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Original poster

Cliche - attractive au pair...

233 replies

ImpyInk · 15/10/2018 12:29

Right, new name and I'm also posting this on behalf of a friend (who's here with me), who wants the MN view on this but is worried about outing and doesn't want to become a MN member herself.

My friend, who I'll call Anne, and her DH, who I'll call Mark, have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and are basically soulmates. However, pressures of work and kids and exhaustion meant that their sex life had dwindled a lot in the last 4-5 years. Maximum of once a month in the last 2 years... until, in the summer, they got an au pair. Au pair is absolutely fantastic and Anne loves her. She's also very attractive and is in her late 20s, and Mark (early 40s) clearly finds her so. Suddenly, Mark's sex drive is through the roof. Anne and Mark having sex several times a week and Mark clearly also having "me time" fantasising about the au pair as well. Anne is pleased about sex life, but worried that she should be worried. There is no real threat - the au pair has a girlfriend, Mark is always completely appropriate with her in person, etc etc. Au pair is happy and unaware that Mark fancies the pants off her.

Perspectives? Should Anne worry or not?
TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
ImpyInk · 15/10/2018 12:33

We should add, Mark is quite open with Anne (when asked) about his attraction for the au pair. Doesn't talk about it, but will answer questions (a bit irritably, but basically openly) when asked.

OP posts:
Dontfeellikeamillenial · 15/10/2018 12:34

The au pair had a girlfriend?

inlectorecumbit · 15/10/2018 12:34

I would be more concerned that Mark does not find Anne as attractive anymore and is fantasising about the au pair.

WhatAboutTheWeather · 15/10/2018 12:34

I can't imagine that makes for a great atmosphere at home? Watching your husband drool over someone else every day - right in front of you?

Original poster
ImpyInk · 15/10/2018 12:36

Sorry, that was a misprint, Dont - the au pair has a boyfriend, not a girlfriend

OP posts:
MrsCar · 15/10/2018 12:38

How does the wife know that the dh is mastubating whilst thinking about the aupair? Confused

Poor aupair, I feel uncomfortable for her. It's almost as if she's being violated, if her employers have discussed her in a sexual manner, whilst she's sharing their home with them.

Original poster
ImpyInk · 15/10/2018 12:38

Thank you for the replies.

Yes, Anne doesn't know what to make of it really. Husband definitely loves her, and in some ways it's making them much closer but of the increased physical connection.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 15/10/2018 12:39

So he’s told his wife that he wanks while fantasising about the au pair?

Original poster
ImpyInk · 15/10/2018 12:40

MrsCar, Anne asked Mark about that (perhaps unwisely) and he told her.

Yes, Anne knows what you mean about feeling uncomfortable about the au pair. But she is very happy, unaware and wants to stay, and there is never anything uncomfortable for her to deal with in actuality.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImpyInk · 15/10/2018 12:40

Sorry about this writing in the third person - realise it sounds weird!!

OP posts:
AlleyG · 15/10/2018 12:41

Ugh, completely grim.

Yes, I would worry because:
a) Mark is a dirty old lech
b) Mark is clearly picturing the au pair while banging Anne
c) Mark is wanking like a 14-year old on heat just because there's an attractive woman around (see point a)
d) If the au pair didn't have a girlfriend and Anne hadn't clocked that Mark fancied the au pair, Mark would be actively trying to bang her
e) Mark will have an affair (if he's not done so already)

Mark seems like a misogynistic prick.

Anne asking Mark about his attraction to the au pair (where he's willing to answer questions) is really fucking weird too.

The house sounds bizarre and stifling and the marriage sounds dysfunctional.

Snowymountainsalways · 15/10/2018 12:42

Mark is quite open about his attraction to the au pair

You lost me then.

Your poor friend. How awful that he does not feel attracted and in love with his own wife, she somehow has to play second best. I would not be comfortable with this at all. The increase in sex is revolting, are you sure Mark hasn't been having an affair and now that has ended he is using his wife to satisfy his needs?

I would question Mark's loyalty for your friend, I would question a set where the dh was drooling over the au pair, is the the au pair even comfortable working there??? He sounds like a complete letch. Yuck.

mamaslatts · 15/10/2018 12:42

I think most women (and men) accept their partner can find other people attractive. I don't think many would be mad keen if it was someone living in their house. If my sex life was based on how attractive my husband found someone else I would be extremely upset.

AlleyG · 15/10/2018 12:44

But she is very happy, unaware and wants to stay, and there is never anything uncomfortable for her to deal with in actuality

Hmm
TheStoic · 15/10/2018 12:44

Well unless the au pair (can you give her a name so she is less like an object?) is blind or an idiot, of course she’s going to know he fancies her.

I think they’d be doing her a favour by letting her go with a great reference. I’d be revolted if I thought my daughter was living with people like your friends.

LoveB · 15/10/2018 12:45

It's not very pleasant, but it's human nature and if Anne and and Mark are "soul mates" then I'm sure he'll get over it and won't act on it. I think the fact he's honest with his feelings is a good thing, better than him hiding it. Although it is all quite grim.

Unicornandbows · 15/10/2018 12:46

I guess it's like fancying anyone really could of been a girl at work.. If Mark isn't crossing a line with the au pair that's a good thing. I would however talk to Mark about his opinion on Anne if he still wants her or is having sex whilst thinking of au pair if that makes sense as then he isn't really attracted to Anne but using her to fulfil his own fancy somewhat sex doll type.

I think there is a line between physical attraction and mental attraction.. Just need to know where he stands in regards to that

idontknowwhattoput1 · 15/10/2018 12:48

What the heck is wrong with some women

MrsGB2225 · 15/10/2018 12:49

That is so grim. It’s awful for the Au Pair but I would have to terminate the contract and try to work on the marriage. I feel very bad for the wife.

noego · 15/10/2018 12:49

And who does Anne fantasise about in this surreal menage a trois?

Wouldn't be the boyfriend of the au pair would it?

If the au pair knew what do you think she would do? Would he still be happy and want to stay?

Deadringer · 15/10/2018 12:49

I don't have any advice but my thoughts are that if my husband told me he fancied someone, and thought about her while he wanked and even worse when we had sex I would hit the fucking roof. Yes sometimes you might fancy someone else but you keep it to yourself. He sounds like a disrespectful arse.

SpoonBlender · 15/10/2018 12:49

Myself and DP have both had crushes on other people and brought that to bed with us, it's become a bit of an in-joke. We're fine with it.

As long as 'Mark' is the soul of propriety with the au pair, and 'Anne' isn't weirded out by it, I'm not seeing any problems. The honesty is refreshing.

Thoughtcrime is not a crime.

CinnaMessala · 15/10/2018 12:50

Soul mates find each other attractive. Mark may be Anne’s soulmate but Anne is very clearly not Mark’s soulmate.

And if the aupar makes a move, is Anne so naive as to think Mark wouldn’t reciprocate?

Snowymountainsalways · 15/10/2018 12:51

I wonder what this is doing to Anne's confidence and self esteem?

I am seriously wondering whether she has any ability to draw any red lines in her marriage, as he is so 'open' could it be he is/has been cheating and she is just desperate to hold onto him at any cost? This is a very sad situation for her. The very fact the increased intimacy is making her feel closer to him indicates that she did not feel that way before. It is a shame that his attraction to another woman is responsible for their increased closeness.

They sound very far from 'soul mates' to me Op.

If she were my friend, I would be suggesting she can not trust Mark, not one inch and to protect herself.

AlleyG · 15/10/2018 12:52

Soul mates find each other attractive. Mark may be Anne’s soulmate but Anne is very clearly not Mark’s soulmate

Completely agree