Sitting at my desk in tears

[Ginger153]

Been with my DP for 2 years, he’s got 2DC from a previous relationship, we live together, in my house, and both in our 40s.

Life isn’t easy as he’s self employed and takes a fairly big chunk of the child care (does school pick ups, sees them most days etc) and is rarely home before 8.30/9pm. It doesn’t leave much time for us.

Periodically he goes off the radar for a couple of days/weeks, ignoring everyone but the kids/their mother. He just gets overwhelmed and hides. He’s done it a few times and I’ve always tried to be understanding as I know how overwhelmed he is.

However, this time I’ve had enough. He prioritises work, his ex and kids (rightly so) and every other demand on his time over me. I can’t remember the last time he organised for us to go out and do anything. I feel like I’m carrying us, keeping everything going at home with little in return.

We don’t often fight but if we do he has a huff and throws in the towel. He’s been lying low for the past couple of weeks. He knows I’ll be angry with him when he comes back, so he avoids the confrontation when he’s f*ed up.

I finally just said ‘no’ to him.

He’s just called me asking if he can get some stuff from the house for work. I’ve just no, he has to wait until I’m there. I don’t care if this means letting a client down. He had all weekend. He said he’d come on Saturday. He didn’t.

I’m sick of being the kind one. I’m sick of being understanding. And I’m sick of being last.

I’m sitting at my desk in work and I just want to cry. I’m shaking from having said ‘no’. Finally.

He’s texting to say he’ll clear out his stuff tonight. I’ve told him he can collect it at my convenience, not his.

I’m so angry and hurt. Please help me stay strong. Despite it all, I love him. Letting him go will break my heart.

he's getting more brutal because he is not getting the usual desired responses... you're not falling for it... you're doing really good OP.. he's taken the piss outof you for far too long.. disappearing for weeks is so childish and immature.. he's a grown man ffs he needs to man up ?!

He’s racking up the guilt tripping because he’s not getting the desired effect from you.

Tell him that unless it is to discuss collecting his stuff then to please refrain from texting or calling

If he starts threatening to do something stupid then say that you will dial 999 and phone his family so he can get the help he needs. Bet he backs right off then.

I know you're all right. It's hard because I've never given up on someone I love before. Staying strong isn't easy. I just wish that he'd been able to match his words with actions and now it's too late and I must forge ahead on my own 

He is an adult and responsible for his behaviours and the effects on other people. He's been propped up too much by those who care for him but it has enabled his self pity.
He is beating himself up more now as you are not reacting how he wants you to. But he is responsible for his life, you are not. He has to learn to accept you are no longer together.
I've had to do it. I treated someone badly, though didn't realise it at the time until realisation hit me a while later. I just had to take it, lose him, face myself and move on knowing I'd hurt another human being albeit unintentionally...I was immature.
I'd say your poorly mum is your priority now, she needs support but it's not a good time for you I know.
Please stay strong, look after yourself, contact police if you are really worried he is going to do something silly. Have a peaceful weekend, you've done well so far.

He gave up on you every time he ran away OP.... remember that...

Definitely agree with a previous poster. If he gets to the point where he’s threatening harming himself or suicide, call his family and the police. If he is in a bad place where he might do that then it’s not your place to try and stop him, and if he isn’t and is doing it for effect you guarantee he will never, ever, do it again.

There's tonnes of remorse and recognition of the impact on me

'you should hate me', 'I know you want m out of your life'

That's not about you, that's about him. It's just him banging on about himself.

The problem is that he agrees with me and then goes and does exactly the same thing again anyway!

So a liar and a manipulator.

I think you need to block his texts. He will escalate the language in them to see how far he has to push you before you'll take him back. If he can vanish without warning for as long as he likes when you're together, you can certainly do it now you're not.

Bag up his stuff and put it outside your door. Keeping in touch with him on the vague promise of owed money is going to cause you far more emotional upset than it’s worth. Just write the money off and block his number. He’s being hard on himself to manipulate you.

He’s manipulating you. He’s bringing out the big guns, to get the result he wants from you. He doesn’t care about how you feel.

Stay strong. He’s obviously adept at keeping women on a string (which must play a part in the inability of his ex to draw firm boundaries, which presumably he wouldn’t want). Don’t let him twist you into shapes - you’re free now.

Thanks all. Out with friends at a gig so can take my mind off it all x

Northernparent68 I’d really like to know what color is the sky in your dream world?

He’s been around to your place to show you he can do what he wants, when he wants, only to find the locks being changed... then he stays away to punish you, only to find you didn’t beg him to come back? You didn’t call while he was bludging on other people’s sofas, etc.... and he’s probably run out of patient other people, and now shit’s getting real. Keep doing your thing. He’ll find some other sap just like he’s done every other time.

Self pitying texts, threats to do harm to himself...how tediously unsurprising.

Justilou1 is absolutley right. He's like a spoilt kid having a tantrum because he can't have what he wants.

Do not fall for this tactic. Remember, we don't reward bad behaviour with attention.

Drop his stuff off at his job.

If he really believed it when he says "'you should hate me, I know you want me out of your life", he would leave you alone.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. You are doing so so well OP - he is trying to lay down the emotional blackmail on you - how dare he??! I hope you have a lovely time at the gig x

@Miscible after a few texts I just replied saying I was gutted but couldn't go on and asking him to collect his stuff tomorrow. It needed to be reiterated in black and white.

I'm still feeling pretty raw but it's better than the constant wondering about when and if he's coming back.

I just need to get through the next few days of clearing stuff out and saying goodbye 

I should add that it seems to have worked. I could see him typing a reply but then nothing. He can't fight against my non reaction to the emotional stuff. I'll call him tomorrow to collect his things.

He’s been around to your place to show you he can do what he wants, when he wants, only to find the locks being changed... then he stays away to punish you, only to find you didn’t beg him to come back? - this is absolutely correct. He's shocked that he can't have everything any more.

And that is making him feel bad, so he's throwing that at you. Ignore.

And well done for getting rid.