Sitting at my desk in tears

[Ginger153]

Been with my DP for 2 years, he’s got 2DC from a previous relationship, we live together, in my house, and both in our 40s.

Life isn’t easy as he’s self employed and takes a fairly big chunk of the child care (does school pick ups, sees them most days etc) and is rarely home before 8.30/9pm. It doesn’t leave much time for us.

Periodically he goes off the radar for a couple of days/weeks, ignoring everyone but the kids/their mother. He just gets overwhelmed and hides. He’s done it a few times and I’ve always tried to be understanding as I know how overwhelmed he is.

However, this time I’ve had enough. He prioritises work, his ex and kids (rightly so) and every other demand on his time over me. I can’t remember the last time he organised for us to go out and do anything. I feel like I’m carrying us, keeping everything going at home with little in return.

We don’t often fight but if we do he has a huff and throws in the towel. He’s been lying low for the past couple of weeks. He knows I’ll be angry with him when he comes back, so he avoids the confrontation when he’s f*ed up.

I finally just said ‘no’ to him.

He’s just called me asking if he can get some stuff from the house for work. I’ve just no, he has to wait until I’m there. I don’t care if this means letting a client down. He had all weekend. He said he’d come on Saturday. He didn’t.

I’m sick of being the kind one. I’m sick of being understanding. And I’m sick of being last.

I’m sitting at my desk in work and I just want to cry. I’m shaking from having said ‘no’. Finally.

He’s texting to say he’ll clear out his stuff tonight. I’ve told him he can collect it at my convenience, not his.

I’m so angry and hurt. Please help me stay strong. Despite it all, I love him. Letting him go will break my heart.

Drink up and well done OP.

I'm sure you're a finer and more mature woman than I am, but I'd be amazon priming some itching powder and stink bombs. Not for planting in his belongings of course...

(Because obviously you can't destroy his shit, but what court of law is going to bollock you for planting itching powder in some twats stuff...not that he could prove you had of course if everything is returned intact 😉)

I may have loosened the lids of XHs toiletries and accidentally packed them upside down.

I may have done the same with some of the million jars of spices I didn't want and he never bloody used.

I may also have loosened or removed the odd screw here and there.

I didn't do what my mate did though. She removed the middle disc from every series of her stbx's precious box sets.

Oh Ginger it sounds like you're already well on the way to extricating yourself from the cockwomble and that you're surrounded by lovely, loving people. This is good!

Hope your mum is ok though and her hospital stay is short

Stay strong, OP. So much admiration for you.

Thank you all.

As much as chat if loosening lids me laugh, it's not my style. I bear him no bitterness and mostly just feel very sad. He's not a bad guy just a daft one who needs to sort his life out.

Unsurprisingly it just all feels surreal. I haven't been able to start packing his stuff.

Ps the spice lids really did make me laugh out loud!!

Me again.

I'm feeling awful. Unsurprisingly the the self hatred texts have started from him, That he's 'too far gone' to sort himself out, that he's a 'f**k up to the core' and so on.

I know logically that he's not my responsibility but i'm worried and scared for him. Head vs heart. Talk to me please, sense needed in spades....

Let me guess, his texts are all about him and his needs with little acknowledgment/remorse of what he’s done to you?

He wants you to feel worried and scared. He might well be collapsing into this state of mind because he wants to be rescued. But rescuing him is his job, not yours.

@Joysmum There's tonnes of remorse and recognition of the impact on me - apologies, 'you should hate me', 'I know you want m out of your life' etc.

@GladysKinight I know it's his job, I've told him that. Struggling with my own guilt though and genuinely worried for him.

He may well feel desperate but HE DID THIS. By ignoring your feelings. I daresay Joysmum is right about how much he's bothered about them now, too.

I'm afraid that all sounds very self pitying to me. Ashamed to say I recognise his behaviour because I have allowed myself to lay on the self pitying drama in much the same way. It was a fucked-up way to behave, manipulative and undignified and I feel dreadful for having messed with people's heads when I did it. They ended up avoiding me, and I don't blame them.

Don't let yourself get sucked in. It wouldn't help him anyway, it's not as if you would get back together with him after all.

Isn't the advice if someone threatens suicide to phone them an ambulance?

He is an unstable manhild cocklodger.

Dont respond to his messages at all. Unlessnitnis to ask, wothout emotion, when he will be giving you the owed money.

@GladysKnight - Me too. That's why I recognise it. It took me a lot of counselling to get myself together a number of years ago. I still cringe when I think how I treated an Ex when I was miserable.

I've never been on the receiving end of it before.

If you take him back you will just be enabling his behaviour, don't do it. You probably should ask him to stop messaging you tbh

I won't take him back. I'm already feeling better for having finished it. I've told everyone partly to help me stick to it. I've just reiterated to him that I can't go on. However, there's still practicalities to sort out.

He's stopped messaging for now. But between him and my poorly mother texting, I could happily jump on a plane and run away.

Aww ginger, so sorry about your Mum.

If he does any more of this, tell him he is only to contact you re strictly necessary practical things, and any more sh*t and you will be blocking him and requiring contact through a third party only.

So tough to be going through this. I do admire your clarity in dealing with it all so decisively

Thanks @GladsKnight posting here and getting others to challenge, confirm, shine a light on things is really helping. I love him and caving would be easy but I deserve better and he needs to go away and sort himself out on his own, I think.

I think you're absolutely right!

the self loathing woe is me pitiful texts he's sending would have normally induced you into responding with loving positive supporting replies reiterating how wonderful he is and how good a person he is and you love him... these are calculating manipulative messages designed to squeeze sympathy and forgiveness from you toward him... ultimately ending in you asking him to come home and assuring him you will look after him...

but now you can see them for exactly what they are... embarrassing

If he's able to go off-radar for a couple of weeks, he's either pretty self-sufficient or has other sources of support. It's up to him to use that now.

Thanks, I've always done my best not to let him off the hook and pander to this stuff. If he texts apologies or whatever, or threatens to come and collect his stuff, or that we're done or he's sorry or he's an idiot etc. I simply tell him I will talk to him in person and not by text. I've done my best not to rise to it, sit him down and had a sensible conversation about what's happened. The problem is that he agrees with me and then goes and does exactly the same thing again anyway!

He's sounding more brutal on himself today though and it's scaring me a bit

@Miscible good point. I hadn't thought about it like that.