Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

I feel sorry for his wife.

You need to end this, it's wrong on so many levels, his poor wife (and dcs if he has) and it's affecting your mental health cut ties go to your go and see if you can get put on a list for some talking therapies to help with mental health

Gp*

It's all about your feelings.

Have you ever once considered his poor wife?

You will not get any judgement from me. I'm dating a married man too.

If someone could wave a magic wand and give you one wish, what would the situation be like?

I've been the wife in this situation but I don't think you need me to tell you what you're doing is wrong.
I think the way you feel about him is largely due to the fact that you know you can't 'have' him. It's exciting and you get the best bits of him when you see him. If you were with him properly I am pretty sure the excitement would wear off quickly. Nothing less sexy than washing a man's underpants and cleaning the toilet after him but his wife will probably be doing that while you get the fun bits she probably no longer gets.

You need to occupy your mind with other things, nicer things than a cheating married man, they all say they love you, they don't, they love the excitement, the passion that is lacking in their marriage but would never leave their wife.

Instead of consuming your thoughts about your own feelings, try spending five minutes imaging being that poor wife and how bad you would feel knowing this was going on with your husband and yourself, just imagine how awful that is.

Can't really say anything else other than stop what you are doing, it's one of the nastiest things to do to another person; not once have you even mentioned his wife, his life partner, remember her in all this?

You are basically wasting your time on a man that only sees you as a side fuck, someone to play with but ultimately it's you who will be left on her own; if the wife finds out, be prepared for much worse.

You are going to have to cut him off stone dead and block him entirely. You may well now have to look for another job. This is going nowhere and if his wife finds out then you are going to come off far worse and not only in an emotional sense, in the workplace as well. This is not an appropriate work based relationship, all sorts of boundaries and lines are being crossed here by both of you.

He is a creep and opportunist who is cheating on his wife and is also lying to you as well re being in love with you. This man is currently having his cake and eating it. You have managed to end it before now, end it for good this time.

It was also very low of him to target you but he did that deliberately as well. The fact that you are at work with him as a single mother and with some underlying anxiety issues made you more attractive for him to exploit and use. You really do need to make a life for yourself without him in it, where are your friends here?. Do you have much of a life outside work and your child?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what sort of an example were you shown?. This is in no way a loving and mutually respectful relationship, he just wants to use you and once that is done spit you out.

Twice a week.

He is getting the best of you and his wife is getting the best of him, remember that.

You can do better than this. There is a man out there who will make you even happier and you won't even have to share.

He is a bastard for treating his wife this way - that is who he really is. Not the charmer act that he puts on for you. Take a minute to imagine how things would really work with you two together, all the hurt and anger and shame, shared custody with children who either won't like you much or their mum won't, wondering is he texting that new girl in the office at work every time he goes to the loo?

You could have a wonderful life with someone else, why bother chasing this nightmare

If you want to feel OK for yourself and your DC, then end all contact. It’s self destructive to do anything else.

Please seek RL support for your mental health.

I have considered his wife, yes. Sometimes I feel jealousy/anger that she has him and I don't, and other times I feel sorry for her because she's with a man who cheats and is (presumably) none the wiser. I know how selfish I sound but I'm afraid I'm already too far down this path to see it clearly and to put an end to it. The only reason we haven't slept together yet is because he's afraid that it will ruin things and that I won't want to spend time with him any more.

Djnoun honestly? If I could wave a magic wand I would go back to the point where we were just work colleagues so that none of this would have happened. I've thought about it so much but I don't actually think that I want to be with him, not that he'd leave his wife anyway.

Sunshine I appreciate your reply, it must be hard to come across women like me. I think you're right with regards to the wanting what I can't have. I think in a way it's some sort of self-sabotage - I don't feel like I deserve the real deal due to my insecurities so the fact that I'm in a situation that can only end in disaster is on some level a way of torturing myself.

When you think about him, think about his capacity to lie and deceive his wife, about his greed and his lack of guilt for basically thinking he can have his cake and eat it. Does he seems so attractive now? He is a walking,talking lie. The more you break down what this man is, the more you will realise that there is every chance that the things you find attractive about his personality are just an act.

This will end in disaster for you both personally and professionally if you do not act and end this affair for good this time. He could well walk away scot free particularly if he is in a senior role. You may well ultimately have to find another job.

What insecurities are you struggling with and where did all these start with you?. What has your relationship history been like, it is a case of one disaster after another?. That is also why I asked you about what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. You do deserve better from a relationship and he is only in this for his own self.

The only reason we haven't slept together yet is because he's afraid that it will ruin things and that I won't want to spend time with him any more.

Eh?! Sorry, what?

I thought that is what you might say.

I'm not going to support the view that he's a monster. Although it's a convenient narrative, it isn't necessarily helpful because you know him.

But you do need to take steps to stop any further bonding between the two of you in order to mitigate the feelings you have developed. That means stopping sexual contact with him. It also means no cuddling, no intimate chatting, and probably hardest of all, no mooning around about him.

What do you do in your spare time? What are your hobbies? What are your passions?

His words, not mine - I'm just as confused.

@ElectricMonkey

I am dating him. He's my boyfriend. But I don't expect you to have any generous thoughts about me, so no offence taken.

His intention is to make you confused.

You do not know him at all. He is in this for his own self aggrandisment and self gratification. I think he has acted appallingly here but you are going to come off far worse ultimately if you do not end this emotional affair for good. He will crawl back to his wife begging forgiveness and you will be out in the cold both professionally and personally. Your mental health has already taken a further battering at his hands and you also have a child to consider.

@ElectricMonkey

Not really relevant questions to this thread, but thanks for taking an interest.

He may have problems with sex, hence the not sleeping together.
No judgment from me. He’s decided to cheat, not you. You’re not the devil ffs.