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Original poster

Help needed - emotional affair with married man

494 replies

CrimsonCloverHoney · 19/10/2018 10:46

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

OP posts:
grannyscobwebs · 19/10/2018 12:54

I don't want to give everything to one person and I think it's unhealthy long term to do i*

So be poly. And let the other guys wife know 😉

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 12:57

I said I wasn't going to derail the thread! I knew this would happen Smile

No more questions, your honour. Get back to the OP.

Screaminginsidemeagain · 19/10/2018 12:59

Whether the affair is emotional or physical is irrelevant.
Stop it now
The hurt and damage it will do to his innocent wife and family is unimaginable and irreparable. Do you really want to be the source of that much pain to another person?

Cut contact. Go cold turkey

yikesanotherbooboo · 19/10/2018 13:04

This relationship is harming your mental health , it is not making you feel better.( which a healthy relationship would do)
The MM is stringing you along and lying to his wife; that much we know. He is almost certainly lying to you too. He is fully aware that he is harming you but doesn't care enough or respect you enough to stop. He is treating his wife in exactly the same way. Is this who you want to be with? How would you feel if your sister or child were in this situation?
Some people ( in this case MM) feel entitled to use people in this way. He may be one of those who need a lot of validating and reassurance. His wife has to do the heavy lifting in the family and may not be 100% available to this self indulgent man child ( who would be? ).
Think about all the above and about why he has 'picked 'you to massage his ego. Then reset your head and walk away. He is not worth your time, love or health.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 13:08

Unfortunately, what will happen if you carry on is that you'll stay in the same situation. And if you aren't happy now, nothing changing isn't going to make you happy. He's not going to want to leave his wife for you. What he really wants is to keep both of you. Not sleeping with you is probably his way of minimising his guilty feelings and therefore justifying to himself that what he's doing isn't that bad. Don't wait for him to take action one way or the other. If you want to get out of it, you'll have to do it. If you don't feel confident enough yet, or like you have enough going on for you away from him, work on that first. So get out to a class or something. Anything so that you are focusing on yourself and not on him.

whynot93 · 19/10/2018 13:08

What the feck happened to denial solidarity. Go find a man of your own, someone who can give your there all not as-hoc when it suits. His poor wife, have you even given her a thought in all this?

SillySallySingsSongs · 19/10/2018 13:13

I'm quite comfortable with him being married

Sure yoy are. What about his wife that knows nothing aboit it. Dont suppose you care.

And yes, both boyfriends know about each other. I am a terrible liar, so couldn't handle any duplicity.

How ironic Hmm

whynot93 · 19/10/2018 13:23

*female solidarity.. excuse the typo!

Gazelda · 19/10/2018 13:23

So you want to end it OP. That's great. You just need the willpower and staying power to do this.
What's stopping you though? Is it the emotional crutch that he sometimes provides? Or that he's hoeing you attention that you aren't getting elsewhere? Or habit? Or the sense of danger?
If you can get to the bottom of what's keeping you with him, then you can work out a way to break the tie.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 13:24

@SillySallySingsSongs

Of course I care about her feelings and don't want her to get hurt. But the situation is complicated. In all honesty, I think they should get divorced and should have done a very long time ago. I think they're hurting each other trying to stay together. But that's not my place to say to him. I wouldn't dream of trying to advise him on his marriage when I'm not an impartial third party.

bowdownbeforelokitty · 19/10/2018 13:28

Poor OP, her quasi married man isn't much interested and neither is the thread. Now Djnoun's brand of infidelity is much more titillating.

chocsahoy · 19/10/2018 13:43

He has (possibly unintentionally) got you hooked by keeping you waiting for texts etc and then when you get one you get a buzz of excitement which distracts you from noticing whether this "relationship" is what you need.
This happens to women with unmarried boyfs who jeep them dangling like a yo-yo too.

Go cold turkey, get support from a friend, find someone else to date, he likely doesn't deserve you x

SandyY2K · 19/10/2018 13:49

OP... I've sent you a PM. It's a place where the OW/OM aren't judged so harshly.

You'll read of others just like you. They've wasted years if their lives being invisible as a secret lover.

If you post your story all the other OWs will tell you it's their big regret..much like you've said yourself.

ChippyPickledEggs · 19/10/2018 14:09

God OP, it just sounds shit. Soooo miserable and unsatisfying.

Just leave him. Rip the plaster off. It'll hurt like buggery for a bit and then you will get over it. Once you're over it, the knowledge that you walked away will go in the self esteem bank. You will have acted in your own best interests and that is very good for your head.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 19/10/2018 16:07

@djnoun And yes, both boyfriends know about each other. I am a terrible liar, so couldn't handle any duplicity.

The irony in this!!!

EvePolastriSorryBaby · 19/10/2018 16:11

@Djnoun- you should change your name to duplicity, it suits you.

Nesssie · 19/10/2018 16:16

Djnoun You are deluded. I honestly don't think I've come across anyone as horrible as you. The fact you are so cold about it. Disgusting.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 16:19

You've led a pretty charmed life if I'm the worst person you've ever encountered! Grin

I mean I can't handle the logistics of duplicity. I am autistic and that makes it challenging for me to lie. It also makes me very candid and possibly, yes, come across a bit brutal about the facts. But that's who I am, so no point worrying about it.

EvePolastriSorryBaby · 19/10/2018 16:21

So you can't lie- what would you do if you came across the MM's wife? Or if she asked you outright if something was going on?

Nesssie · 19/10/2018 16:22

Oh I've met horrible people who have done horrible stuff. But the fact you are so cold about this, so convince it is justified, no empathy for the wife. That is truly shocking. Something wrong with you.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 16:31

I didn't say I couldn't lie. I'm just not very good at it.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 16:34

I am sympathetic to her position. But I think she could have predicted this happening considering the circumstances.

NoOffence · 19/10/2018 16:39

You need to go back to counselling, build your self esteem up, be single & focus on your child.

IAmGrootGrootGroot · 19/10/2018 16:41

@Djnoun considering what circumstances?
The fact that he made marriage vows to her, and her to him?
You're a shameless person.
I hope there's no kids involved.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 16:51

I suppose if you think making marriage vows means you have to be miserable for the rest of your life, and live in constant unendurable frustration, then yeah, I guess he's a bit of a shit. But I don't see the requirement to live in a kind of soulless prison without any outlet for happiness because you signed a contract half a lifetime ago while having no possible way to predict the ongoing circumstances you might find yourself in on your way to the grave.