Sitting at my desk in tears

[Ginger153]

Been with my DP for 2 years, he’s got 2DC from a previous relationship, we live together, in my house, and both in our 40s.

Life isn’t easy as he’s self employed and takes a fairly big chunk of the child care (does school pick ups, sees them most days etc) and is rarely home before 8.30/9pm. It doesn’t leave much time for us.

Periodically he goes off the radar for a couple of days/weeks, ignoring everyone but the kids/their mother. He just gets overwhelmed and hides. He’s done it a few times and I’ve always tried to be understanding as I know how overwhelmed he is.

However, this time I’ve had enough. He prioritises work, his ex and kids (rightly so) and every other demand on his time over me. I can’t remember the last time he organised for us to go out and do anything. I feel like I’m carrying us, keeping everything going at home with little in return.

We don’t often fight but if we do he has a huff and throws in the towel. He’s been lying low for the past couple of weeks. He knows I’ll be angry with him when he comes back, so he avoids the confrontation when he’s f*ed up.

I finally just said ‘no’ to him.

He’s just called me asking if he can get some stuff from the house for work. I’ve just no, he has to wait until I’m there. I don’t care if this means letting a client down. He had all weekend. He said he’d come on Saturday. He didn’t.

I’m sick of being the kind one. I’m sick of being understanding. And I’m sick of being last.

I’m sitting at my desk in work and I just want to cry. I’m shaking from having said ‘no’. Finally.

He’s texting to say he’ll clear out his stuff tonight. I’ve told him he can collect it at my convenience, not his.

I’m so angry and hurt. Please help me stay strong. Despite it all, I love him. Letting him go will break my heart.

I thought of you when I woke up. I'm so pleased you've taken the day off. You'll feel better when those locks are changed. If you get all the jobs finished you'll feel you've reclaimed your home.

It's pointless to keep rehashing the past and analysing his behaviour. He's yesterday's man and your future is without him. You're doing absolutely brilliantly, you should be so proud of yourself.

@Bluelady thank you. It means a lot x

Look after yourself today Ginger.

You sound very strong

Just read the thread and I'm SO glad a locksmith is on their way. I'm SO angry for you that he can't in without your permission, especially rummaging around for the key. Has he taken clothes, left anything like dirty clothes?

I'd spend today getting the locks changed, then going out (and locking your nice new locks) to go and buy a nice big roll of black bin bags, and pack up his stuff in them.

What a lousy person he is. Being an ostrich not working out so well for him, is it?

Well done for putting up some boundaries of your own. I think it speaks volumes that he bashes his way through your boundaries yesterday without a second thought when he wanted something he’d left behind. It’s a shame you’d had to take steps to reclaim your space properly, but good that you’ve done it.

That’s good. Take care of yourself. Hope packing his stuff up doesn’t take too long.

Ironic that he has taken “space” as and when he wishes - relying on others’ hospitality - but didn’t respect your reasonable request not to enter your home when you were out.

You are all wise and have helped so far. I'm now wondering do I just turn up at house and dump his stuff when I know he's there potentially upsetting the children, call his ex and drop stuff off to her at work or wait til he surfaces when I don't want him in my house?

I wouldn’t call his ex. He is a bit of a man-child who has the two of you bending over backwards to accommodate him as it is. Don’t coddle him any further.

You could drop,it round to the family home at a time when the kids are at school. Or text and tell him you will leave his stuff bagged up outside at a mutually convenient time. If he doesn’t collect it at the agreed time it will stay on the path.

I'd bag it all up and put it all out on your front step, and tell him it's there for him to collect. And don't answer the door if he knocks.

Sounds like he'll prob go back to his ex tbh. Yr best off out of it. He sounds like mouse rather than a man. Who wants that? It's draining and unattractive. You'd have prob got bored eventually. He's no loss OP. He's the loser and as others have said a loser. You'll be better off long run. Good luck. Get strong.

Yeah just leave him a msg saying his stuff will be outside yr place from x time. Leave it there and go out. Job done.

Just read the thread ... you are AWESOME. You deserve a man who will fight to be with you. Re his stuff: put it in bin bags on the street outside and text him to let him know it's there and that he'd better come and get it before the foxes do 🚮

I would take his stuff and put it outside family home.
I'd not want him coming near my house again.
I'd do it during school time if you are worried about children.. Which I think is a reflection of what a nice person you are.
God only knows what his poor kids think, with daddy boomeranging in and out of the family home?
Honestly op, you are so well shot, you must have spent last two yrs walking on eggshells wondering when he was next going to disappear and worrying if you disagreed or argued he'd do a flounce.
I think in weeks to come you'll find a sense of relief outweighs the hurt

Don't involve his ex and kids, as others have said, just bag it up and leave it outside. If he's only 5 mins away he can come and get it. How much stuff are we talking?

Well done on getting the locks changed too. So bloody cheeky of him to just waltz in yesterday when you had asked him not to.

Give him a time to come and collect it.

I wouldn’t involve his ex or DC, unfair on them. Would bag it up, offer him a couple of reasonable timeslots to come and collect it, then if he refuses or doesn’t turn up notify him that you will put it outside your home for collection at his leisure.

First choice would be to bag it up (although you've said there's a lot of it) and deliver it elsewhere to avoid him ringing your bell or trying to talk to you. Or better yet, have someone else drop it off. If a third party dropped it at the ex's, it wouldn't be as apparent to the DC that it's his stuff.

Second choice would be to have him come by and get it with someone else in the house who will be your shadow. Preferably someone who would either intimidate him or challenge him if he tries to talk to you.

Third choice would be to absent myself and have that person in the house to monitor him. But unless that person knows your possessions really well, you could be risking ex taking things that are yours.

Depends how much stuff there is, if it’s easily transported, I’d be tempted to tell him you’ll be dropping it at XXX time that’s convenient for you, if no one is in then you’ll leave on the door step.

If it’s loads of stuff then leave outside, in back garden, shed etc and tell him it’ll be there from XXX time/date and if it’s not gone in 1 week you’ll arrange for it to be collected by a charity

Good for you Ginger,stay strong 💐

He texted a few of hours ago. Six times I asked him not to come round (locksmith was there and I was going to see my mum in hospital immediately after). He came anyway.

I got my keys and told him we'd have to make another arrangements for his stuff. He wasn't coming in. Told him his children deserve better and that he'd broken my heart.

I'm now sitting in Tesco car parking crying.

To be fair he's spent your whole relationship doing whatever he damn well pleases - he's not going to stop now especially as he's no longer getting anything out of you. Well done for staying strong, it's like ripping off a plaster, hurts like hell but much better in the long run. You deserve so much better.

Well done. It's one thing saying to him I a text that he's not getting his own way, it's a totally different thing doing it when confronted with his face. But you did it. Well done!! Get his stuff out ASAP though; you don't want this dragging on.

Oh Ginger, he really is a pisstaker. How dare he come round when you told him not to? You really are well rid. So sorry your mum's not well too, as if that stress weren't enough.

If you're going back to work tomorrow, I'd feel inclined to tell him his stuff is available for collection from outside your house at 11am on Saturday, if he doesn't come then presumably the neighbours will help themselves.

Stay strong. You're doing so well.

He's proving that you are well rid. He also obviously has no concept of boundaries! You will be ok op.