Cliche - attractive au pair...

[ImpyInk]

Right, new name and I'm also posting this on behalf of a friend (who's here with me), who wants the MN view on this but is worried about outing and doesn't want to become a MN member herself.

My friend, who I'll call Anne, and her DH, who I'll call Mark, have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and are basically soulmates. However, pressures of work and kids and exhaustion meant that their sex life had dwindled a lot in the last 4-5 years. Maximum of once a month in the last 2 years... until, in the summer, they got an au pair. Au pair is absolutely fantastic and Anne loves her. She's also very attractive and is in her late 20s, and Mark (early 40s) clearly finds her so. Suddenly, Mark's sex drive is through the roof. Anne and Mark having sex several times a week and Mark clearly also having "me time" fantasising about the au pair as well. Anne is pleased about sex life, but worried that she should be worried. There is no real threat - the au pair has a girlfriend, Mark is always completely appropriate with her in person, etc etc. Au pair is happy and unaware that Mark fancies the pants off her.

Perspectives? Should Anne worry or not?
TIA

*So what is the answer?
*
There isn't one apart from get an ugly au-pair who he doesn't fancy. Still doesn't make what he has done any better. Maybe if she gets through this they may need to look at spicing their sex life up so he fantasises about her and not someone else, but he has crossed something of a line really

Difficult one. Its clearly a becoming an issue for Anne and once noticed is unlikely to go away. As a woman I'd say if it started to be that noticeable to me and worry me then I'd probably need to end the au pair contract in due course. It could end up driving her mad.

And sad to stay there are stereotypes about these situations because they can turn out to be a risk that comes true (she says thinking of her neighbour....).

Just to be clear if my dh pulled a stunt like this, he would be out on his hairy backside with all the me time he could wish for, I would keep the au pair.

Anne doesn't want to ask Jo (au pair's new "name") to leave, and wouldn't know how to ask her if she did. Jo would be gutted.

Well in that case, she either leaves Mark to his wanking, or continues to be ‘Jo’ in bed for him.

It is quite worrying that it's been declared the au pair isn't a threat just because she has a boyfriend. Does that mean if she was single shed be a threat as Mark would be trying to start something?

By the way, are you actually Mark?

OK, so what is the solution?

They need to the let Jo go

Mark needs to grow the fuck up and stop being a dirty old bastard

Anne needs to get some self-respect

Oh come on, what’s he supposed to do? Slap himself on the cheek whenever he thinks about her that way?

So is it inappropriate whenever a “bored housewife” - if we’re using cliche’s - finds excuses to hang around the gas fitter / builder / gardener?

And that is a cliche for a reason. One of my close friends is a (pretty good looking, admittedly) gas engineer and gets obvious come-ons on two or three jobs a week.

And personally as someone who is with my soulmate. If he was fantasizing so much about someone in our house that he suddenly wanted to have sex with me lots just to fantasize about said person. Either she or he would be leaving. It's far too close to home and he clearly isn't that sexually attracted to his wife anymore.

OK, so what is the solution?

Anne doesn't want to ask Jo (au pair's new "name") to leave, and wouldn't know how to ask her if she did. Jo would be gutted.

That is the only solution that will really work here to be honest for a lot of reasons.

Anything else (him being told to stay away from her/ not mention it/ be open with her and make it into a joke) will just make it worse.

And has Mark actually done anything wrong? All his "crimes" are, as someone pointed out earlier, thought crimes, or crimes of over-honesty.

You are missing the point. It doesn't matter whether he has done anything wrong NOW. The point is that this is a HIGH RISK SITUATION. If she/they wants to protect their marriage the au pair has to go.

It's a choice.

It's like going for a late night drink after work alone with a colleague you really fancy. Going for the drink actually is innocuous. It is the choice to go that it the problem - because there is a huge risk of inhibitions being removed + aloneness + attraction = something happening.

Protect the marriage = avoid the risk.

The poor au pair - living in a house where her boss is wanking while thinking about her only a few feet away in a different room.

Right, thank you all. This has given lots of food for thought for "Anne", who appreciates all the posts, even the ones she finds uncomfortable to read.

We are going out for lunch, and won't be checking back for a while (although we will later this evening).

Thanks again.

And no, I'm not Mark!!

Well, it is not abnormal human behaviour but I think it would concern me. To be someone's intense sexual crush and live in the home is not a great think. A wise person would remove the temptation..

There are two issues here - what is best for your friend and what is best for the au pair.
Surely your friend can see this is a really horrible situation for the au pair? She can't really be oblivious to it.

What's counselling going to tell Mark? Recommend that he (a) doesn't fuck the au pair, (b) doesn't let Jo know about the attraction, and (c) be honest with Anne and keep a loving relationship going.

So, no change then.

As a pp said Mark is damned (by Mumsnet) if he does, damned (by Mumsnet) if he doesn't. If he wasn't channelling the extra attraction back to Anne he'd just be wanking twice as often and probably feel more guilty about it, leading to a worse environment.

This is a really twisted dynamic.
The DH is using the wife for sex because he's getting turned on by the nanny, not because he actually fancies the wife.
Yuck.

100% agree with PP

and

They’re both using ‘the au pair’ as a sex aid, whether she knows it or not.

This is her workplace.

I feel sorry for the Au Pair.

Both husband and wife need to have a serious discussion and get a new Au Pair and a divorce.

If this were an office not a home and somebody's boss admitted to wanking about an employee whilst they were on the office premises responses would be very different.

Jesus. Ok , there are always people who you find attractive but fantasizing about them whilst having sex with your oh? And your oh knowing? How can that be nice for your friend??

Well firstly, it’s very clear that you are “Anne”. And your pervy creep of a husband is thinking about the au pair whilst shagging you. Are you honestly ok with that? And my god, the poor au pair. She must feel so uncomfortable whilst your husband is dribbling over his cornflakes every morning. Let the au pair go, it is NOT working. Your kids will pick up on it soon.

Over lunch perhaps you could talk to Anne and ask her why on earth she thinks any of this is okay? Mark has crossed quite a few lines by most o our standards. If it were not this au pair it would be another girl....

I think Anne has a cheating husband, and in time she will find out that the 'me time' and attraction to the au pair is just the tip of the iceberg.

Be prepared to be there for your friend, and help her through the next year or two because I don't think her 'soul mate' is the man she thinks he is. I wish her all the best I am she could do with one of these.

Hang on.

Has Mark told his wife he is wanking and thinking about the Aupair?

Are they honestly going to risk damaging their marriage because they rather like the au pair?

Well firstly, it’s very clear that you are “Anne”

@Wellfuckmeinbothear I think it's a reverse and it's Mark or Mark's buddy.

this is the kicker: And has Mark actually done anything wrong? All his "crimes" are, as someone pointed out earlier, thought crimes, or crimes of over-honesty.

If the au pair knew, do you think she would be comfortable with this? I would hate to be caught in this twisted ménage a trois with my employer wanking over me, DH and and DW shagging while he's thinking of me and she's thinking of England.

I can't understand why Anne doesn't have the boundaries to know this is all very fucked up and inappropriate. Where's her self respect?

She's trying so hard to consider her horny DH that she hasn't considered herself or the au pair.

I disagree with most of the above posters. If it's not affecting the au pair, and it's improving their sex life, what's the harm?

Who amongst us never thinks of no one but our sanctioned partner? I once had a mega crush on a guy at work. I didn't do anything about it, but I took that energy home and it had a very positive effect on my relationship. Obvs DP has no idea about exactly why (and it may not have been quite so positive if he had), but it did us good, and I soon lost interest in the other person.

Hang on - all these "of course the au pair knows" posts - HOW??

If "Mark" acts fine around her, then what is the problem? And even if she could tell that he finds her attractive, so what? It's a problem to find someone attractive? I'm sure she's used to people finding her attractive. It's only an issue, surely, if someone acts on it. He's acting appropriately, so how on earth is this harming "Jo"?