Sitting at my desk in tears

[Ginger153]

Been with my DP for 2 years, he’s got 2DC from a previous relationship, we live together, in my house, and both in our 40s.

Life isn’t easy as he’s self employed and takes a fairly big chunk of the child care (does school pick ups, sees them most days etc) and is rarely home before 8.30/9pm. It doesn’t leave much time for us.

Periodically he goes off the radar for a couple of days/weeks, ignoring everyone but the kids/their mother. He just gets overwhelmed and hides. He’s done it a few times and I’ve always tried to be understanding as I know how overwhelmed he is.

However, this time I’ve had enough. He prioritises work, his ex and kids (rightly so) and every other demand on his time over me. I can’t remember the last time he organised for us to go out and do anything. I feel like I’m carrying us, keeping everything going at home with little in return.

We don’t often fight but if we do he has a huff and throws in the towel. He’s been lying low for the past couple of weeks. He knows I’ll be angry with him when he comes back, so he avoids the confrontation when he’s f*ed up.

I finally just said ‘no’ to him.

He’s just called me asking if he can get some stuff from the house for work. I’ve just no, he has to wait until I’m there. I don’t care if this means letting a client down. He had all weekend. He said he’d come on Saturday. He didn’t.

I’m sick of being the kind one. I’m sick of being understanding. And I’m sick of being last.

I’m sitting at my desk in work and I just want to cry. I’m shaking from having said ‘no’. Finally.

He’s texting to say he’ll clear out his stuff tonight. I’ve told him he can collect it at my convenience, not his.

I’m so angry and hurt. Please help me stay strong. Despite it all, I love him. Letting him go will break my heart.

I’m shaking from having said ‘no’. Finally. He’s texting to say he’ll clear out his stuff tonight.

So from what it sounds like, you saying "no" to a simple request from him has turned into "let's split up" in his head? It might be for the best but it seems like a real overreaction on his part.

Well done for standing up for yourself.

His ex feels sorry for him but not sorry enough to leave him alone and have a normal life (ie expecting him to be at her beck and call and even pints of milk ). It sounds as if they have a very strange relationship and she enjoys playing with him like a cat and it’s prey. This is not a healthy dynamic to be around!

Well done for putting yourself first and sticking to your convictions.

You're doing the right thing. I know because I did it.

To this day I have no idea where I got the strength or the clarity, but I told XH to leave on the Sunday (without keys), allowed him to get some stuff on the Wednesday and the rest of his stuff on the Saturday - all at times agreed by me and in my presence.

Having everything gone within a week really helped me recover from the break up.

You are doing this right, and doing it well.

@Mummyoflittledragon I think she has no respect for him.

It all breaks my heart because I feel more at home with him than I ever have with anyone else but he's too flakey. I should have done this the firt time it happened and i've let it continue.

@busybarbara So from what it sounds like, you saying "no" to a simple request from him has turned into "let's split up" in his head? It might be for the best but it seems like a real overreaction on his part

I told him he'd chosen to walk out and I wasn't going to let him walk back in. I told him I wanted my keys back. Tonight.

Sorry, I don't know how to do the bold/quote thing. I tried!

I loved the message from an earlier poster who said that you correctly assessed your self worth and this bloke is not good enough. You couldn’t go on as you were and you will be happier after the initial pain has subsided.

Well done for sticking up for yourself and saying ‘no’. I married a man who had 3 young children, it was not easy and it often caused arguments, it got a little easier as they got older but 3 years ago I walked away. I wouldn’t get involved with anyone with young kids again, it’s just too stressful and I cant cope with being bottom of the pile.

Well done op you’ve done the right thing. I was in a very similar situation years ago and, stupidly, I let it drag out for 5 years. I was much younger and a lot more naive back then. I wish I’d left him the first time he walked out instead of practically begging him to come back. I’m so proud of you for knowing you’re worth so much more than this. Stick to your guns this time, you know he isn’t right for you. Good luck

@Ginger153 👍🏻🍸 to you on protecting yourself from any emotional scenes and/or blackmail.

Stick to your guns.

good luck tonight OP.. stay focused and remember you deserve so much better than the way this man has treated you

Thank you. I'm finally home and waiting for the proverbial to hit the fan. I think he's been here. He called this afternoon and I told him I wasn't happy with him coming round. I suspect he has anyway. There's photos out of place on the chest where I think he's been looking for shed key. I had left it somewhere other than usual place.

Time to change the locks and make it crystal clear whose home it is. If he's gone in when you've asked him not to he's not taking you seriously. This is incredibly tough but it will be easier when all his stuff has gone and you can count on him not getting in again. Show him you mean business, missus. You can do this.

be calm OP.. being calm makes Him truly aware that you mean it this time.. be controlled and calm

I'm good at doing calm when I'm angry. I cried all the way home but now I think he's been here I'm just angry and anxious. Thanks for being kind.

A man who puts his kids first doesn’t fuck them up by suddenly turning up to live with them for 2 weeks every 6 months.

You’re right to get rid.

More likely, he’s a selfish arsehole hiding behind “putting the kids first”.

Did he leave Ex?
I suspect he is flaky and self centred, when he has to step up he takes off.

No way do you or anyone deserve this.

He's definitely been here. The tools he needed are gone. He's obviously had to do some serious rummaging to find the shed key. I tried calling him. No answer. Very tempted to call his ex and find out if he's there or to go to the house. I just don't want him being here when I'm not. I feel violated.

You need to change the locks!

I can't believe he let himself in to your home. Does he still have stuff there. Change the locks and send him a message telling him that you are disappointed that he didn't respect your privacy and you have now had to change the locks. What a coward,

Don't call her. Call a locksmith.
Keep on keeping on - you are doing brilliantly.

Change the locks OP.

Yes, change the locks asap. Emergency locksmith if needs be. Or try bolting the front door and then going out the back temporarily, if you can, until you can get the locks changed. It's disrespectful of him to ignore what you said, and shows that he puts himself first, again.

He does still have stuff here. He's just taken the tools he needed. I just want my keys now. The house he's staying in is 5 mins away.

@Butterymuffin there's no bolt. Just front door, so sadly it's not an option