Cliche - attractive au pair...

[ImpyInk]

Right, new name and I'm also posting this on behalf of a friend (who's here with me), who wants the MN view on this but is worried about outing and doesn't want to become a MN member herself.

My friend, who I'll call Anne, and her DH, who I'll call Mark, have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and are basically soulmates. However, pressures of work and kids and exhaustion meant that their sex life had dwindled a lot in the last 4-5 years. Maximum of once a month in the last 2 years... until, in the summer, they got an au pair. Au pair is absolutely fantastic and Anne loves her. She's also very attractive and is in her late 20s, and Mark (early 40s) clearly finds her so. Suddenly, Mark's sex drive is through the roof. Anne and Mark having sex several times a week and Mark clearly also having "me time" fantasising about the au pair as well. Anne is pleased about sex life, but worried that she should be worried. There is no real threat - the au pair has a girlfriend, Mark is always completely appropriate with her in person, etc etc. Au pair is happy and unaware that Mark fancies the pants off her.

Perspectives? Should Anne worry or not?
TIA

He's had plenty of time to stop being a dick and he hasn't. What on earth makes you think he's going to stop now? He can stop himself wanking and having sex with his wife but he's not going to stop fancying the au pair.

Anne doesn't owe this woman a job to the point that she has to abnegate herself to let the woman keep it.

There are many professional relationships in which physical attraction on either side is inappropriate and best stepped away from.

No idea why you think the wife should be ashamed, she hasn't done anything.

Poor Anne & poor Jo.

It's obvious Anne needs to terminate Jo's contract, she'd be doing Jo a favour getting her out of that toxic environment.

Why is Anne continuing to have frequent sex with Mark under these circumstances anyway? Has she no self respect?

Shambu she should be ashamed providing a spunk sock fanny for DH to carry out his au pair fantasies and she should also be ashamed for not immediately getting rid of her bellend of a DH. Poor au pair has done nothing wrong here at all but it looks like she will end up being the scapegoat here.

You sound like some twisted 19th c parson.

He's human. He's normal. He's being honest. He's also not fucking the au pair. Give credit where credits due

Bloody hell. Well; without this thread, I'd never have known that I need to be endlessly grateful to my husband for not fuck au pair.

Just for the record; does that mean he should be grateful for fucking the mechanic? Or the plumber?

There's no credit due for not fucking the au pair. Seriously.

Maybe I am shambu 😂😂 😂😂😂

I don't think that calls to LTB are warranted or helpful tbh. I think we can all agree that fantasising is fine and normal, but that in this case it is problematic because of the circumstances of who it is and also because it appears that Mark is only having sex with Anne because Jo makes him horny.

I think that in this situation, if I were Anne I would make it very clear that it was unacceptable to wank over the au pair, unacceptable to use both women in this way, and unacceptable for things to continue as they are. I'd tell him that I was certainly not going to be having sex with him until he sorts his head out, accepts how fucked up the situation is, and stops this shit. It is perfectly possible to stop a crush and definitely possible not to wank or have sex over one, even if this means he actively spends as much time as possible out of the house when she is there. Give her more time off ( on the same pay, of course).
I think I would also insist on relationship counselling and that would be a deal breaker for me. If he wants to make his marriage work then he needs to work on improving it and his respect for his wife.

Ultimately, whilst it is shitty to let Jo go over this, I think the fairest thing for everyone would be to offer to pay her three months pay, plus a choice of 2 month's rent somewhere or her fare home. I think I would even be honest about the reason. (Not the details, just Mark has developed a crush on her and it would be unfair to employ her in these circumstances). Ensure that she knows that there is nothing she has done wrong and that you will, of course, give her a glowing reference. Did she come through an agency? If so I would hope that she would get another job quickly, though you would of course have to go through the indignity of explaining to the agency why you are letting her go and yet supplying a first-class reference, but again, I think it will be best to be honest.

I think Anne has had a bit of an unecessary kicking on this thread. Plenty of women have low self-esteem, there's no need to beat her up over this.