Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cliche - attractive au pair...

233 replies

ImpyInk · 15/10/2018 12:29

Right, new name and I'm also posting this on behalf of a friend (who's here with me), who wants the MN view on this but is worried about outing and doesn't want to become a MN member herself.

My friend, who I'll call Anne, and her DH, who I'll call Mark, have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and are basically soulmates. However, pressures of work and kids and exhaustion meant that their sex life had dwindled a lot in the last 4-5 years. Maximum of once a month in the last 2 years... until, in the summer, they got an au pair. Au pair is absolutely fantastic and Anne loves her. She's also very attractive and is in her late 20s, and Mark (early 40s) clearly finds her so. Suddenly, Mark's sex drive is through the roof. Anne and Mark having sex several times a week and Mark clearly also having "me time" fantasising about the au pair as well. Anne is pleased about sex life, but worried that she should be worried. There is no real threat - the au pair has a girlfriend, Mark is always completely appropriate with her in person, etc etc. Au pair is happy and unaware that Mark fancies the pants off her.

Perspectives? Should Anne worry or not?
TIA

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 15/10/2018 13:27

I feel so sorry for the au pair.
She risks losing her job because Anne’s husband is using her as a wanking aid .
The au pair is probably aware that he fancies her. We women just know these things.
Next time Anne should hire a young stud as an au pair.

FlyingMonkeys · 15/10/2018 13:28

Maybe Mark finds Jo attractive because she's clearly an attractive girl as you stated. Maybe Mark is irritated Anne quizzed him on if he finds Jo attractive as he doesn't want to tell a blatant lie, but didn't rush to express she's attractive. Sex life could be 'through the roof', as Jo helping with the 3 kids means Mark & Anne are no longer knackered? - just another perspective. If it was a male attractive Au Pair and Anne thought so, how would Mark feel?

TatterdemalionAspie · 15/10/2018 13:30

Tell Anne and Mark to watch this series... www.amazon.com/I-Love-Dick-Season-1/dp/B01J77H8YC?tag=mumsnetforum-21 Wink

I feel a bit sorry for Mark, really - he can't help being attracted to Jo, and he doesn't seem to have actually done anything wrong. Presumably he wasn't the one who mentioned his crush, he just answered Anne's questions honestly. Sounds like Anne is being pretty mature about the whole thing. I doubt that Jo is as oblivious to the situation as you seem to think, though.

I agree that it's a high risk situation, though. Even if Mark is a model of propriety and the attraction isn't reciprocated, it's a disaster waiting to happen to be living in the same house as someone you're very attracted to and expect there to be no fall out.

As for all the 'wank sock' and 'urgh, disgusting living with a man who wanks over you'... don't you think that it's pretty common for people to fantasise about someone other than the person they're having sex with/married to? Hmm I'm sure lots of people figure in the fantasies of others, including their boss/postman/brother in law/whomever - as long they don't know about it, there's no problem. The inside of someone's head is a private place, no?

Snowymountainsalways · 15/10/2018 13:30

Someone should tell Mark to let the au pair go himself and immediately, that would give Anne a good reason to think he loved her deeply and is committed to their marriage and that will always be his first priority.

He should apologise for his 'moment of madness' and pledge to look after his wife going forward. Next time he sees someone he finds attractive he needs to remember the 18 years and 3 children he has had with Anne, and show her some respect by turning the other way.

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2018 13:30

I find it surprising that both you and Anne seem to be ok with this.

He fancies rhe au pair, there is no way rhe au pair doesn't know this. He's got it so bad he's wanking over her and shagging his wife more because of it.

I know of no woman who would be ok with this. And yet here we apparently have two.

My problem would not be with the au pair. It would be with the letching perv I'm married to. I don't know what's wrong with Anne's self esteem but her husband has suddenly started wanting sex with her only because he's fantasing about the au pair and he's turned on by the thought or proximity of her.

Not for me. I couldn't have sex with a man under that premise. I genuinely don't know how she can. Knowing if the au pair left her husband wouldn't want to have sex with her again. It really is grim.

Sarcelle · 15/10/2018 13:37

Basically Mark wants a lot of sex with his wife because he fancies the hired help. He is so turned on he has managed to reignite an old flame by thinking about another person entirely. That is massively disrespectful to his wife and the au pair. The au pair and the wife should both LTB!

S0upertrooper · 15/10/2018 13:38

I think Ann needs the help of a relationship counsellor to untangle her feelings, with or without Mark there.

I think it's ok to have a crush and yes it can spice things up but I think this is too close to home (literally) and has the potential to cause a lot of hurt for Ann in particular.

Shambu · 15/10/2018 13:39

I totally agree au pair knows well he fancies her. I hope to god she doesn't know how far it goes though. Well, I think if had any inkling she'd have left.

ButtPlugInMyHalloweenHaul · 15/10/2018 13:40

But OP this situation is not about what is actually happening but what what it indicates about Anne and Marks marriage. Also saying if Mark hadn't spilt the beans, Anne wouldn't be any wiser is nonsense as she is having more and better sex as well as her spider senses being all over this.
The thing that would disturb me is what all this INDICATES about my marriage. That I, as a woman am not enough. The marriage has to have the 'added value' of Jo (either physically or metaphysically) for it to function as it should and that would have me re-evaluating my marriage entirely.
These facts cannot be got away from. Yes Mark has been 'honest' enough to answer her questions but it's neither here nor there in reality. The stark facts speak for themselves and if I was Anne I would be separating from my DH as I would know for the rest of my life that I was never enough and I value myself as a person.

Snowymountainsalways · 15/10/2018 13:45

I can't think this is the first time it has happened in 18 years either...Mark was very comfortable being 'honest' for the first time, almost too comfortable. This kind of honesty most marriages can do without. Perhaps if Anne asked more questions she could get more answers than she bargained for....

FlyingMonkeys · 15/10/2018 13:45

So if Jo gets sacked, Anne and Mark hire an Au pair Mark wouldn't touch with a barge pole... And his sex drive remains the same because they're not knackered all the time? Will Anne suggest he must 'fancy the new au pair'? I doubt Mark has admitted to wanking over Jo. It sounds like Anne has surmised that...

CinnaMessala · 15/10/2018 13:50

@SpoonBlender

“What's counselling going to tell Mark? Recommend that he (a) doesn't fuck the au pair, (b) doesn't let Jo know about the attraction, and (c) be honest with Anne and keep a loving relationship going”

Counsellors don’t “tell” or “recommend” A course of action. They help you figure out your feelings / motivations behind your own actions.

Mark goes and talks about why he no longer feels attracted to his wife, as he once did. Explores how his relationship has changed, and reflects on how he actually feels about this.

Mark could be fantasising about his youth, fantasising of the days in his 20s when he and Anne had a different kind of a relationship and a different kind of sex life.

Or Mark might realise he’s actually avoiding sex with Anne as he no longer fancies her. He fancies other women. But he’s afraid to act on those feelings because he doesn’t want to lose his married life, his wife, his kids.

Mark needs to sort his shit out. Mark shouldn’t be masturbating thinking about his employee, just one wall away from him.

I don’t believe for one second that Jo can’t tell. I think Anne is just in deep denial and doesn’t want to see. Like pretending her husband being sexually aroused by Jo’s body isn’t really sexualising her. She’s not a famous movie star he’s fantasising running into one day. She’s a few feet away from him and he’s getting aroused by her proximity.

Something is wrong with you and Anne. Yuck.

Shambu · 15/10/2018 13:53

Au pair is very professionally turning a blind eye. Which is a lot of women have to do to keep employed. I think she might draw the line at being wanked over though. I know I would.

Robin2323 · 15/10/2018 13:55

I wondered about Anne suddenly have a new Lease of life because she's got an ap took after the kids.

With Anne's sudden joy and increased energy levels , this is something that mark would find very attractive.

TheStoic · 15/10/2018 13:57

With Anne's sudden joy and increased energy levels , this is something that mark would find very attractive.

I’m pretty sure that is not what Mark is finding attractive.

SpoonBlender · 15/10/2018 13:59

@CinnaMessala I apologise for having a healthy relationship and expecting that other people can have one too. Flowers

Snowymountainsalways · 15/10/2018 14:04

SpoonBlender I am not sure 'healthy' is how everyone would describe it Spoon.
There is one thing in actively participating jointly in fantasy, quite another for only half of the couple doing it while the other is left 'grateful' for increased intimacy, and she is forced to see the (attractive) reason for her increased intimacy every single morning over breakfast. There is nothing healthy about that!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/10/2018 14:07

FFS! If this was their daughter and her older employer and her wife were using his sexual fantasies of her to kick start their sex lives would she be happy? I bet not.

^^ This.

Yes, we all feel attracted to people other than our OH's sometimes, but this is taking it to a new level and is downright creepy. She's in their home, ffs, and as PP's said, he's wanking over her and using her as a sex aid. Ugh.

For the au pair's own sake, I think Anne should tell her to start looking for a new job (give her plenty of time until she has a new one) and hire someone else. My neighbors have a male au pair...now I'm wondering if there's a reason!

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 15/10/2018 14:07

Anne want to employ a nice Manny called Sven and see how Mark likes that over the breakfast table.

I suggest Anne works on her self esteem and tells Mark to keep his icky thoughts to himself.

Poor Jo. #teamSven.

FlyingMonkeys · 15/10/2018 14:08

I'm interested if Anne wanted sex more frequently prior to hiring Jo? Is the increase in sex drive purely Mark's? Was Anne running the bulk of the household, working FT, looking after the kids and all their activities? Was Anne too tired for frequent sex?

noego · 15/10/2018 14:19

Personally I cannot take this seriously!!

I think Anne and OP have gone to lunch to meet with their publisher/producer.

FlyingMonkeys · 15/10/2018 14:23

noego Yes, it does all sound quite strange... Are AP's generally late 20's? I always thought it was younger people doing it as a means of pocket money/low cost living whilst studying? If OP had stated 'Nanny' it might sound slightly more plausible (ish)...

YuhBasic · 15/10/2018 14:29

Anne needs to dig deep and find some self respect.

I can’t even imagine how desperate you’d need to be in order to have sex with someone you KNOW FOR A FACT is fantasising about someone else - even if it were Angelina Jolie.

The fact it’s the au pair is 100 times more humiliating!

DastardlyDoris · 15/10/2018 14:30

Ew. The poor au pair. This is absolutely grim for her.

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2018 14:51

God rhe thought of him wanking over her when she's in the next room or them having sex whilst he's fantasising about her and she's in the next room actually makes me shudder. 🤮🤮🤮