Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

He threw chocolate cake at me?

518 replies

Willow789 · 20/10/2018 18:50

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/10/2018 18:53

That's horrible. He's had a lovely day out doing things for himself and has left you looking after the baby, then throws your cake at you and calls you names! Bastard. Do not apologise for this - you've done nothing wrong.

Mookie81 · 20/10/2018 18:59

You're being ridiculous. He kept in contact with you.
I'd have thrown the cake aswell.

Amanduh · 20/10/2018 18:59

He didn’t have a lovely day out doing things for himself though... He shouldn’t have thrown the cake at you no way. You said you wanted help but he had taken ds out, can’t see the problem there?? You had a go at him for being an hour late but you knew it was because of the traffic so I don’t get that either. You were having a go for no reason he had explained how bad the traffic was and was getting you cake so why did you kick off? It doesn’t excuse the behaviour however. It seems like you’re having a rough time - 4 month stage is hard. Go easy on each other.

Amanduh · 20/10/2018 19:00

Oh and did he just fling the cake at you and storm off? Or like literally throw it in your face...? I probably would have done the first to my husband if he’d gone at me like that when I came in tbh

yawning801 · 20/10/2018 19:01

I'd have thrown the cake aswell.

That's just akin to a little toddler throwing their toys out of the pram. How childish can you be? Are you twelve?! And how are you excusing this behaviour? I'm actually incredulous.

RhiWrites · 20/10/2018 19:02

Clearly you’re both stressed but it’s not okay for him to swear at you and throw things, even soft things like cake.

Going forward you need a proper talk about how you handle stress and he needs to realise that he just can’t be aggressive like this in the face of frustration. That’s scary.

DonnaDarko · 20/10/2018 19:02

I'm inclined to agree with him.

Sorry.

Sisgal · 20/10/2018 19:03

Yes you are being unreasonable

GreenLantern53 · 20/10/2018 19:04

you do sound like you were being annoying but i dont condone the throwing or swearing

Original poster
Willow789 · 20/10/2018 19:06

@Amanduh he took DS to his football lesson. DD poorly else I would normally go, leaving DH at home and taking DD with me. I was just hoping he would be back a little sooner as he knew how knackered I was and how shit I've been feeling.

Chocolate cake was literally chucked in my face. Not in my general direction, in my face.

OP posts:
Babyg1995 · 20/10/2018 19:06

Yabu I would have done the same TBH.

Cheekylittlenumber · 20/10/2018 19:07

Sleep deprivation and hormones can magnify things, but if he threw the cake at you that’s out of order. Or did he just throw the cake in general frustration, but not in your direction?

My youngest is just over a year and we have a 4 year old too so I completely sympathise. Why don’t you both talk it through together. If this is the first time he’s had this kind of outburst then I would never say LTB, he’s probably frustrated and upset that he tried to do something nice by bringing the cake back, kept you in the loop with his ETA and cake home and you were upset (which is not your fault either, it’s a symptom of this being a really hard time in your life right now, and it’s ok to be a bit unreasonable from time to time when you’re sleep deprived and stressed. Take care x

Original poster
Willow789 · 20/10/2018 19:07

I will admit I was being unreasonable about him being later than expected. I think PND is rearing it's ugly head again like it did with DS when he was about DD's age. Just wasn't expecting the name calling/chocolate cake throwing.

OP posts:
Solenti · 20/10/2018 19:08

When he "flung the cake" do you mean he threw it on you/in your face, or he tossed it on your lap in a box/bag and stormed out?
Honestly- I do you think you were over dramatic. He contacted you, kept you up to date about when he would be back and was later because he picked you up cake and the traffic was bad. You are BOTH entitled to have time out and he wasn't out getting pissed, he was having a coffee with his mum after dropping DS at a friends. I would be arsey if you were crying and telling me off for being late in these circumstances. He shouldn't throw things though.
I know it can seem a bloody long day with a small baby Flowers

Cheekylittlenumber · 20/10/2018 19:08

Just saw your update about the cake being chucked in your face. That is NOT ON at all. I’d be having serious words. It’s ok to be frustrated, we’re all human. It’s not ok to be assaulted like that.

Original poster
Willow789 · 20/10/2018 19:08

@Cheekylittlenumber thank you. I do feel like a right dick now I had a go at him about it especially since he bought the cake back. I just didn't like the name calling. And the cake was thrown in my face not in my general direction x

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 20/10/2018 19:08

I would have gone down the passive aggressive eating of your cake TBH but yes YWBU I think.

Lifeisabeach09 · 20/10/2018 19:08

You were unreasonable.
However, he should not have thrown the cake at you and, certainly, not have called you a 'stupid bitch.'
Personally, I'd take that cake and shove it in his face, just for that.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/10/2018 19:09

You were unreasonable to have a go at him for being stuck in traffic, yes. But that's absolutely no excuse for throwing food in your face and calling you a "bitch". That's disgusting behaviour.

Runnynosehunny · 20/10/2018 19:11

He shouldn't have thrown the cake but you behaved badly. He kept in contact and was buying you a treat or he might have been back earlier.
Throwing the cake and swearing was bad though so he shouldn't have done that.

theworldistoosmall · 20/10/2018 19:11

He kept in contact with you. Nothing he could do about traffic, which you acknowledge that it gets bad on match day.

40plus2 · 20/10/2018 19:12

Someone throwing something at you is abusive. It's threatening, im assuming he's physically larger than you.

Also name-calling like stupid bitch is not ok in my relationship. You were overreacting and hormonal: it was totally fair enough for him to say 'loook, the traffic wasn't my fault, you're overreacting'. Nothing justifies violence, which IMO is what throwing something at something's face is.

CheeseWithCheeseOnTheSide · 20/10/2018 19:14

Throwing things at you and name calling is not acceptable, regardless of context.

Gemini69 · 20/10/2018 19:15

I don't know what you expected him to do stuck in traffic and being delayed even longer by stopping to get Your Cake Hmm

and he told you continuously where was was traffic wise....

sorry but I also think you've been very unreasonable..

Cheby · 20/10/2018 19:15

I think throwing thing, especially directly at someone’s face, in anger, is a red flag for potential future violence in the relationship. It’s a line crossed. It’ll be easier for him to cross others now.