Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

I'm think that regardless of the 'other woman' status, the situation has progressed to drawn out attention seeking bollocks. She's aware of his bullshit, she's aware he's married and has kids, and yet continues to fuck about. We only see replies here when she's apparently crumbled. If she wanted to actually fix the situation by doing the right thing for his wife and kids, and also herself, she'd get on with it, but instead we are seeing this load of old twaddle.

@penisbeakers Sadly, I have to agree with you on that.

The only way is cold turkey. It will hurt but the hurt you will feel if you stay is a million times worse. You know it's wrong and you deserve much more. You can do this.

I'm sorry that some of you still think that I'm doing this for attention. If that was the case, then my life would be so much fucking easier believe me.

Just because we're not talking about drugs here doesn't mean that this is any different from an actual addiction. I'm not smoking or injecting some sort of substance so therefore I'm a home-wrecking, attention-seeking bitch?

This is not about a man, it's nothing to do with his looks, personality or charm - it's purely about what's happening in my head. Things are truly fucked up in there.

Yes, I've failed the no contact this week. Am I happy? Of course I'm not. I'm certainly not proud of this and I'm more ashamed of myself than any of you could be. This isn't just a case of "getting" over a crush or an emotional affair - the roots go much deeper.

I won't stop trying to walk away.

You don't have to explain yourself. I know.

It was me that brought OP back onto this thread, not her, she wasn't attention seeking.

I know exactly where you are in this OP, keep trying.

To all those that are saying it is attention seeking; it really isn't. I agree with holding that it is a kind of addiction. Actually, scrub that - it IS an addiction because she has been programmed to respond to the dopamine which get's produced when he is around.

He's abused her. He's abusing his wife by default. There will be other women involved who are also being abused.

You can change your brain chemistry and that is why NC is so important. It's also why it's so difficult and often needs multiple attempts. On average, seven.

So the way I see it, the OP is doing the right thing by attempting NC. If she caves from time to time, I see nothing wrong in her coming on here and asking for support.

It never really truly goes away though. I've been in varying states of NC with a man from last year. The effect had been lessening. I dreamt about him for the first time in many, many months this morning. It was extremely vivid and sexual. Of course, he is now on my mind again. No matter, I'm not going to break NC but it really is such an insidious position to be in and for that, the OP has my sympathies and

Crimson What might help, what actually will help, is by imagining every time you meet him, he is going back to his wife and sniggering about the woman who has the biggest crush on him. Another thing that would help is by thinking of someone whose opinion matters a lot to you and imagine what they would say/think of you if they could see how you are carrying on with another woman’s husband. You would be mortified surely? Think of these things. They WILL change your actions x

I know I messed up with the no contact this week but my actions have changed a hell of a lot in the past couple of weeks. Before I posted here for support, I was running at full speed in his direction - lapping up every last crumb he threw towards me. Whenever he sent me a text, I would reply within a minute even though he would often go hours or even a full day without replying back. Now, when he contacts, I ignore it and I force myself to not come across as though he has my in the palm of his hand.

He's a full on narcissist and he thrives on my weakness and knowing that he has the power. He knows I'm vulnerable, and he knows what sort of hold he has over me. I'm trying to edge away and will carry on doing so until he has no hold over me whatsoever.

I'm not special to him, and he's not special to me. It's not about that. It's my addiction to the hot and cold behaviour, and the uncertainty of it all. If he constantly blew hot then I would never have been hooked. If he constantly blew cold, then I would never have been involved in the first place. It's the fact that he's so inconsistent, and the tiniest bit of "hot" leaves me wanting more and more.

Still doesn't make it right.

I'm incredibly aware of how addiction works, it takes many forms but here's the thing, at some point you have to put your foot down and take control.

Stop being a doormat, and start being a grown up. This isn't just your life you're fucking around with here. He's the main perpetrator that's for sure, but frankly not turning your back on him permanently only increases your culpability with every moment you go running back. Grow up.

WhatsGoingonEh Intrigued by the initials you quoted as op sounded like someone my friend was involved with who had the same initials. Is there an Irish Catholic connection?

I'm intrigued by the initials too. I had a friend who was involved with someone who had the same initials AND was Irish :). Tell us Whatsgoingoneh! Is it the same bloke getting around. It would be very funny if it was.

Today I feel angry. Angry at him and angry at myself for letting this go on for so long. It's over. I've never been at this point before.

Yes!!!! Right direction

Brilliant! Progress has been made. Well done you. X

If he constantly blew hot then I would never have been hooked. If he constantly blew cold, then I would never have been involved in the first place. It's the fact that he's 5 inconsistent, and the tiniest bit of "hot" leaves me wanting more and more.

The fact that you've even had this insight OP, speaks volumes. Many only understand after the ending of the formal relationship.

I don't know what switch has been flipped in my head but I hope it's permanent. I can't go back there again. Thank you all x

Well done.