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 15:47

Hi @LemonTT , I get what you're saying but he's not been there for the last 2.5 weeks. Just went to work one day and didn't come back so I don't think it's fair that he can just pitch up whenever he wants. I've simply asked him to wait until I'm at home. I feel likes he's broken my nest and I've been feeling very vulnerable knowing that he could just turn up. I'm not going to stop him collecting his stuff, just not when i'm not there.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/10/2018 15:50

Hi @Ginger I think you're absolutely right to make him wait until it's convenient for you.

I feel likes he's broken my nest and I've been feeling very vulnerable knowing that he could just turn up

Absolutely right. Your home is your sanctuary. He's broken that trust. Get your keys back from him and change the locks to be on the safe side.

Really sorry this has happened but it really does sound like the best decision for you. He sounds like a total flake to be honest. Flowers

Jaxhog · 22/10/2018 15:54

He isn't your DP, he's an occasional visitor. Be strong, you know what to do. Agree a time for him to collect his stuff, then close and lock the door behind him.

You deserve better.

Jlynhope · 22/10/2018 15:54

I'm so impressed by your strength. You have done the right thing and done a bloody brilliant job of it!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2018 15:55

I'm so sorry OP - but so very proud of you that you've stood up to him. He's been using you as a 'comforter' a 'provider of esteem' and given nothing back to you.

I know you love him but he's the one who's lost, not you. Ultimately he'll realise that but by then, you'll have recovered your feelings as well as your home, and you won't be taken in by his nonsense again.

Don't be sorry, be stubborn and look out for only yourself from now on. He didn't deserve you one bit.

TheMaddHugger · 22/10/2018 15:56

Soft ((((((Madd Hugger Hugs)))))))) Sad

I beleive in you 🌻🌺🌼🌸🌻🌷🌼🌺🌻

BiologyMatters · 22/10/2018 15:58

In a few months time you'll wonder what you ever saw in him. Just get yourself through the next few weeks Flowers

SandyY2K · 22/10/2018 15:59

So he lives with you, but disappears when he feels like?

You deserve better.

Hissy · 22/10/2018 16:02

In a few months time you'll wonder what you ever saw in him. Just get yourself through the next few weeks Flowers

Absolutely this ^

You are going to be fine my dear, he wasn't worthy of the wonderful person you are

Loonoon · 22/10/2018 16:03

This is so sad but I have to agree with the people saying he isn’t a partner to you. He’s a man with a lot of issues who often stays at yours. The fact that he can stay away for weeks at a time without contacting you shows that.

Change the locks. Tell him his stuff will be on the doorstep at a time you both agree. Then allow yourself to grieve and move on.

TeaByTheSeaside · 22/10/2018 16:04

You're doing the right thing in getting rid. You deserve better.

You say you live together but he's disappeared for 2 weeks. Where does he go?

Not that it really matters but is he going back to his wife?

userxx · 22/10/2018 16:04

Where does he go? Does he have his own house?

You are doing the right thing by ending it.

Northernparent68 · 22/10/2018 16:04

His disappearing act is bad but apart from that he’s s hard working man who spends a lot of time with his children, as he should. How can he give you priority over work and his children ? Not letting him collect his stuff was mean.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/10/2018 16:05

I like those flowers, MadHugger, I wish they were on the list here.

Sending you another set of those, Ginger, and BrewCakeGin

and this Star

Gemini69 · 22/10/2018 16:06

OP he has treated you appallingly and continues to do so... he simply falls off the face of the earth for weeks then he waits to sneak into the house you share to take his stuff... when he knows you will not be there.... after you supporting loving and accommodating him... he's is a COWARD...

you're well shot.... Flowers

Loopytiles · 22/10/2018 16:07

It’s really good that you’ve ended the relationship.