He threw chocolate cake at me?

[Willow789]

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

@Nanny0gg about 3 months. I'm not even sure if some of the time she is feeding - just suckling for comfort. It's the only thing that stops her screaming.

This thread is shocking! OP we’ve all been there; hormonal/tired/sleep deprived. It’s shit and yes you had a little tantrum but his reaction was unjustified! Throwing something at you is never ok. It’s spiteful and nasty and intimidating. I hope your DM looks after you and gives you the to sleep and recharge your batteries. I hope your DH realises he was unreasonably horrid and apologises profusely. The early days are hard, especially when your BF and there’s no let up. It gets easier.

I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time. I had an hourly feeder too and it nearly killed me. It turned out his latch wasn't as good as it could be, so he wasn't feeding properly, just frequently (he was also getting way too much foremilk and as a result he got colic). I hope you get some kindness and rest at your mum's and you can gather your thoughts about how you go on from here.

And please, don't ever think that what he did was okay, or that you deserved it, or he only did it because you pushed him into it. He probably did it so he could strop off out of the house and have more time to himself, without having to feel guilty about it.

I do think this needs to be addressed in a much wider sense and that you need much more help and support than you have been getting.

I'm appalled by some of the comments on here.

OP's DH feels he deserves coffee breaks, even when he's still there well past the time he promised to be home. Does OP get breaks? Not by the sound of it!

IT sounds like OP is past breaking point: no sleep, an exclusively breasfed, needy baby, little and a DH who feels he deserves breaks from it all. And OP also noted that normally she takes DS to football and brings the baby with her to do it ... meaning DH gets Saturday mornings to himself, too, probably after a good night's sleep while she deals with a non sleeping baby.

And now he's going to get a quiet house to himself for the night because he's driven OP out of it by throwing something at her and calling her names for being upset and depressed, knowing her history of PPD.

Fantastic.

I'm sorry, OP. You need more help and you deserve better.

I really feel like AIBU should have a banner warning posters that trolls and stirrers and miseries will be waiting to jump on them when they post. This part of the forum makes me feel queasy nearly every time I read it.

OP, I hope that you both get some sleep and some support and get through this and that one day you can remember the day you were both at the end of your tether, over-reacting, and he ended up throwing the chocolate cake.

I was thinking that too beware .

@BewareOfDragons god when you put it like that it sounds so bloody awful. How the fuck is this my life.

When DD was born I was so happy and optimistic, DS is lovely and DH normally is so supportive. Now it just all seems to have gone down the toilet. This has completely pushed me over the edge. I feel absolutely useless.

You aren't useless, not at all. You have a lot to deal with, you are exhausted and your baby is sick. You will find a way through this, but you need a break to recover your strength.

@lesleythelezzer Going around threads being goady on a Saturday evening eh? How cool are you? Can I join your gang?

I would find someone throwing anything at me to be abusive and a hostile act. I would find someone calling me a 'bitch' the same. It doesn't matter if you cried, were a bit upset, even were irrational about the time (which you weren't, you are stuck in, he was out having a more than leisurely coffee). Nothing justifies things being thrown AT you.

OP you will get through, this sounds really stressful- reach out to your HV, your family, get some support as it is a hard old time with a small baby.

Glad you are seeing your GP soon. Are you getting medical advice re your DD's sleeping pattern and her screaming?
Good that DM and MiL come over so that you can sometimes rest during the day.
You mention 'other problems' - no need to say what they are - but are they making both you and your partner stressed and irritable? If so that could be behind what happened.
Wishing you and your family better things, very soon.

I’m with the OP. Her DH was crap.
He basically used the excuse that there wa a lot if traffic to leave much later than planned (he was still at the caffe at the time he was supposed to be back home)
So basically spend the whole afternoon there after having spent an hour watching his ds playing football. I mean how hard work that was???

On the other side, the OP was at home with a baby that was ill, on her own AGAIN (like any other day in the week). She is exhausted and needs support.
Since when is it unacceptable and demanding to ask for or expect support from your PARTNER and the FATHER of your dcs??? But somehow the OP shouod find support from her mum, siblings or fiends, aka a WOMAN because a MAN cannot be expected to actually give any Support?

OP please remember that regardless of whether you have a part to play, are unreasonable or whatever, calling you names is NEVER ACCEPTABLE.
please also remembervthat throwing stuff at you, even if it’s a cake, is also NEVER ACCEPTABLE.

I’m amazed that some posters seem to think that it is because you were upset and crying....

Your mum will look after you... but I'd leave your DS with him for now. One child is enough fir you to deal with at the moment.

He owes you a big apology. I can't believe posters justifying his violence...that's what it is.

What has happened to MN lately?

I don't know - I feel it is getting increasingly infiltrated by misogynistic halfwits.

OP - it is totally unacceptable for this horrible man to throw things at you (and for all those going fnarfnar fnar -what a waste of good cake - why don't you bloody grow up - would it be a waste of a good plate if he'd thrown that at her?)

Cake generally comes in boxes, which are sharp and could inflict damage - but regardless of what it was, if you throw things at people you have anger problems and are aggressive and out of control.
Add in the name calling and I am astounded at the people defending this shit.

Op -I'm glad MN mentioned the PND, and pleased you are going to GP on Monday. If youve had it before than your H should be aware that you may be struggling with being left with a sick baby.
Do the people who think this is OK think it is fine to throw stuff at women who are unwell ?

This whole thing makes me sick - the 'I'd throw something at you too etc etc,' what the fuck planet are some of your people on?. This place disgusts me sometimes.

Would you be able to go and stay with your Mum for a bit OP - to give you a bit of a break, away from your H and with someone who would give you a hand with the baby so you don't feel so overwhelmed.

Oh my dear, go to your mums and get some rest.
I don’t actually think you were over-reacting, I read the first texts as if he had already left, then it appeared he was still getting cake and then stuck in traffic! If you are sleep-deprived and taking care of a baby who does not sleep (been there), then you are stressed and need support.
Instead of making you a cup of tea and saying sorry he was back late, he has escalated the situation by being violent and lashing out at you. Not kind.
I hope you get some rest

You're not useless. This is one afternoon of your life. You're stressed, you're sleep deprived, you're tired. Both of you are. It's a horrible episode and you probably feel pretty sick. Bet he does too.

You'll come back from this. It's not your whole life, it's a little sliver of it. Truly, it isn't the end of the world, even though it feels that way now. 💐

He was totally out of order. Totally.

Also can I ask why ‘you shouldn’t have thrown your toys out of the pram’ But somehow it’s ok for him to throw stuff literally in your face and call you names?
That it’s somehow ok that he has driven you away for your own home to get the support you need (and because he made You feel utterly crap) because he, despite been YOUR PARTNER, can’t be bothered to do so.
Because from the little you have posted, he never supports you. He doesn’t take his son to football on a saturday am. He expects to be able to have the whole Saturday for himself (an hour watching your child playing is a very small part of the day between what 9.30am and 5.30pm when he finally came back?). And then blows up because you made it clear that he wasn’t there when you really needed support.

Fwiw if he was before a nice guy and wouldn’t have normally behaved like this (eg when you had your ds) then I wouod want to know what has changed....

So glad you can go to your mum willow. His aggression towards you is so worrying. Focus on getting some sleep and feeling stronger. Be good to yourself.

He needs to get some help for his problems. Do not let him minimise this. But get some rest yourself first.

Awh Willow you're in the trenches right now, things will get easier some practical solutions that may be good for thought:

Have you considered seeing a lactation consultant? I know it might be a bit expensive but if there are any feeding issues keeping your DD from sleeping then it might be priceless?

I know your DD is EBF so if formula isn't an option could you express? I pumped with DD2 and gave her a bottle of breastmilk for the night time feed, she took more in this way and was more alert throughout the feed (as it wasn't as cozy!) so she didn't fall asleep too soon.

Have you tried a dummy? Probably be a little late to introduce it at this stage but could be worth a try if she's just feeding for comfort?

Other than that maybe a sleep consultant? Sounds daft I know but a friend of mine paid for a woman to come to her house because, like you, she was at breaking point with her DS not sleeping for more than an hour at a time. Anyway it didn't cost much at all really and dramatically helped his sleep (and my friends mental health).

There are great websites that explain all you need to know about infant sleep patterns if you google (I'm sure you have but just Incase ).

There's a big sleep regression at 4 months so she might come through the other side in a few weeks and start settling better at night? I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Take care x

Food* for thought!

I see where you are coming from op. He said he'd be back by 5.15, then 5.30, then rings at 5.30 to say he's only just getting cake and leaving then. After having a lovely child free afternoon chatting with his mum. After normally having Saturdays to himself.

He's a pisstaker and bang out of order for swearing at you and throwing cake in your face.

How long until it's a push, then a slap, then a punch? I'd leave him until he sees the seriousness of what he's done. And his selfishness.

@lesleythelezzer The AS function has indicated to me that you genuinely need some help. And because we're a supportive bunch on here I'm going to be the one to help you. Walk into your bathroom. Stand in front of your mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Admit that your life is sad and needy. Go out & do something about it - friends, hobbies...anything. Just not being a twunt on a Saturday night, eh?