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Original poster

Sitting at my desk in tears

194 replies

Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 15:12

Been with my DP for 2 years, he’s got 2DC from a previous relationship, we live together, in my house, and both in our 40s.

Life isn’t easy as he’s self employed and takes a fairly big chunk of the child care (does school pick ups, sees them most days etc) and is rarely home before 8.30/9pm. It doesn’t leave much time for us.

Periodically he goes off the radar for a couple of days/weeks, ignoring everyone but the kids/their mother. He just gets overwhelmed and hides. He’s done it a few times and I’ve always tried to be understanding as I know how overwhelmed he is.

However, this time I’ve had enough. He prioritises work, his ex and kids (rightly so) and every other demand on his time over me. I can’t remember the last time he organised for us to go out and do anything. I feel like I’m carrying us, keeping everything going at home with little in return.

We don’t often fight but if we do he has a huff and throws in the towel. He’s been lying low for the past couple of weeks. He knows I’ll be angry with him when he comes back, so he avoids the confrontation when he’s f*ed up.

I finally just said ‘no’ to him.

He’s just called me asking if he can get some stuff from the house for work. I’ve just no, he has to wait until I’m there. I don’t care if this means letting a client down. He had all weekend. He said he’d come on Saturday. He didn’t.

I’m sick of being the kind one. I’m sick of being understanding. And I’m sick of being last.

I’m sitting at my desk in work and I just want to cry. I’m shaking from having said ‘no’. Finally.

He’s texting to say he’ll clear out his stuff tonight. I’ve told him he can collect it at my convenience, not his.

I’m so angry and hurt. Please help me stay strong. Despite it all, I love him. Letting him go will break my heart.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 22/10/2018 16:07

Not letting him collect his stuff was mean

He's managed these past few weeks without his stuff ... Hmm

0lga · 22/10/2018 16:07

Didn’t you read the thread ? She IS going to let him collect his stuff at a time that suits her. It’s her home, not a free left luggage service.

theredjellybean · 22/10/2018 16:08

Omgoodness... He is not a nice person, he officially lives in your house but bogs off for a few weeks at a time leaving you dangling.
Does he let you know where he is? I'd be firstly worried sick then..
I'd be furious... I fact op.. Get furious... How dare he treat your home as a bloody hotel.
And you as something nice to have when he feels like it... No consideration for you at all.
This is not being overwhelmed and guilty its being a selfish entitled cock lodging twat.

Original poster
Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 16:12

Thank you all.

@Loonoon @Jaxhog To say 'he often stays with me'/is an 'occasional visitor' I don't think is fair. I know I sound defensive (and I probably am) but he gave up his rented flat and moved into to mine. His clothes, his photos, furniture...

He hasn't done this for six months, but the last time it happened I told him it couldn't happen again.

I do agree that yes, he has a lot of issues. When he does his disappearing act he stays with his family or in the kids' house. I do hear from him but he is hiding from the world. He has absolutely nothing with him other than his work bag and whatever's kicking around in his car.

OP posts:
BlancheM · 22/10/2018 16:13

You are so right in putting your foot down and having things on your terms now. I'm impressed by your strength. You know you're worth more and soon you'll believe it Thanks

mytieisascarf · 22/10/2018 16:16

When he does his disappearing act he stays with his family or in the kids' house. I do hear from him but he is hiding from the world. He has absolutely nothing with him other than his work bag and whatever's kicking around in his car.

Op - I'm so sorry but now that it is clear the relationship has run it's course you should be realistic about what has been happening. The kids don't live in a house all by themselves do they - he is staying with his ex-wife. You deserve so much better than this.

HellonHeels · 22/10/2018 16:18

Good call OP.

He stays with his ex-wife when he does this disappearing act? Are they still half-together maybe? Totally unfair of him and he was warned the last time he did it. Stay strong and keep him dumped.

ohfourfoxache · 22/10/2018 16:18

He sounds incredibly cruel.

Stay strong, you deserve better than him

Original poster
Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 16:18

@Northernparent68 I expect the kids to come first, every time and it's always made me happy me that he was doing the right thing by them. However, there's no formal arrangements in place so he's on call for every pint of milk that needs to be bought. All I want is little time for us. I'm the one that organises any nights out we have or time together. I continually agree to go things saying if I don't know if he'll manage but i'll be there. I'm sick of making excuses for him.

My house is full of half complete jobs, as he's so busy running after everyone else.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 22/10/2018 16:18

Xpost mytie

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2018 16:18

You've done the right thing. And you're also right to say that his coming will be at your convenience, not his. That being said, the sooner he gets his shit gone, the better for you emotionally. Even when we know it's the right thing it's not helpful to walk around one's home and see 'him' (his shit) there.

Does he have a key to the home? If he does, I suggest you get your locks changed. You may think he'd never just walk in on you or sneak in when you aren't there, but not only do break ups cause people to do things they'd never otherwise do but friends often egg them on to do them.

I'd also suggest that you either have someone with you when he does come (to avoid any unpleasantness) or you take it upon yourself to pack up his shit and send it to him if that's realistic.

Gemini69 · 22/10/2018 16:20

When he does his disappearing act he stays with his family or in the kids' house

you mean he moves back home to his EX? Hmm

no this wouldn't be for me OP.. you're doing the right thing lovely

Original poster
Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 16:22

The ex feels sorry for him, she's told me this. There's absolutely no way she'd go anywhere near him! I have absolutely no doubts on that one. He's not running back to her. He's running to the house that was his home for so long and he has nowhere else to go.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 22/10/2018 16:25

she may well not be interested but it's not about him going back to his ex as such.. it's not having a clean break from his previous relationship.. it's the blurred lines ...she has his full undivided attention 24/7.. it's not healthy OP.. Flowers

Original poster
Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 16:26

@AcrossthePond55 I'll get my keys back and changing the locks sounds wise. I'll let someone know when he's coming but there's too much for me to pack alone

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 22/10/2018 16:26

I hope you find something positive for you in ending this OP.. you really sound lovely.. Flowers

Original poster
Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 16:27

@Gemini69 100% agreed.

OP posts:
ladydickisathingapparently · 22/10/2018 16:27

You deserve better Flowers

itswinetime · 22/10/2018 16:31

he has 2.5 weeks to get in contact and arrange to collect things he might need and also let you know what is going on in his head. communicate as 2 people in a relationship need to. however he didn't he ran and hid and avoided you until he had no choice. Absolutely right to stand firm and get rid. if you can keep him out of the house until you are there then do. But if he has a key I'm not sure how feasible that is. Also think hard do you want to see him? Are you ready to face him its fine not to I'm sure you have a friend or someone who can let him in and sort his stuff without you needing to be there. This isn't about him its about you and what you need.

DancingForTheDog · 22/10/2018 16:31

Oh lovely, you deserve so much more than this part-time pillock and his disappearing act. He doesn't stay at the kids' house, he stays with his ex, playing happy families. You also said whenever you tried to address any issues his response would be to throw the towel in - his heart really isn't in this relationship. He has been using you and, from his reaction, doesn't seem too bothered that you have ended it. You sound so lovely; there is someone out there for you, if that's what you want, who will offer you commitment you want and treat you with the respect you deserve Flowers

Bluelady · 22/10/2018 16:32

OP, you've done absolutely the right thing. You're a very strong and courageous woman to do what you've done.

A word of advice from someone who's been there, make him take ALL his stuff and make it clear that the end means just that, you don't wany any more contact at all. It's done, finito, over. Can you tell I was messed about for months on end once?

Good luck. I hope you meet a decent man soon. 💐

AnyFucker · 22/10/2018 16:32

He does have "somewhere else to go" though, doesn't he ?

Your place. Where all of his and none of your needs are met. And still it isn't good enough for him.

He is still in a relationship (whatever form that takes...and I have my suspicions) with his ex and you are collateral damage.

YearOfYouRemember · 22/10/2018 16:33

I am sorry Ginger but you sound strong and you'll be okay.

Does he know it's over ?

Volant · 22/10/2018 16:36

Put all of his stuff in bin bags and line it up by the door, so that when he collects it will take minimal time.

Original poster
Ginger153 · 22/10/2018 16:39

He always comes back and tries to make it up to me. He apologises, he says all the right things. It's not enough.

He's been texting during that time but this time I've just kept him at arms length. I'm normally the one who lets him know it's ok and the door's still open to him but I've had enough, It's too little too late.

You lot are all lovely and exactly what I need to hear. Thank you.

OP posts: