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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sitting at my desk in tears

194 replies

Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 15:12

Been with my DP for 2 years, he’s got 2DC from a previous relationship, we live together, in my house, and both in our 40s.

Life isn’t easy as he’s self employed and takes a fairly big chunk of the child care (does school pick ups, sees them most days etc) and is rarely home before 8.30/9pm. It doesn’t leave much time for us.

Periodically he goes off the radar for a couple of days/weeks, ignoring everyone but the kids/their mother. He just gets overwhelmed and hides. He’s done it a few times and I’ve always tried to be understanding as I know how overwhelmed he is.

However, this time I’ve had enough. He prioritises work, his ex and kids (rightly so) and every other demand on his time over me. I can’t remember the last time he organised for us to go out and do anything. I feel like I’m carrying us, keeping everything going at home with little in return.

We don’t often fight but if we do he has a huff and throws in the towel. He’s been lying low for the past couple of weeks. He knows I’ll be angry with him when he comes back, so he avoids the confrontation when he’s f*ed up.

I finally just said ‘no’ to him.

He’s just called me asking if he can get some stuff from the house for work. I’ve just no, he has to wait until I’m there. I don’t care if this means letting a client down. He had all weekend. He said he’d come on Saturday. He didn’t.

I’m sick of being the kind one. I’m sick of being understanding. And I’m sick of being last.

I’m sitting at my desk in work and I just want to cry. I’m shaking from having said ‘no’. Finally.

He’s texting to say he’ll clear out his stuff tonight. I’ve told him he can collect it at my convenience, not his.

I’m so angry and hurt. Please help me stay strong. Despite it all, I love him. Letting him go will break my heart.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 23/10/2018 15:14

He's a selfish dick Flowers

justilou1 · 23/10/2018 15:28

What a jerk! Is your mum ok? I hope you’ve done something nice for yourself as well today. (Glass of wine, special tea, piece of cake, etc....) Please know you have our utmost respect.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2018 15:33

What an arsehole!

Hope your Mum is doing OK. As said above, do something nice for yourself this evening. You are so well rid of that tosser!

Do not let him bamboozle you for his stuff. He can get it when it is convenient for YOU not him.

Flowers
cheesefield · 23/10/2018 15:35

Well done OP! How did he react?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/10/2018 15:36

You’re doing really well 🌷

Cry as much as you need to, it’s hard, it hurts and you’re allowed to be sad at the loss of what you’d hoped would be a good relationship - as long as you realise this IS the end. He isn’t, and never will be, the man for you (or pretty much any other self respecting woman).

You won’t take him back will you?!

Original poster
Ginger153 · 23/10/2018 15:45

He was ashamed. He knows this is it.

I told him we can make arrangements for his stuff when he brings me the money he owes me.

The turning up despite requests not to make me glad of new lock. I wouldn't have done that without encouragement. Thank you.

My friend is on her way with wine. I suspect we'll be packing his stuff.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2018 15:46

He owes you money. Wow. You are so much better off without him!!

Original poster
Ginger153 · 23/10/2018 15:50

@Mummyoflittledragon yes, not a life changing amount but enough. It just gets better and better! I told him he'd used me whether he realises it or not and to go and stand on his own two feet like an actual grown up.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 23/10/2018 15:50

Don't pack it too carefully, will you? So pleased your friend is coming tonight, you need all the support you can get now.

cheesefield · 23/10/2018 15:51

OMG yes most definitely hold onto his stuff if he owes you money!

How much does he owe you? You're well rid.

Lovemusic33 · 23/10/2018 15:55

I wouldn’t use the money he owes you as an excuse not to give him his stuff, even though it sucks that he owes you money you could in the long run get in trouble for not giving him his things (had the police on my back for doing the same). The best thing you can do is pack all of his things up, place them outside the front door and ask him to come and collect them, or you drop them off to a friend where he can collect them. You will probably not get the money back he owes you as you probably have no proof you gave it to him? Cut your losses, get his stuff packed and collected so you can move on, once he has collected his things block his number on your phone so he can’t hassle you.

Villagelifer · 23/10/2018 16:05

Well done you, you're doing all the right things.
The more you are apart the easier it will become to see what he really is. I found myself getting angry and upset just to read the things he's done.
Stay strong.

Gemini69 · 23/10/2018 16:12

Yay.. enjoy your wine and catch up with your friend Flowers Wine

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2018 16:21

Don't pack it too carefully, will you?

LOL. Good advice!

Enjoy your wine. Wine

Redshoeblueshoe · 23/10/2018 16:25

Well done 🍷

justilou1 · 23/10/2018 16:29

Sounds like he just isn’t the kind of guy who learns from past mistakes, OP.... I’m really pleased that you have!!! (I’m guessing his EW and all his EGFs have heard the same litany of excuses and stories where he’s the victim. I’m sorry you went through all that!)

subspace · 23/10/2018 19:06

Crikey, what a w@+&3r he is!

Could you flog some of his things to get the £ back? "No, haven't seen your ipad, you must have it in your car..."
(Obviously not an ipad as that's linked to goblins in the cloud and Haas personal data etc but you get my drift. Dremnel power drill, I don't know)

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2018 19:39

What a prick! But again, not surprised! So glad your home is now secure from intruders, because that's what he is!!!

I agree w/PP, throw his shit in a garbage bag(s), and don't be too careful. And I also agree with you that he needs to repay you what he owes you before he gets his stuff. This can be shakier grounds though, because legally you probably can't keep his stuff even if he owes you money. So just be aware in case he threatens you with the police (which considering him, wouldn't surprise me).

Shed your tears, you deserve to shed them. Then dry your lovely eyes and move forward. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!

Original poster
Ginger153 · 23/10/2018 20:36

Thanks all. Friends have just left and I have wine. My boss sent flowers and being reminded that I am loved and have good folk around me.

I won't hold him to it too strongly re cash but it's a card in hand for now x

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2018 20:55

Glad to hear your support network has kicked in.

Keep strong and keep your head held high.

cheesefield · 23/10/2018 21:09

You're doing awesome OP. What kind of wine is it?

cheesefield · 23/10/2018 21:10

And your boss sounds top. How many bosses would send flowers?! That's pretty amazing.

Original poster
Ginger153 · 23/10/2018 21:18

Thank you. It's red and delicious.

Not so long ago I would have shied away from asking for help but I've learned to embrace and I'm very lucky to have good people around me. You guys have helped enormously too. I am grateful x

OP posts:
justilou1 · 23/10/2018 21:19

So pleased you have smart people around who know your value! Please pay attention to them!!!

platesandflowers · 23/10/2018 21:26

I'm glad you're on a new path now op!