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Original poster

Help needed - emotional affair with married man

494 replies

CrimsonCloverHoney · 19/10/2018 10:46

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

OP posts:
IrianOfW · 19/10/2018 12:06

Forgetting about the impact on his wife and kids (that is real but not going to bother you right now), think about how you could be hurt.

If his wife finds out he will probably end things abruptly (or even kindly and gently as possible but still end it)

Alternatively she could pretend to end things but take it underground with you - giving you a good idea of how he reallly wants things to be,

He could of course leave her for you in the heat of them moment- but is that really what you want? A cheater who has walked away from his family and may well shilly-shally for years hurting everyone as much as possible.

Or she may never find out and you could continue like this for years - never quite in a relationship but not free to find anyone else.

Who knows, but none of those scenarios sound that good to me.

What scenario would you like to see? Are you likely to get there? Try and look at things calmly and as objectively as possible.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 12:07

On the contrary @ElectricMonkey I think peddling the narrative that the only possible relationship between a woman and a married man is one where he is entirely using her and has zero emotional connection to her is unhelpful because, while I'm sure that narrative satisfies you specifically, it's not actually true.

OP, you very much need to be seeking emotional fulfilment elsewhere. Preferably something where you can focus on yourself in personal development. Is there something you've always wanted to learn? A language, a dance? Can you sign up for a class the night you would normally see him?

grannyscobwebs · 19/10/2018 12:12

the only possible relationship between a woman and a married man is one where he is entirely using her and has zero emotional connection to her is unhelpful because, while I'm sure that narrative satisfies you specifically, it's not actually true.*

Please explain to us how else this could possibly work....surely you'd prefer a man in who's life, you weren't the 2nd option.

There may be somewhat of an emotional connection, but not enough from him to respect you, or in that case, for you to respect yourself.

As the other woman, you are no more than a sexual fantasy, an option for when the man is bored and a distraction from perhaps an unhappy marriage.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 12:16

@grannyscobwebs

I'm not the OP so I don't think it's appropriate for me to derail the thread talking about the details of my life. And anyway, let's be honest, you've already made your mind anyway, haven't you, so what's the point. You just want to scold me for my behaviour, not hear the details.

grannyscobwebs · 19/10/2018 12:19

I Was actually interested in the narrative that you've given this difficult path that you've chosen.

I addressed the OP and yourself in my question, that neither of you answered, because you seem to have similar experiences. I guess most of us are not in the position, so difficult to get our heads around how you could be, willingly.

I understand that you don't want to derail- but you offered up your own situation for scrutiny.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 12:21

@grannyscobwebs

I didn't offer it up for scrutiny, although I understand the curiosity. I wanted to reassure the OP that I was coming from a non-judgmental position.

grannyscobwebs · 19/10/2018 12:23

I think we all offer ourselves up for scrutiny when we share our opinions on here. Always good to hear and understand another persons POV even if we're inclined not to agree.

yetmorecrap · 19/10/2018 12:24

Sit and imagine you are his wife, and he is now doing this to you, not such a nice guy eh!!

Elementtree · 19/10/2018 12:35

Meh, taking his wife out of the equation...

what a fucking shit show to be with a guy who won't sleep with you because it will 'ruin' things while he goes about in a relationship with another woman, his wife in this case.

And you feel sorry for her? But here you are, knowing that he is untrustworthy, knowing you are not worth the risk to him, knowing that you have become his emotional play thing ego boost and still you would pursue this?

Seriously, give your head a wobble.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 12:39

@grannyscobwebs

Well, in response to your query about whether I'm only a sexual fantasy, perhaps it's equally the case that he is only a sexual fantasy for me, since I'm quite comfortable with him being married and not taking on the role of a primary partner in my life. It's certainly true that our relationship was founded on sex (like pretty much all others, right), we do have a very strong emotional bond that is nothing to do with sex. We're in love. And I believe that love can coexist with other relationships in his and in my life (I have another boyfriend - not married).

grannyscobwebs · 19/10/2018 12:43

So you're both as bad as each other and equally lacking in self respect.

I sincerely hope it works out so none of you get terribly hurt, your partners even more so.

That's just my opinion.

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 19/10/2018 12:44

Irian I think the likely outcome of this is that this could go on for several for months, even years and he'll be getting the best of both worlds while I watch my life pass me by without ever finding an actual partner and someone who is good for me. I'm scared to let go because he's sort of become an emotional crutch for me.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 19/10/2018 12:46

Djnoun, you are most confusing, you say up thread your married man is your boyfriend, you are dating him, but, you also have a boyfriend, you must not know who you are with half the time....Confused

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 12:46

@grannyscobwebs

I don't see sexual freedom as equating to a lack of respect, but I can understand why some people do.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 12:47

@Adora10

Haha no I'm quite capable of knowing which partner I'm with! Do you get mixed up if you have more than one friend or one child? Confused

Adora10 · 19/10/2018 12:48

Crimson, you clearly have zero intention of doing anything other than carrying on with your little affair with this little penis man, why you have come on here looks very much like your release to blab about your infatuation for him, perhaps come back when you actually want to do something about your situation, you are starting to sound quite sickening now.

You do know you can get emotional support from both men and women without being their bit on the side?

Elementtree · 19/10/2018 12:49

Do you get mixed up if you have more than one friend or one child?

I get my kids mixed up ALL THE TIME, I'd make a terrible cheating spouse.

Adora10 · 19/10/2018 12:49

Djnoun, I was being amusing obviously; so, is your married man also your boyfriend then, seriously I am confused?

grannyscobwebs · 19/10/2018 12:50

It's sexual freedom if all parties are aware and in agreement. I'm afraid, in your case, it's just cheating.

You can't give it some new age label to make yourself feel better. It's deceitful and potentially very damaging.

It's a shame you don't think enough of yourself or each other to give everything to one person.

Djnoun · 19/10/2018 12:51

@Adora10

Two boyfriends, but the married man is my main boyfriend. But I spend more time with the other one.

It's not a life for everyone, but it suits me.

And yes, both boyfriends know about each other. I am a terrible liar, so couldn't handle any duplicity.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/10/2018 12:52

Well this is seriously messing with your mental health.
You need to end it.
Hard as that might be.
Block, ignore and delete.
And please get some counselling.
You are sabotaging your own life and future and there must something behind that.
So investigate that.

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 19/10/2018 12:52

Adora that's not true. I have come here because I want to end it. I was answering a question upthread about the likely outcome of if we carried on going with this affair.

OP posts:
Djnoun · 19/10/2018 12:53

@grannyscobwebs

I don't want to give everything to one person and I think it's unhealthy long term to do it. Hence the reason every other post on the relationships board is about affairs.

Adora10 · 19/10/2018 12:53

Deluded women pretending we can all love various people, forgetting to inform the partners of said people so they are blissfully unaware, yeah, sounds lovely and romantic, hope you are all using plenty protection, actually giving me the boak so I'm out.

grannyscobwebs · 19/10/2018 12:53

but the married man is my main boyfriend. But I spend more time with the other one.**

That makes no sense

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