Cliche - attractive au pair...

[ImpyInk]

Right, new name and I'm also posting this on behalf of a friend (who's here with me), who wants the MN view on this but is worried about outing and doesn't want to become a MN member herself.

My friend, who I'll call Anne, and her DH, who I'll call Mark, have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and are basically soulmates. However, pressures of work and kids and exhaustion meant that their sex life had dwindled a lot in the last 4-5 years. Maximum of once a month in the last 2 years... until, in the summer, they got an au pair. Au pair is absolutely fantastic and Anne loves her. She's also very attractive and is in her late 20s, and Mark (early 40s) clearly finds her so. Suddenly, Mark's sex drive is through the roof. Anne and Mark having sex several times a week and Mark clearly also having "me time" fantasising about the au pair as well. Anne is pleased about sex life, but worried that she should be worried. There is no real threat - the au pair has a girlfriend, Mark is always completely appropriate with her in person, etc etc. Au pair is happy and unaware that Mark fancies the pants off her.

Perspectives? Should Anne worry or not?
TIA

Nope, this is not normal imo. Mark needs to get a grip on himself (and not his penis). I would not consider having sex with a man who is clearly only using me as a live sex doll.

If he thought he could do better - off you fuck....

#teamsven haha!

I think Anne should toddle off and find herself a Sven once she is free of Mark. Mark can go and see if he can do 'better' than Anne. He won't. Anne is lovely and intuitive and is way too good for him but all women that marry men marry beneath themseves anyway

If Mark fancies Jo to the extent that both his ex life has rocketed and he is also needing to wank about her I strongly doubt she is unaware of it. But if she likes her job she is probably choosing to ignore it.
Mark seems to have no respect for any of woman he alleges he likes. He can't help having a crush but the responsible thing to do is to find another au pair and refocus on finding Anne attractive for herself. Having repeated sexual fantasies about someone living under your roof who isn't your sexual partner isn't respectful or sensible for anyone.

This is 100% a reverse I reckon.

In Candyland I'm sure a man won't be attracted to any women other than his wife. In reality, if women could read men's minds no one would be married or at least expectations would be reduced. I don't see anything in Mark's behaviour that I see as unusual in men. He hasn't acted or anything and has been honest, that's about all you can ask for. I know with my girlfriend we have talked about mutual people we know who we find attractive. It's no reflection on either of us and if anything it makes me feel much more secure in my relationship. I don't have to tiptoe on eggshells and neither does she. And no we aren't swingers haha

I'm not sure what I think about this. I can understand that people may feel it's a risky situation, and also that it's possibly a bit yuck for the au pair. Believe me, I am no shitty male behaviour apologist.

BUT. A man is not a dirty old bastard just because he feels an attraction for someone else. This woman isn't a teenager, she's in her late twenties. And fantasising about someone you're really attracted to during masturbation is completely normal - we all do it! His wife did ask.

As long as he behaves completely appropriately around the au pair then the situation is salvageable. It may be that they want to give the au pair some notice to find a new job, or it may be that his crush fizzles out. If his wife is happy with the increased sex then that is her look out.

The au pair doesn't necessarily know (although she may.) How many threads do we see on here with women wringing their hands because they just can't work out whether their crush fancies them back? We can't always tell and if he's behaving properly then she may not be aware.

Having said all that, if it was my husband, I'd feel pretty rotten.

There is nothing wrong with Mark being attracted to Jo; both men and women fantasize about people other than their partners. Trouble is, Jo lives with them. Mark should put an end to that if he values his marriage.

I think it's fucking grim in all honesty.

I think Mark is an affair risk.

Mark wants more than Anne and is over focussing on Jo. The world is full of sexy people. But he wants HER. There’s more to this.

Sounds like Mark shot himself in the foot by answering the question with a straight bat rather than seeing it as the request for reassurance it was. The rest sounds like filling in the gaps by Anne tbh as a result of not getting that reassurance. The queue of angery MNetters demonising Mark is predictable. The best thing Anne and Mark can do is get a new Au Pair as the poor girl doesn't need to be the centre of marital strife.

Ooh @twenty I think you might be right. I hadn’t thought of it like that. Whether the op is “mark” or “Anne” i don’t think they’re just an outside observer. So you may well be right, certainly the language you quoted would point to a partner who thought they’d done nothing wrong!

Bloody hell, poor Mark.

All we actually know is that the poor bloke gets a bit of a crush, it pops into his head while he's having a wank, and that rather than acting on it he's redirecting it towards his marriage.

I very much doubt hes actively fantasising about it while he's shagging Anne. As a bloke I can say with some authority that there's not a lot going through our minds during sex other than "Yay, sex!"

I doubt that he's actively trying to think about Jo when he's wanking either, its probably more along the lines of "Annes tits, random tits I saw in porn, completely imaginary tits, Jo's tits, other tits from porn... aaaand I'm done." We're not exactly going for elaborate mental scenarios in that situation.

The only thing I can really see than he's done wrong here is admit that he fancies Jo, but the moment Anne opened that can of worms it was never going to go well.

And as for the people saying that Jo must have noticed the "letching", the only information that Anne used to work this out is the increased sex drive, which presumably is information that Jo is not privy too.

“As a bloke I can say with some authority that there's not a lot going through our minds during sex other than "Yay, sex!"

Oh goody. A spokesman for what all men think.

I'd say Jo knows, let's face it we all know (unless perhaps we have autism or Asperger's?) when a man fancies us. It's obvious.

Unfortunately Jo should probably move on, she can get another job and she'll get over it. Mark is still an affair risk tho. The thing about Jo not being a risk because she has a bf - a. Not true and b. How sad she's not a risk only because she's not single.

@AbsentmindedAlice Fair enough, I'll admit that its entirely possible that not all blokes get as gormless and singleminded over sex as I do

So he's shagging his wife whilst thinking about the au pair. Lovely.

@absentmindedalice

Still, as a man I expect he has more insight into what men think than most women. Or would you be just as happy to have a woman's opinion dismissed in such a way?

If I knew my employers were fantasising about me and Fucking whilst thinking about me I'd feel incredibly violated. What Mark is doing is disgusting, what Anne is doing in letting him continue is equally disgusting. She is a human woman, not your living breathing porn.

Nah, Still not buying it!!

OP username impyink and the post is eloquently written.

Anne needs to get some self respect and ditch either the sleazy husband or the innocent au pair.

She is literally being used for her vagina because he can't get into the one he wants.

I agree with Hopoindown I don’t think fdggfd post was patronising or anything other than a genuine attempt to assist the OP.

Well HB2Me, as a woman, I can tell you that women do find it patronising. And because I’m a woman I have more insight than a man in how women think.

See how that comes across?

I’ve seen the word “grim” used in this thread a lot and that’s exactly how I would feel about it if my husband was so over-excited by the childminder that he was suddenly trying to get a leg over all the time and sneaking off for a wank while thinking about her.

Just no. It would have the inverse effect on my libido.

Is this your ‘friend’ or you, OP? If your ‘friend’ was worried about outing herself by posting on here and people knowing who she is, then they’re gunna know anyway by you posting

The husband sounds like a sleaze. It’s okay to find other people attractive whilst married but to wank over her when she’s looking after his kids is a bit weird

It’s obviously a problem for you/your ‘friend’ otherwise there wouldn’t have been a need to post this.