Cliche - attractive au pair...

[ImpyInk]

Right, new name and I'm also posting this on behalf of a friend (who's here with me), who wants the MN view on this but is worried about outing and doesn't want to become a MN member herself.

My friend, who I'll call Anne, and her DH, who I'll call Mark, have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and are basically soulmates. However, pressures of work and kids and exhaustion meant that their sex life had dwindled a lot in the last 4-5 years. Maximum of once a month in the last 2 years... until, in the summer, they got an au pair. Au pair is absolutely fantastic and Anne loves her. She's also very attractive and is in her late 20s, and Mark (early 40s) clearly finds her so. Suddenly, Mark's sex drive is through the roof. Anne and Mark having sex several times a week and Mark clearly also having "me time" fantasising about the au pair as well. Anne is pleased about sex life, but worried that she should be worried. There is no real threat - the au pair has a girlfriend, Mark is always completely appropriate with her in person, etc etc. Au pair is happy and unaware that Mark fancies the pants off her.

Perspectives? Should Anne worry or not?
TIA

OP Mark isn't just a letch, he will be all sorts of other things good and bad as well. But in this area he isn't behaving well, he has a young person in his house who is meant to be part of his family while she is there and he is actively wanking about her while finding her presence arousing enough to want to have regular sex with his wife again. This isn't a situation I would want for my dd to be left in. Some situations have no good or fair outcomes, just least worst options and this should be what Anne is looking for.
Growing up I remember two dads who slept with help, one insisted of threesomes with his wife the other had solo adventures. There is always the possibility of this.
Mark being honest about his feelings isn't enough, you can still be an arse while being honest. He has created this situation what are his solutions for fixing it?

He's a lech.

Find a new au pair.

"Anne" needs to hire a very hot young male personal trainer to come to the house several times a week.

Anne is acting as a wank sock for Mark while he imagines shagging the au pair

^^ this. The situation is revolting if it's true

Yes thought crimes dont exist on a criminal level but they do on a moral level.

If someone fantasied every day about murder or massacre. I would doubt their mental state amd certainly would not want to be with them. This is different from a moment of anger.

If my partner was thinking about someone else constantly. Then I would not want to be with him. It’s not an offense as such but it would be my choice not to be with someone like that.

While my husband was having an affair, we had a lot more sex than previously, because he was as horny as hell.

Could Mark be having an affair with Susie next door & telling Anne the reason he's horny is because of having the attractive Jo around?

*He's a lech.

Find a new au pair*

No! Why should this lady lose her bloody job just because some old creep can’t his beady eyes to himself. Honestly, the amount of women either putting up with this shit to keep their job or loosing their jobs because wives cotton on. It’s ludicrous!

Keep the Au Pair ditch the man child. Honestly- sex drive back because a pretty woman is around- what is he 15! Vile.

@Impink

nor the director of a soft porn film, but hypothesise away

But in Marks head/fantasy he is in a porn film duh!!

Hence the increased libido

You seem very protective and fond of Mark, Anne not so.

The consensus on this thread is that Mark is a letch and that Anne should find some self respect and stop letting herself being used as a wank sock. So either get rid of Jo or Mark.

Or tell Jo.

Anne and Jo are the innocent in this story but the ones getting hurt, yes Mark is a great guy

OP being Susie next door makes sense.

If it’s obvious then maybe Jo is playing Mark.

I wonder if Susie’s husband Robert is suspicious, either way I hope their children; Paul, Emma, Rachel & Vincent don’t suffer in the fallout.
Although I suspect all the neighbors know what with nosey cow Mavis living directly opposite.

You do seem oddly protective of Mark tbh and your friend ANne has to put up with you hemming and hawing as you "just listen because it's complicated"

If you are that good a friend then it's not going to kill your relationship with Anne if you clearly condemn this dodgy AuPairfuckfest Fantasy as wrong. Especially as you are apparently so fond of him normally.
She brought you the problem and you havering about being non committal is not helping.

OP, I would be the same in your shoes. People's life can be complicated. My friend fancied her sports instructor rotten and subsequently said her sex life went through the roof. They are friends and now hang out as couples. Not much different, except her husband has never asked her. The object of her fantasy is nearly 20 years younger than her

This thread makes me think me how utterly deluded the majority of MN must be about relationships. Guess what: all your DHs also fantasise about other people (or at least the vast majority do). Other people are bound to affect their sex drives. If you're one of the lucky ones, they will direct this back into the marriage rather than shagging anyone else. The only unusual thing about the OP is that the DW knows the specifics.

Same applies to DWs of men (or women).

Our expectations are insane sometimes. No wonder so many relationships don't make it.

@chargers

Personally I think you have either not bothered to read the thread or have somehow just missed the point entirely.

It’s doesn’t make anyone a cool wife/partner to put up with shit like this.

A lot is different actually. This young woman is being ogled over in her place of work by her employer in her employers home, wanked over regularly and then discussed all over the WWW. She has been advised to be fired at least 3 times in this thread.
I hope she gets a new job soon.

Guess what: all your DHs also fantasise about other people (or at least the vast majority do).

Utterly fascinated to know how you know this is the case.

Utterly fascinated to know how you know this is the case.

Oh dear God. Cop yourself on.

Fantasising is fine (most people do it at some time) what isn’t fine is that this woman is living in their house and unknowingly is being discussed like she is an object by her employers. It is a fucked up situation for her. They need to consider this.
Personally I think that fantasising so much about someone so close to home can lead to pushing fantasies to become reality- maybe not with the object of you fantasies, but with somebody else, somebody new.

If I was Anne, I would be on hyper alert now, watching and suspecting. That is no way to live.

What does ‘cop yourself on’ mean? (A genuine question)

Cop yourself on basically means get a grip.

I don't think it requires a great deal of intelligence to see there's a difference between fantasising about random strangers and someone who is living in your house. Fantasising about a friend could be problematic too if the other partner twigs.

While women shouldn't have to leave jobs because some bloke fancies them, the reality is when a person is living in your house the setup has to work for everyone. At the moment it's not working for the wife, there's no reason why she should have to suck it up.

It's bloody annoying of the DH, but there's no actual option here, she has to go. Telling Anne to dump her DH over this instead LDR he au pair is not very realistic.

No Shambu the reality is the DH has to grow the fuck up and stop acting like some hormone riddled teenager and his stupid wife has to stop indulging him in his pathetic midlife fantasies. The whole thing is embarassing. No wonder the OP - aka wife - has gone missing, she is probably ashamed, and so she should be.

stupid wife

ashamed, and so she should be

Well, we MNers certainly don't need men to do women down - seems we do it perfectly well ourselves. So Anne is at fault. Right.