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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:

Velvetbee · 04/10/2018 10:02

Run.

Mummydearest12 · 04/10/2018 10:03

Urgh - so early on ... is it worth it ?

Jaxtellerswife · 04/10/2018 10:03

Nope, he's showing all the early warning signs of being a controlling partner now he's laid a couple of months groundwork.
If o was you (and I have been) get out, get gone and get rid!

peachgreen · 04/10/2018 10:03

Ugh. Get out now.

Original poster

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:04

he was so different to being with. i could do no wrong at the start

OP posts:

Velvetbee · 04/10/2018 10:06

Oo, posted too soon.
It’s not his job to tell you how to be but to marvel at the wonderfulness that is you. He should adore you just as you are and if not find a woman who is happy to be dressed to the nines all the time.
He doesn’t want a real person he wants a doll who is an extension of his fantasies.

Definatelydone · 04/10/2018 10:06

This is a massive red flag for someone who is controlling and objectifing women... not healthy. If he has issues with how you look and who you are then kick him to the curb.

Grumpyoldblonde · 04/10/2018 10:07

They're all lovely in the beginning and now he's showing you his true self.

Dump and run.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 04/10/2018 10:08

Tbh you should have run as soon as he started telling you how wonderful you were in comparison to his ex. That right there is a big red flag.

As for the rest, I can’t stress enough how far away from him you need to get.

AuLoinSontVontLesNuages · 04/10/2018 10:12

Your body - Your choices.

And you're only 5 months in

Run. Fast. Far

E20mom · 04/10/2018 10:12

Get rid of him as soon as possible!

Overyou · 04/10/2018 10:13

I would hate just one of those comments. You don’t need his help re your make-up/tan/arsehole.

JeanHarlow · 04/10/2018 10:13

Run for the hills! It will only get worse you deserve better.

PortiaCastis · 04/10/2018 10:15

Run, tell him to get his arsehole waxed and on his way out of your door tell him he's a controlling maggot

Aprilislonggone · 04/10/2018 10:15

Op you now realise you actually have 2 arse holes don't you?!

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2018 10:17

This can't be real. I mean seriously, he asked you to get your arsehole waxed? 🤣🤣🤣

Dump him. He obviously sees women as simply something to look at, some form of sex toy. Get rid, before he drags you down.

SandAndSea · 04/10/2018 10:18

Me and my hairy arsehole think you should end it. Very soon. Preferably today.

Most women would agree with me.

Casperandme · 04/10/2018 10:20

Op have you heard of the idealise - devalue - discard cycle? It’s worth looking into as it sounds like that’s what he’s doing to you. I’ve been there too - when a man thinks you’re perfect then when he realises you’re an actual real person they resent you for not living up to their rediculous fantasy

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2018 10:20

Just say to him " look I've had a think about it, and you're right, most women don't want a hairy arsehole. So as that's what you are, off you pop".

Verbena87 · 04/10/2018 10:21

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)

My arsehole is hairy and massively scarred up from granular heal of my extended episiotomy. My husband still thinks I’m a sexy bitch and honestly what I wouldn’t want after my birth injuries is any extra bum-pain, especially pain that is both voluntary and unnecessary.

most women want to be on the pill.

Really? I think most women would prefer not to have to think about contraception. Perhaps he’d like a vasectomy if he doesn’t like condoms?

most women like to wear heels, how come you dont?

Because I actually like the feeling of not having a misaligned spine?!

I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.

?!?

queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.

Most women would do what the fuck they like, as you have.

regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).

You don’t fuck in your knickers. Why isn’t he wearing sexy underwear? Is it because he’d feel ridiculous and demeaned in wedgie-causing bits of lace? Why would an extra X chromosome affect those feelings?

He sounds like a grade a tosser. Run away.

Original poster

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:22

wow, wasnt expecting these comments.

if you met him you would think he was pleasant. he can talk the talk very well.

as for the hairy arsehole - he actually said most women wouldnt want that, why do you. i had no clue what to say as it wasnt something i had discussed with girflfriends before.

all these things are said in a really calm way - then when i react, im dramatic

OP posts:

Caselgarcia · 04/10/2018 10:22

Yeah, I'd ask him why he doesn't get his back, sac and crack waxed properly.

Angelf1sh · 04/10/2018 10:22

Why are you still with this guy?

Verbena87 · 04/10/2018 10:22

bluntness you’re the best. Just made me laugh out loud. OP ignore my rant and just go with that answer instead.

Original poster

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:22

bluntless laughed a lot at your comment!

OP posts:

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