Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

@Djnoun if it was that bad then he would leave her 
There is such thing as divorce you know.

There's simply no need for him to be betraying his wife so badly.

Whatever helps you sleep at night though, yeah?

I've suggested to the OP ways to get out of the situation because it doesn't sound healthy for her.

I'm not in the least bothered by your attempt to insult me. So you could have saved your time there.

@ElectricMonkey 👏👏👏

@IAmGrootGrootGroot

There is such a thing as divorce and I do think they should get a divorce. But it's not my decision or place to suggest it. And of course, it's really not that simple to tear your whole life asunder.

@Djnoun Presumably your 'boyfriend' is aware that divorce exists and he's not obliged to stay in an unhappy marriage? The fact of the matter is that you're the mistress in his dirty affair. No need for the pretentious waffling and over-intellectualising.

@Djnoun it's not your place to be shagging her husband but that doesn't seem to be stopping you?

@ElectricMonkey

Don't be disingenuous to make a point. You know perfectly well you've stated an opinion and not a fact.

OP, have a look at the reports coming in about these Asian men who have been grooming the young, vulnerable girls in Huddersfield. I think what those men were doing to the girls is very similar to what this man is doing to you, in terms of grooming you to put up with any behaviour.

Djnoun

Who told you that they have an unhappy marriage? Your 'boyfriend'? Yep- for sure take his word for it. Sounds like the type of guy who would tell the truth 

@EvePolastriSorryBaby

No, he didn't tell me he had an unhappy marriage. That's from my observation of it.

@Djnoun

Are you close enough to observe? Are you friends with the wife?

I would say I'm in a pretty good position to assess the situation. She's not a friend of mine.

I'm perfectly aware that other people have fixed views on the situation and I'm not trying to convert anyone or persuade them that, of all the affairs, mine is somehow special. I appreciate it's something that makes society in general very angry because it tears at the whole fabric of its construction. I'm not the sort of person who cares about what other people think of me though, so it's really pointless trying to make me feel like I should be ashamed because I'm not and I won't. If I could change the situation to make everyone get what they want, I would. But that's not an option.

I'm taking it from that that you at least know her?
I don't have a problem with you banging more than one person- I just think that everyone involved should know and have free choice. His wife doesn't and that's the bit that isn't fair?

OP... PLEASE stop it now. Go cold turkey, it will hurt but not as much as an affair does.
I know, I had one and yes in the end after some time apart and trying to fix our marriages we did divorce and now are very happy together. BUT I often say on these threads my happy ending came with the price of years of unhappiness. The emotional roller coaster is not worth it, it feels like it is but believe me it isn't.
Some women do handje affairs well, it suits them and maybe Djnoun is one of them but you OP you don't sound like one who can cope with it.
It will make you insecure, anxious, upstt and miserable... The highs are high but like all drugs you want more and more to get them.
You wont get them... I promise you, while it will hurt like hell initially do it now before you have wasted years waiting for this man.
Don't let years slip by.. It is easily done... You are young and you can be happy with someone else.
There is a website called loveshack. It has a forum supporting people ending or trying to end affairs.. No judgements, lots of advice. Go there and read heartbreaking stories of people who have wasted years and of men (and women) who all follow the same story line to keep their affair partners hooked.

And Djnoun... No judgement from me, life and relationships are not the clear cut unicorns skipping on rainbows, just divorce if your unicorn is not glittery anymore world of mn.

@Djnoun you're just happy as long as you're getting what you want?

I hope you fall head over heels in love with someone one day, I hope you build a life with them and make a commitment to them.
And then I hope they do to you what this 'man' is doing to his wife.

Just tell the poor woman and put her out of her misery.

Op, put it this way. Do you want to turn into Djnoun? Stop it now whilst you still know right from wrong.

OP I think you need to try to end it. Can you go and stay elsewhere/holiday/friends for a couple of weeks? You sound very vulnerable and the fact he's older and married and you're vulnerable suggests this is a bad relationship.

I know it's hard and lonely to be a single parent, but this man won't help you. He's using you to fill a void in his life.

I don't agree with cheating but I don't think that is your problem - he is the loser who is breaking his vows. His marriage may be crap but that's not your problem. Please try to have a couple of weeks away from him, no contact. Hopefully that will help you see him for what he is.

Alternatively find a way to make sure his wife finds out about the affair. She deserves to know he's a shit and her knowing would also either end or start your relationship.

Please end this op. For the sake of your mental health if nothing else. You have dc who rely on you. The suicidal feelings are worrying and very common in such cases where people need their affair partner's attention via calls and messages in order to feel ' alive' much like addictsthe . You're in a vulnerable position and need help to end this. I suggest finding a hypnotherapist who can help in cases like this. In a similar situation, I found hypnotherapy the only thing that helped.

Good luck op. x

As someone who is also having an emotional/non physical sexual relationship with a married man, these work best when the primary commitments on both sides are similar.

We are both married and for various reasons won't leave our significant others. But but means we both have full lives outside our relationship and not sitting at home waiting for the other.

You need someone who can commit to you fully. He can't and probably never will.

Oh the lack of physical sex? The final line for him, if he doesn't cross it he can probably pretend it's not really cheating.