Cliche - attractive au pair...

[ImpyInk]

Right, new name and I'm also posting this on behalf of a friend (who's here with me), who wants the MN view on this but is worried about outing and doesn't want to become a MN member herself.

My friend, who I'll call Anne, and her DH, who I'll call Mark, have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and are basically soulmates. However, pressures of work and kids and exhaustion meant that their sex life had dwindled a lot in the last 4-5 years. Maximum of once a month in the last 2 years... until, in the summer, they got an au pair. Au pair is absolutely fantastic and Anne loves her. She's also very attractive and is in her late 20s, and Mark (early 40s) clearly finds her so. Suddenly, Mark's sex drive is through the roof. Anne and Mark having sex several times a week and Mark clearly also having "me time" fantasising about the au pair as well. Anne is pleased about sex life, but worried that she should be worried. There is no real threat - the au pair has a girlfriend, Mark is always completely appropriate with her in person, etc etc. Au pair is happy and unaware that Mark fancies the pants off her.

Perspectives? Should Anne worry or not?
TIA

Why is Mark a lech for fancying someone? We all fancy people, so are we all a lech?

I don't think it's weird for someone in a relationship to sometimes fantasise about people that aren't their DPs. But personally I think I'd be quite hurt if I knew my partner repeatedly or even exclusively thought about the same person especially a real one that he sees on a daily basis.

The wanking over her does sound creepy the way you describe it. Again, if I knew my boss once had a wank thinking about me I'd probably be grossed out but would forget about it sooner or later, given he always treated me professionally and with respect. But it's completely different if he did it regularly at work while I'm only a few meters away. If he gave in to it that often I don't think he'd be able to see me professionally anymore and I would feel violated if I found out.

I suppose Anne just has to face another uncomfortable talk with Mark about the whole situation to find out if she should be worried or not.

Why is Mark a lech for fancying someone? We all fancy people, so are we all a lech?

No, it’s the “indulging the attraction to the point where he’s sneaking off to have a wank while thinking about her” and the “sudden extra interest in shagging his wife because of all the pent-up sexual frustration from fancying his much-younger employee” that makes him a lech.

HTH

If I knew my employers were fantasising about me and Fucking whilst thinking about me I'd feel incredibly violated.

I wouldn't.

Also, I dare say most of us have been wanked about at some point in life, probably quite often when we were in our 20s. Has this harmed us, when we never knew...?
Thought police. And incredibly naive, I'd say.

'Mark' sounds like a randy old dog that wanders round humping inanimate objects.

Or a character from a really bad 70s porno.

Hi Anne 👋🏿👋🏿👋🏿

Mark is a prick for telling his wife he fancies the AP. What good was ever going to come of that? Really?
His wife is a loser for sticking with the dimwitted lech.
They both sound a bit ridiculous tbh.
Feel sorry for AP tbh having a group of middle class tossers discussing her in this way.

@fdgdfgdfgdfg

Hi Mark,

Go you sweetie 😘

Haha, I wish I could afford an au pair!

So was Mark avoiding and not really interested in sex before the au pair came along?

Come on! You know that by posting this on mumsnet you just give them licence to bash Mark?
He's human. He's normal. He's being honest. He's also not fucking the au pair. Give credit where credits due.

And I wonder what the response would be if a woman posted that the sexy new gardener has reignited her libido? Completely different I suspect.

Not sure I'd be comfortable however. I'd have to have a long discussion with DH about finding a new au pair but keeping the newfound lust.

I don't see anything wrong here. It's a bit like when you're on holiday. I swear you have sex loads because of all the half nakedness around the pool.

Go on...shoot me down.

I would probably keep the au pair and send the dh packing.

I agree Mark is an affair risk. The Status Quo will eat away at Anne’s Self Esteem & she will worry non stop. Honestly, if Jo got a bit drunk one night & made a pass at Mark how many here think he’d actually turn her down? I’d bet everything I had that he would jump straight into bed with her given the chance.

I've been an au pair. (And a nanny for 20+ years).

I've recruited 1000s of au pairs when I ran an agency.

This isn't fucking ok. It's skeezy.

I'd not feel happy that my DH needs to fantasies about an other women to have sex with me.... unless of course I was into that kind of thing...some partners are. It's a kink and they enjoy and encourage it.

They actually talk about the other woman or man whilst in the act.... although usually it tends to be more men that do this... guys with cuckold tendencies.... or women with cuckquean tendencies.

There's no threat because Jo has a boyfriend? When did that stop people. Has Anne never heard of affairs. If my safety net was the fact that Jo has a BF... what of if her relationship ends?

Variety is the spice of life...it sounds like Anne finds this all a turn on too.

I can't see this working for me in reality as I'd have to balance things by telling my DH I was fantasizing about Tom in accounts while DTD... OR the whole situation would knock my self-esteem... that I'd most likely feel the need for validation and decide to find a man who can have sex with me, without thinking of our aupair.

It's okay to find other people attractive... but it's the fantasizing element that concerns me. Most especially because she's your employee.

Look at it this way...

"I/We employed an au pair to look after our DC... and I'm only getting decent through the roof sex because my DH fantasizes about her while having sex with me/or in order to have sex with me"

@SandyY2K

Whilst agreeing with your general sentiment I am pretty sure Jo is in a same sex relationship so unless Mark plans on losing 20 years and developing breast I suspect he will never be her type...

Marks feelings on the other hand are an issue and may be indicative of some broader dissatisfaction - who knows, it all seems a little odd and as other past posters have indicated the best thing for all concerned (with perhaps the exception of the entirety innocent Jo) would be to remove the au pair from this scenario and concentrate on making what was previously a successful relationship work once again

Good look to both Anne and Mark, don’t drag Jo into your own insecurities - sadly removing Jo from this equation is the only way everyone involved can have a chance to move on

@HirooOnoda

Whilst agreeing with your general sentiment I am pretty sure Jo is in a same sex relationship

She's not, as corrected by the OP.

Sorry, that was a misprint, - the au pair has a boyfriend, not a girlfriend

Anne is interested in all perspectives, but yes she largely wanted reassurance.

Go for it...ask her for a 3some.
(reassuring enough?!)

Ultimately, the au pair attraction isn't the core issue. The core issue is that the husband isn't attracted to the wife anymore for some reason, as evidenced by their lack of sex life before the crush brought his sex drive up.
Whether or not indulging the attraction to the au pair is wrong, on his behalf, (I think it is wrong, for the record,) if the sex with the wife would die off when the au pair leaves, there's a huge issue.
The husband needs to figure out what he wants, and if he doesn't want the wife sexually anymore, he needs to let her know, so she can go find someone who does want her.

But but but...

We all think about the people we are attracted to! You can't say, 'well it's ok for him to have a crush but not ok to fantasise.' We all fantasise about people we are attracted to - it's human, it's normal. It doesn't make him a bad person. How is it possible to be really attracted to someone but never give them a second thought? How exactly is he supposed to repress all thoughts of Jo?

Secondly, he is choosing to remain faithful to his wife. So it's not as simple as saying he's only having sex with her because he can't have the woman he wants. He hasn't tried to sleep with Jo because he wants Anne. He has a deep and lasting bond with Anne that he wants to preserve. Perhaps he is a grown up who understands that lustful feelings for a long term partner tend to mellow with time into something more sustainable, and the stuff he feels for Jo is shallow and will not last. So he's just enjoying it for what it is and channelling it back into his marriage (which people are often advised to do on here if a crush is making them feel sexy.)

If everybody left their long term partners because they had thought about someone else, there would be no marriages left surely? I just don't get it. Of course he's not filled with hot lust for his wife 24/7 after 18 years - that's just not realistic. But it sounds like he's actively choosing his marriage because he recognises the feelings he has for Anne are more meaningful than the lust he feels for the ap.

You can't be everybody's everything forever. I don't recognise the ideal marriages I see portrayed on Mumsnet, where even thoughts of other people are out of bounds and one is expected to be everlastingly hot for ones partner even after decades together. I don't know anyone who has a marriage like this?

Right, OP here. Thanks to all for posting.
Anne has been reading and digesting, finding lots of this useful, although some posts (the ones totally villainising of Mark) just don't ring true. I can also (having known Mark my whole adult life) vouch for him being a decent man, and not at all "a letch" (incidentally, I've also seen him chatting with Anne and Jo and saw nothing at all untoward).

So, Anne doesn't think Mark is "imagining Jo" when they have sex. He has told her as much (and why would he like when he's been so open about other things?). She thinks Jo's presence is putting Mark in the mood, but that he is focused on her when they're together.
However, he clearly does think about Jo this way at other times, and is obviously very attracted to her.

Anne is considering carefully the advice to sack Jo. It's very difficult, because one of her kids has SN and Jo has really connected with him.

Thanks again.

To avoid confusion, saying "he is obviously very attracted to her" means it's obvious to Anne. Not to Jo (as far as can be seen).

Poor Anne. Always the last to know.