Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

Personally I think you should change the photo of him on your contact list to a turkey. Then when he calls or texts you'll be reminded of his wrinkly neck, which will then trigger you asking yourself "WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS".

I have been there before with being the idiot who kept going back, albeit not an affair scenario. You will come out the other side of this, but try to minimise the time and headspace you give him now.

Hissy has it.

[Waves to Hissy x]

OP you CAN do it.

I've been where you are. I'm out the other side now, a year later. I know it seems impossible, but it's worth persisting. You WILL feel so much better about yourself, your judgment, your expectations.

We're sent lessons in life (I believe) and they repeat and repeat until we get the message.

My message was that I had been codependent, too guilty of pleasing others, not trusting myself enough.

I'm much more conscious of those thought processes and behaviours. I can stop them in their tracks.

Please don't give up on yourself any more than you already have x

No contact is so hard when you know you can pick up the phone and they will answer and will meet you in a heartbeat.

Think of it this way, if he responds to you when he knows you need no contact and that he has nothing to offer you, then it’s just cruel. He knows you’re struggling, and he’s not being kind. A kind person would ignore you, or say sorry I can’t see you, I can’t be with you and I want you to have a happy life. They wouldn’t meet you

I’ve been on both sides of this, I said to my ex, you still contacting me is not helping you move on. It’s keeping you stuck. And however much that is painful for him, at least it gives him a chance to get on with life.

On the other side I was with someone and we couldn’t be together, yet he constantly contacted me, and if I felt even a tiny bit low I would contact him. I would get the high for a couple of hours and then have to deal with a serious comedown.

NC is expectionally hard, especially if you work with someone, there is always something work based you can talk about which leads down the same inevitable road.

Don’t kick yourself for not keeping to NC. But you really have to examine the deep roots as to why you’re going back to someone who has nothing to offer you than cheap platitudes.
It is an addiction, treat it like one. Keep getting back on the wagon, eventually you will find that you can’t face it anymore. It took me 2 years! And I’m not 100% sure I am there yet. But I look back at all that wasted time where I could have met someone who really cares for me, and all I was taking was cheap grotty crumbs.
Words are cheap. Remember that

Holding Your words are like gold. You brave fucking woman you x

I'd ask for your hand in marriage but I rather suspect I'd have to push the Narcs away first.

Seriously, amazing and very well done you.

@Renarde1975
Hahaha thanks. It’s been a long tough road, and yes you’re right about the narcs. I grew up with one, so I do seem to attract them.
There is light the other side of the tunnel
Xx

Of course it is hard Crimson My decade long on/off (during which he met a girl, settled down, had a kid, his partner (who is the wrong person/he never loved blah blah read his messages to me, threatened to leave taking the child, his solution was to get a different email address she didn’t know about and continue mailing..,,..

I’m sure there are a few of us out there l receiving similar mails when he is bored, Why would he stop? He never once thought of me during all that time and still doesn’t. I continue to get mails. He bought a big new house. He mailed to tell me about it. It is selfish and egotistical. He doesn’t care a jot what I feel. Never did.

Keep telling yourself. He didn’t choose you. He could have but didn’t. That is what got me through and finally made me realise what a narc he is.

Oh @CrimsonCloverHoney 😔 I'm so disappointed.

I think we're at drawn out attention seeking at this point. The only time she comes back is to complain about being sucked back in. 🙄

I don't think it's pure attention seeking. But I am surprised at the hand holding that is going on...

OP, this is a married man.
You don't want to be with him.
You are potentially ruining a family with children because you want an ego boost.

It's not on. And quite frankly, you should be ashamed.
Think of someone else other than yourself for a change.

Anyone who hasn’t been in this situation doesn’t understand this situation.
It’s just not as it seems. Like I said, it’s as bad as heroin, you want to be free but there is the drug, going “take me””take me” I will make you feel better. Look at your shit life, if you just take me you’ll feel ok.

There is no other comparable, and I can tell you it isn’t attention seeking.
There is something in you that consciously and subconsciously ignores all the reasoning not to interact with that person.

People tell you it’s self destructive, people tell you it’s self sabotage, and you nod your head, because you know it’s all true, but then that little blue flame lights up. And you genuinely think you need that physical release.

Like I said, if you’ve not been there you don’t understand.

Why do alcoholics still drink, why do obese people still eat, why do anorexics still starve, why do herion addicts still take a hit.

It’s the same thing, and I bet everyone at some point said to them, have more will power, just say no, but it just doesn’t work like that.

@Holdingonbarely well said

@Holdingonbarely I'd understand all of that if OP had said she was head over heels in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

But she doesn't.

It's not about him. It's about the way he's making her feel, the ego boost.
She could get that from any bloke. But she chose one who has a wife and kids.

She has zero interest in this man. She's playing with fire and someone is going to get hurt.

And you know what? It won't be the OP because she has no true feelings invested in this.
It will be his kids when their family is blown apart.

@IAmGrootGrootGroot
That’s why the only analogy I can think of is addiction. Because no one loves herion. They love the high it gives them.

It’s much more complex. Which is why you really need to work on yourself and why you have this self destructive urge, when in reality, you don’t actually want the outcome you crave.
And as with all drugs and addiction, you stop caring all that much about all the people who are also affected. Which in turn makes you hate yourself a bit more and then need it a bit more. A vicious cycle.

I could pace the room knowing I don’t want contact, I don’t want to be with this person. They are awful to me and everyone else in their life. But then something just overrides it all.

Now I am talking from personal experience, and I was on the NC board for a long time and the major patterns were exactly the same for most people.

Whoa hang

Enough with the homewrecker bullshit. Yes she knows he's married but let's be real here, he's the married one, he's the one ruining everything, and not just his own marriage situation. OP just needs to grow the fuck up and cut ties, and report him to HR sooner rather than later.

Assuming it's not all bullshit.

@penisbeakers but she would be a home wrecker?
That's not to say it's not on his head, it absolutely would be. But she's choosing to go along with this knowing that it could ruin the lives of young kids.
She could end it now and not look back but she's choosing not to..

That's not to say I'm not rooting for you @CrimsonCloverHoney I absolutely think you can do this, and I really hope you work on your self esteem because this arsehole is completely taking advantage of you.

I just don't get why anyone would take this risk when there are no feelings involved.
If you meet your soulmate but they're married and you can't bare to be apart from each other then maybe that would be different.

But it seems like OP is just doing this for kicks now.

Maybe I'm naive, but I'm so surprised at how grown adults do not take into consideration the feelings of others.

Should that be 'bare' or 'bear'?
I'm thinking 'bear'?... I dunno.

Bare is correct!

Actually not it’s not! Off topic though! But interesting!!

😂 I genuinely have no idea... too much Saturday night wine has been consumed!

Hahaha! Me too.

Hence the attention seeking bollocks aspect of this now.

@penisbeakers I'm so confused, so you don't think she's a home wrecker?
Just an attention seeking bollox maker?

@penisbeakers
Is that aimed at us. Ok I apologise

Anyway. Op good luck, I hope you can take a small amount of my advice as someone who’s been through it. And you will get out the other side. Don’t be down on yourself for not being as perfect as others and walking away the first time. I know it’s not that simple.

There is nothing wrong with striving to be perfect (not that anyone is, certainly not me!) but you don't need to lower the bar and think that being the 'other woman' is the best you will achieve in life.

Don't listen to random women on MN and think what you're doing is ok, just because they've done it too. I guarantee if you tell your story to anyone in real life they will think you're a proper dick.

I wish you the best though OP, I hope you find your inner strength, because, quite frankly, I think you will need it. I'd rather not be in your position that's for sure. You don't have to be either, but only you can change it.

I'm bowing out now because I don't think this thread will have the happy ending I was hoping for.
Good luck OP.