Sitting at my desk in tears

[Ginger153]

Been with my DP for 2 years, he’s got 2DC from a previous relationship, we live together, in my house, and both in our 40s.

Life isn’t easy as he’s self employed and takes a fairly big chunk of the child care (does school pick ups, sees them most days etc) and is rarely home before 8.30/9pm. It doesn’t leave much time for us.

Periodically he goes off the radar for a couple of days/weeks, ignoring everyone but the kids/their mother. He just gets overwhelmed and hides. He’s done it a few times and I’ve always tried to be understanding as I know how overwhelmed he is.

However, this time I’ve had enough. He prioritises work, his ex and kids (rightly so) and every other demand on his time over me. I can’t remember the last time he organised for us to go out and do anything. I feel like I’m carrying us, keeping everything going at home with little in return.

We don’t often fight but if we do he has a huff and throws in the towel. He’s been lying low for the past couple of weeks. He knows I’ll be angry with him when he comes back, so he avoids the confrontation when he’s f*ed up.

I finally just said ‘no’ to him.

He’s just called me asking if he can get some stuff from the house for work. I’ve just no, he has to wait until I’m there. I don’t care if this means letting a client down. He had all weekend. He said he’d come on Saturday. He didn’t.

I’m sick of being the kind one. I’m sick of being understanding. And I’m sick of being last.

I’m sitting at my desk in work and I just want to cry. I’m shaking from having said ‘no’. Finally.

He’s texting to say he’ll clear out his stuff tonight. I’ve told him he can collect it at my convenience, not his.

I’m so angry and hurt. Please help me stay strong. Despite it all, I love him. Letting him go will break my heart.

You told him you weren't happy with him coming in when you weren't there.

He did it anyway.

He doesn't believe you're serious about this. This is why you need to change the locks - it puts a physical boundary in place to counter the fact his has zero respect for the boundaries you have placed verbally. Because he's go zero respect for you, as his conduct proves.

Change the locks. I don’t mean to alarm you, but even if you get the keys back you don’t know if he’s had spares cut.

You definitely deserve better.

I'll call someone tomorrow. I can't face it tonight. I don't feel unsafe just betrayed.

You deserve better and change your locks.

Ginger, have you got a friend who can come and hold your hand tonight? It sounds as if you could really do with someone there for you.

So you say his ex doesn’t respect him, well she doesn’t respect you either. And neither does he respect you - it is disgusting that he let himself in. On the plus side you didn’t have to face him and can now get yourself mentally prepared for getting his stuff shipped out.

I'm in a group chat with friends now. They know him well and are hand holding for now. You guys are being brilliant at keeping things objective. It's appreciated. Thank you.

I had no idea how today would unravel x

In your position OP I’d be taking a few hours off work tomorrow morning and sorting a locksmith. This is your home and you can’t be wondering if he’s going to waltz in at any moment, either with, or without you being at home. Seems he’s happy to live without his belongings when he wants to so he can bloody well wait for them when it’s conven for you

❤️
You are being super brave. You sound like a lovely human who deserves to be treated so much better than last on someone's list.
You will get through this. xxx

What a prick! I tell ya, they're just full of surprises aren't they? (NOT)

I'm not surprised he let himself in, not one bit. It's their supreme ego-ism that can't think of anything other than what they want.

Just call the locksmith in the morning and in the meantime, send him an email or text telling him that you are aware that he let himself into YOUR home without your permission and that it better not happen again!

What a tosser. 0 respect for you or your boundaries, does he honestly think he can walk out and in when he feels like it.
This is definitely a man who is unable to cope with life and as you know those kind of men never change.
Putting his kids first, my arse. He is putting his own 'poor me' selfish wants first. Why else would he continue to walk in and out of his kids homelife like he does. Every time he comes back to your home he is leaving theirs, do him and his ex wife not fucking realise the kind of emotional damage that is doing to their chdren.
Op you are well rid of him and his abnormal shitty family situation.
Im so angry on your behalf.
Ive been there (kind of). I ended a relationship with a man who refused to leave my house. I had good reason to end it but he wouldnt go or get his stuff.
I know why, because he had no belief that i had ended it. He thought i was some silly little thing he could talk round. Its a horrible feeling......waiting for them to walk back in. And he will do that, when he thinks you have calmed down enough and missed him sufficiently to have your mind changed.
I would pack up the essential of his stuff. Clothes, toiletries, tools. Stuff you think he may need immediately and i would take them to his wifes. Leaving them by her door. No drama no big scene then ask for your keys, if not change the locks today. Then i would text him to advise that as he has blatantly disrespected you, your relationship and your home AGAIN. he has 2 weeks to arrange collection and removal of the rest of his belongings or you will arrange for them to be removed and disposed of. He needs to learn to show some bloody respect. No more Miss Nice Girl op.

I've been awake since 5am. It's fair to say I'm in no fit state to go to work and am no use to anyone. I'm going to call my boss and take the day off.

First job is calling a locksmith. Second, packing up what I can of his stuff.

I'm feeling betrayed and pretty stupid that I've let it come to this.

Thank you all for your kindness and perspective. My close friends know what's going on but it's hugely helpful to have somewhere to vent.

How bloody dare he just walk back in and help himself when you'd told him not to. You are well rid op.

Op you sound absolutely lovely and do not deserve any of this at all.
What a fool he is! And he will realise that in time I promise you.

Finances permitting, get all of the half done jobs around the house sorted ( get someone in if you can afford to ) as this is a fresh start for you. It's your home, your sanctuary where you feel safe and secure and definitely get the locks changed.

I've no doubt he thinks you will cave in, by changing the locks you are not only cementing this decision with yourself but also with him. You've given this relationship your all and there is nothing left of you to give.

I wish you all the luck in the world xx

Best wishes OP.

Hes already signed out hasn't he? You're well rid. It's a shame but you absolutely deserve more respect and attention than that. Stay strong and once he's gone change the locks. I don't think he'd try to get in or anything like that, but it's not necessarily that expensive to do so, unless you have a posh front door and it can re-establish your boundary psychologically, and 'mend your nest' a bit.

Ooo catching up... And you're already doing the locks. all the best OP x

I think he thinks he's just taking time to sort himself out. I feel very sad for him that he can't communicate or behave like a rational grown up.

I think he may well be shocked that I've finally put my foot down.

Changing the locks is the only way I can send clear message and draw the line for myself, I think. I need my house to be mine again.

I'm heartbroken but I can't live like this anymore. I've given him too much for too little in return.

This is day 1 of your new future OP. Head high. Take no more shit. Can’t believe he’s been staying 5 mins away but hasn’t contacted you. And that he ignored your request and walked over your boundaries to let himself into YOUR home. He only thinks of himself that’s clear.

If you are any good at DIY and don't have special locks you can just buy a new cylinder at b&q/Wickes/Screwfix and replace it for not much money.

I'm afraid I agree with others on the ex not being an ex. I'm on the other side of this story and my stbxh's mistress girlfriend would have said the same as you since he was always dropping everything to come over and she was very understanding about him "putting the kids first".... Except it wasn't the kids, it was me as we were reconciling and he was just keeping her going as a back up plan in case things didn't work out with me, [Hmm] obviously he now has neither back up plan.

So sorry op and

Well done. You will feel awful for a while but it will lift eventually and you'll feel so much better without him unsettling you constantly.

He needs to sort out formal arrangements for the children so he can move on from their mother and they can have some stability. Then he might be ready to think about a new relationship. Good luck x

Thanks @Bedraggledmumoftwo It doesn't really matter either way. We're done. I'm not the first girlfriend since they split and I know the ex doesn't want him back. They went through too much crap and it's a miracle they've managed to get back on speaking terms. Even if she did, it's of no consequence to me.

The important thing to me that someone highlighted, and I hadn't quite thought of that way, is that their boundaries are poor. They're still too enmeshed in each other's lives, no routine, no clear lines of who's doing what and when. If for them to sort now.

@slkk cross posting. Yes!

Locksmith on way. £79 worth spending. It's not one I can do myself, I did investigate.

It's odd. Feeling more in control already. I've been unsettled for weeks and you're all right, I need to do this.