Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

Btw, I understand the emotional drop afterwards, I’m in a similar situation. I think it’s exacerbated by the knowledge that all the emotions are real and strong but they’re not backed up by the security of a place in his life.
Ring Samaritans if you feel awful.

Attila growing up, my parent's relationship was toxic. No cheating involved but lots of mental and sometimes physical abuse from both directions. My childhood was miserable and I lived in constant fear that they would break up even though they were clearly terrible for one another. When I started having relationships, my behaviour always mirrored that of my mother's - she was volatile, lived for drama, never satisfied with what she had. Eventually, with help of medication and counselling, I got better and my last relationship was more positive but I'm still far from being "normal". I'm worried about meeting a "nice" man because I don't want to hurt anyone. It's all just so fucked up.

Outside of work and my child, my life is dull really. I rarely get child free time as her dad isn't on the scene and my family isn't supportive. I'm very much on my own.

Does he have children op? I’ve been in a similar situation.

Yeah, I'm shagging OW's husband, he's my boyfriend though, oh dear.

Yes he does have children. He claims that he would leave his wife tomorrow if it wasn't for the kids.

I think the sex thing must come down to some sort of issue he has. It's definitely not because he feels too guilty - he seems really worried about me being put off.

Unless you've been there, the emotions when you have an affair with a married man are extreme. I think your main problem is that it's happened through work, this is a recipe for disaster.

Are they young children? It sounds so similar to my situation - almost identical. He sounds like he’s playing you with all his excuses.

End this now. Men who cheat on their wife are not worth having, and the fantasy you have about your future life together is rarely what you think it's going to be.

No judgment from me. He’s decided to cheat, not you. You’re not the devil ffs.

I'm not sure this argument holds up. The OP isn't married but she's still guilty of handling stolen goods. Or rather, she would be, if he let her. 😆

Millie they're early teens. I definitely feel like I've been played. He blows hot and cold all the time. Some weeks he's loving and very attentive - lots of phonecalls and messages. Then other weeks I barely hear from him. Luckily we're not in the same department at work anymore so I don't have to see him on a daily basis. He prefers it when I'm "needy" as he calls it. Hates it when I have the rare night out with friends and goes distant on me.

And them poor children, I have no respect for people like you or him.

What a wonderful example you're setting for your daughter 

Have you posted this before? Feel like I've read this exact post a month or so ago?

Anyway, think of his wife.

Oh wake up op please.
Please don't fall for the 'I'd leave if it wasn't for the kids' line. It's highly unlikely.
You need to take full control of the situation and end it and move on. Yes it will be hard but you'll end up incredibly unhappy and lonely in the long run if you don't.
His poor family.

God - could be the same man! His behaviour sounds identical and in my case it didn’t end well.

Please OP for your own sake end this! I know it's hard but you know this will only end in disaster. It's clear from your posts that you are intelligent and insightful and you are worth so much more than this. Big hug xx

No I've never posted about this before. I'm only posting now because I feel so desperate and I can't see a way out.

Millie can I ask how it ended?

As someone who's husband has just left me and our 2 young children for his colleague, I struggle to have any sympathy I'm afraid

@CrimsonCloverHoney @Djnoun

I get that the onus should be on the married man not to cheat because he is the one married after all. But aside from thinking about the wife and how devastating this could be for her and her children- don't you think more of yourselves than to carry on with a guy who is having his cake and eating it.

If he thought that much of you- he would have left his wife to commit to you or not let you get feelings in the first place. Cop on!

You're nothing more than a play thing to him.

Get a grip. Go out, meet people.
Leave this man to focus on his family. Hopefully he will learn to be a better husband. He made vows to his wife, do you have no respect for that?

Those kids are early teens, such a crucial time in their lives. You could potentially destroy their family.

Sort yourself out girl, grow up.

Are his initials PM?

It's SO telling that, in your words, he likes you when you are needy and gets distant and cold when you actually have a night out with friends. How can you like someone who is attracted to others weakness? Well, from what you've said, probably because of your Dad and what he was like when you were growing up. This feels normal for you - even though it's destroying you.
You need to urgently access more psychotherapy or counselling as a way out of this. Best of luck.

Speaking as the wife of a man who had an EA. When it all came out their relationship failed very fast. The excitement was gone and actually he saw very clearly that if they had both been single they wouldn't have dated as they weren't compatible. Problem was the brief adrenaline buzz really wasn't worth the devastation of two marriages (she was married too) but also as it happened in the work place it ruined a previously enjoyable job.

I know you're buzzing right now but remember FALSE. F= Fantasy, it's not based in reality, A= Adrenaline, the excitement of new/forbidden heightens attraction. L =Lost, affairs generally start when one or both is feeling lost in their own life/relationship. S= Secrecy, the keeping of the secret actually bonds two people together and E = Ego, you get an ego boost out of someone wanting you so much and the needing.

Hard to see clearly but you need to back off until you can, there is no future as even if you did get together you will always be aware he is a cheat.