Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

Another one 

@IAmGrootGrootGroot 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I expected the name-calling and the insults, I'm ashamed and sorry that this is actually my thread.

I do think that he's behaved in a way that has manipulated me and made me feel like I can't live without him. I felt strong before I met him and now I'm a mess. I actually feel like an addict, craving my next fix - it's painful and exhausting. I don't have the option to get away for a couple of weeks but I know I need to end this once and for all. How do I even go about it? He keeps saying that it's only a matter of time before I see him for what he is and wonder why I'm bothering so he's just going to think that I'm proving him right as always. He's massively in control here. I feel so weak and pathetic.

What's the main way you communicate with him? Is it by message? Do you think you can block him? You don't owe him an explanation if you want to cut things off, you know that, OP?

Fuck's sake, could you all stop the pile on onto Djnoun? She didn't start the thread, and she has also advised the OP to end it based on her own very different perspective.

The insults aimed at her are childish. I can't stand infidelity, but she isn't asking for advice and she's not trying to gloat. Let her have her say; she is more likely to reach the OP given where she's at, and ultimately, attacking another poster here is hardly helpful to the OP.

OP: either you end it or it drags on and makes you worse. Those are your only options. Pull your finger out of your arse and get a grip, whatever you decide.

@Djnoun has name changed to @MrsDesireeCarthorse for one post only.

It's the only explanation.

@IAmGrootGrootGroot

I am quite sure MNHQ can quickly disabuse you of that idea.

@MrsDesireeCarthorse

Thank you! I do know this is the lion's pit in terms of the general response to affairs so wasn't expecting any less. Still thought it was worth it for the OP's sake to know that people would like to help without sticking the boot in too.

Djnoun yes the main communication is via messages. I feel like blocking him would be harsh and out of the blue but maybe that's how it needs to be. Because the feelings are so strong, I feel like I need to end it properly. I don't know anymore.

@IAmGrootGrootGroot, it really isn't, you know. Try advance searching my name. I have been around for quite some time.

The other explanation for your post, of course, is that you are 13.

I don't know anymore.

Yes, you do. Stop being so bloody wet and dramatic.

Are you happy? No. Then end it and stop whining. I have a friend like you and god, it's wearing.

You can do it op. You can get put him behind you once and for all. It's an addiction and you need to approach it as such. This shitty affair has reduced you to a mess and left you a shadow of your former self by the sounds of it. Rediscover the things you enjoyed before he came along. Please see a hypnotherapist it will massively help you. Cbt could also help. Do it for you and your dc. They need their mother back to her old self.
I went through a phase of having feelings for someone who was unavailable and I really can relate to your anguish. I remember it well. The suicidal feelings. The constant waiting and neediness.

I really feel for you op. You CAN do this.

Is it something you feel you can do, in terms of blocking? Or do you think it'll cause you more anxiety? If you're using WhatsApp, you can archive the messages and set future ones to not show notifications.

One thing I would say is don't do an ultimatum dump. As in, pushing him away to see if he'll come back. So it might be an idea to say you need some space rather than something dramatic that could heighten tension.

🙄 I was clearly joking you hoebags.

I presume your acting morally superior was also a show of very dry humour as well then, you "hoebag"

I'm not a hoebag.

No, that wasn't any kind of humour, I am most definitely, without a doubt, morally superior to you.

I think blocking him would make me feel ridiculously anxious. Telling him I need space would make me feel better, and will hopefully give me the strength I need to break away from him. Fuck. How did I let this happen.

Don't beat yourself up, OP. I know it's tempting, but it won't help you. You need to build your confidence up as much as you can to get the mental energy to rescue yourself. So be your own best friend. Forgive yourself. And please, think about my advice of starting to learn something and look at taking control in other areas of your life.

I'd also recommend a bit of counselling if you can, to unpick the stuff you were talking about earlier about your formative years.

You can do this!

"He prefers it when I'm "needy" as he calls it. Hates it when I have the rare night out with friends and goes distant on me."

So he's a controlling wanksock too.

Cut him off and tell his wife what he's been doing, that way she and her kids can kick him out and move on.

And what if he doesn't give you space? Just rip the fucking plaster off. Stop wallowing, seriously. Drama, drama, drama.

He blows hot and cold all the time. Some weeks he's loving and very attentive - lots of phonecalls and messages. Then other weeks I barely hear from him. He prefers it when I'm "needy" as he calls it. Hates it when I have the rare night out with friends and goes distant on me. He's manipulative and controlling. To his wife as well I imagine. And whoever else he's got on the side.

@CrimsonCloverHoney and bless you op, I hope you get well soon. You clearly have a bad self esteem issue. And for the record yes cheating men all sing the same song. 'We never have sex'
'I'd leave if it wasn't for the kids'
'The one I want is you'

Get out before you hurt yourself any further, he's making a huge fool out of you x