He threw chocolate cake at me?

[Willow789]

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

@asbofrigginlootly

Not sure why you say that. My dd was ebf until 13 months. She had her gaviscon from a bottle (powder mixed with water) and then would latch on with no issues.

If necessary can use a syringe. I did find it meant dd got used to a bottle so I could then express on occasions and be confident she would be ok with the bottle if needed

I know all babies aren't the same but no point in writing it off straight away. It's trial and error after all

That’s good sounds like cows milk protein allergy not likely making the reflux worse. Probably just a physical immaturity of the sphincter muscles. Which is good news as it should get better when your Dd starts sitting up more

happy oh that’s good for your baby (that sounds sarcastic I don’t mean to!)... I absolutely couldn’t get it into my DD in any useful quantity for it to have any affect.

@Absofrigginlootly I'll let you know what happens. Thanks so much for all your advice!

No probs. Be there got ge T shirt twice. First time was hell on Earth and almost finshed me off (you can look up my old threads from 2014!). DD didn’t get diagnosed until 8 weeks old and I was on my knees by then.

Second time around I recognised the symptoms straight away when it developed at around 2 weeks old. Basically sat in GP surgery and refused to move until they prescribed something. Ranitidine didn’t work so DS is now on 15mg omeprazole but it’s basically taken his pain away and he cries what I imagine a normal baby amount of crying is....

Good luck!!

He works 5 days a week.

You work / are on call 7 days a week, every week, 24 hours a day.

Looking after a poorly, non-sleeping baby while also trying to do all the running around for an older child is work, even if you don't get paid for it.

Of course it's reasonable that you should split childcare and household tasks in the times when you're both home.

Hi Willow789 hopefully you’re trying to get some sleep now but glad to see your update that he’s at least apologetic and is saying the right things - let’s hope he’s not all talk.

As an aside have you tried a sling/carrier for during the day? If it is reflux it’ll help keep her upright so no stomach acids coming back up and she’ll hopefully be comforted being close to you (and DH - he can do this too) plus you’ll have free hands to do chores/tend to your DS/and most importantly eat! I can definitely vouch that it’s a godsend for the latter 😋🍫🥪

OP check the symptoms for food intolerances.

Op, I have a 3yo and a 4mo who is a terrible sleeper. My dh works full time. Going through your list:

When he gets home from work: putting DS to bed, clearing up after dinner, doing at least one night feed for DD when she has got the hang of the bottle. My dh does all this, sometimes cooks dinner depending on when he’s home. I would add that bathing and putting ds to bed is no picnic. Bottle bit doesn’t happen but I have a shower and put cream on my skin (for a condition) every night and he walks baby around then, plus will take him in the night if I ask. If it ever gets to 3am and I haven’t been to bed, I ask. He also gets ds up and takes him to nursery once a week.

Weekends: laundry, hoover, bathrooms, he takes DS to football with DD on a Saturday, takes it in turns with me getting up with DD of a night, prepares DS's food and sits with him whilst he eats.. roughly similar. My dh does less at nights still but my baby does sleep in the mornings so he has ds all weekend mornings while I sleep. We have a cleaner, before this he was cleaning the bathrooms weekend and hoovering, I had just started getting more washing and hoovering done during the week when we got one. He would often hang the washing out after work. If your dh does a whole shitty night he might get to do less housework, you probably have to expect him to be useless to start with once he does a night. God knows I’d happily hoover and blitz the bathrooms If I could get 6 hours sleep!

At the moment I do all of that stuff. Is this fair? Or is this too much considering he usually works 5 days a week? yes, sounds pretty fair. Obviously you work towards doing more if things improve. My dh doesn’t do masses overnight but doesn’t get to bed till 11 and gets up at 5, and does all toddler wake ups so doesn’t have huge amounts of sleep himself. He will if I ask which is the critical thing, plus my 3 mornings a week I get some sleep (only works if your baby sleeps, mine actually does sleep a bit between 4 and 10am)

Good luck with discussions and decision on the pregnancy. I’m so glad he apologised, I couldn’t have reengaged with him without an apology.

The tasks you are proposing would be the minimum. Included in all the food related tasks should be the meal planning, the grocery ordering, the putting away, the cooking and the clearing up afterwards, all to be done without you whisking the older DC away to give daddy a chance to get stuff done. If you have to do things with a DC wrapped around your leg then so does he. You need to physically and mentally rest.

You have described the work that takes up his days right now - sorry if I have this wrong, but he will be taking a call or two in his shed, and signing off reports.

Max three to four hours daily if he put his mind to it, apparently, and you are worried that you, who have not had a full night's sleep for four months and are currently pg, are asking too much of him?

Give him a list to accomplish during his week of working from home. Take to your bed and make sure you include in your list the making of breakfast, lunch and dinner for you and the family. Make an appointment for your DD to go to the GP wrt possible reflux, and for yourself to get a manicure and pedicure. Swan off and leave him to deal with everything.

And OMG, the office is a mancave.
Meanwhile you can't get a decent sleep in on a weekend...

You need a guaranteed 3 hours sleep each night. When mine were tiny I went to bed at 9pm and DH was on duty till 12 even if they roared during those 3 hours (he was downstairs). At 12 he’d go to bed and I’d take over. At 4 months the baby absolutely can do without food for 3 hours. Your needs count too. Very occasionally DH had a really crap 3 hours but usually it was no problem, they’d nap on his chest while he online gamed!

Your list is frankly the minimum I would expect from a partner.

I would also add: if DS is sick in the night, DH deals with it.

And I would add: my DD is 9 weeks old, and we alternate nights with DP - who is also working.

Willow if you have the energy, sit down when you are at your mums and make a list of all the tasks which need done in your house and when you do them.
When your DH is at work, you need to look after baby and your three year old. So write down separately everything that needs to be done for them. That is what you are doing when DH is out at work, including trying to solve the colic problems and get some rest yourself.

Once you have done that list, show it to your DH and tell him in the short term he needs to do it when he is not working this week, given the sleep, pregnancy issues and PND risk. You can review the list weekly, when you recover, but he should still do his fair share. Don’t let it slip back to you being the work horse when this crisis is over.

Longer term, make sure he is doing actual chores, not taking the children out so that you can do them. Taking the children out is fun.

But mostly, he needs to get the point that the domestic load is also his responsibility, that it will encroach on his leisure time (when did you last have any of that?), but if he steps up, you will have a far happier family. Domestic work is shit, but if two people do it, then it is easier, more companionable and there is more leisure time all around. But that is longer term, right now, you need rest.

Longer term, make sure he is doing actual chores, not taking the children out so that you can do them.

^^this^^^

Also look out for 'cherry pick sharing', where he decides that he will always do (for example) the Saturday morning football so you 'have time' to clean the bathroom, kitchen and dining some washing.

*do some washing

Longer term, make sure he is doing actual chores, not taking the children out so that you can do them.

That's true as the kids get older, but I remember when they were babies being desperate to do any job except childcare.

I also think there's a danger when children are tiny that the woman does all the child-related chores and the man takes over the rest. That sets that tone for the children always being her responsibility.

@willow hope you got some rest and that GP appt goes well💐

Does your MIL know he threw cake in your face?

Another suprised he did that to his pregnant wife. I think it's extremely important to set down what's acceptable and what you won't tolerant.

Is also make it 100% clear that if he shows an act of violence towards you in the future...including throwing food or a drink... that you'll be done. He has to know this is a dealbreaker for you.

Just reading through this and I'm pleased he is taking some positive steps towards pulling his weight more.
I hope it goes OK with the GP today and you get some help and answers.
You are doing amazingly well.
Keep going and I hope he does step up!
And big hugs to your mum and dad for helping you so much.

Willow your list of what you expect sounds a really good starting point!!
I really hope that tour DH will be on board with it.

One thing I woud look at is
What can your DH do that would help YOU?
As in, is that list a lost of what you think your DH should be able to do or is it what is going to make the most difference to you? Hope it makes sense!

I hope that the visit to your GP is helpful. And YY to look at reflux too for your baby.

I do understand why people are saying to make lists but beware of doing that.

You are not parenting a teenager who you are asking to help out around the house.

You should be married to an equal who shouldn’t need a list in order to run a hoover around.

List making and organising is a draining activity in itself. Ask any parent who is trying to teach their older kids how to be responsible. There’s a reason he doesn’t have to do it for you.

Personally I stayed away from lists and clear division of responsibility and went with telling OH I expected him to be an adult and open his damn eyes. See dirt? CLEAN IT.

Yes I once read something it is not 50/50 in a relationship, its 100% effort from each according to what they can do.

Hi everyone,

Just back from GP now. Have been prescribed 200mg of sertraline for PND. A bit devastated that I've been prescribed anti depressants again like I was after I had DS, feeling like a bit of a failure.

DD has also been prescribed with omeprozole as doctor agrees with silent reflux. I hope it helps.

Have got home and entire house has been cleaned, lunch cooked, etc etc. He has a work call at 2 but after that he is free and he wants to talk about everything and says he wants to help out more. I get the impression my MIL has given him a good telling off.

I hope this lasts, but we will see.

A bit devastated that I've been prescribed anti depressants again like I was after I had DS, feeling like a bit of a failure
Oh bless you. Please don't feel like that.
You need some help right now and this medication can do just that.
YOU haven't failed at anything.
You have reached out and now things can improve and you can move forward.
Hundreds and thousands of women suffer from PND and need a bit a help. Take all the help and support you can until you are through this.

Positive steps already from your DH.
Hopefully the talk later will go well and you can work together to get things back on track.
Well done again OP!