What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

[user4671]

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

Text him this.

"I've decided to get my arsehole waxed, when should I book you in for?"

all these things are said in a really calm way - then when i react, im dramatic

Jesus.

I'm copy and pasting my standard post for mumsnetters who are in relationships with arseholes and think that their OH is a mostly great guy and that all relationships are like this, etc.:

THIS IS NOT WHAT ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE. MANY MEN ARE NOT LIKE THIS. YOUR OH IS A HORRIBLE PERSON. YOU CAN DO BETTER.

He doesn't know women very well does he...

Get rid. He's already comparing you to lots of women. He'll only get worse.

Been with a similar man in the past that ended up in a violent relationship escaping the house on New Year’s Day and phoning the police.

I said in the first two months of that relationship that he seemed too nice and it was almost too good to be true... it was... leave now, he’s controlling

As others have said 🏃‍♀️ as fast as you can.

I had a relationship like this for 7mths, by the end of it I was a non confident shadow of my former self. Family tried to tell me but I didn’t listen.

Good luck

Get rid. You could do all those things and he'd just find new stuff to comment on, or say he didn't like it now you'd done it.

He's trying to grind you down and manipulate you. It's controlling and will only get worse.

Run as fast as you can and don't look back.

Run!

And being nice etc. at the start - well he could only keep it up for 3 months - that is pretty scary really.

No one would be with abusive arseholes if they were like that all the time and from the start.

Oh tell him to fuck off.

Find someone who likes you.

I agree with everyone else. He is manipulative, demeaning , controlling, abusive. And that’s during the ‘honeymoon’ period. Imagine how much worse he will be when he’s not on his best behaviour.

Run like the wind OP.

You and I are very similar except I don’t even wear heels to work. Dh still loves me and often says he is grateful that I don’t have a massive beauty schedule.

I would question the type of relationships he has with women that they are comfortable enough to discuss their latest arsehole wax with him.

I mean how does he know the opinions of most women? What kind of research has he done?

You could ask him those questions, but I would just run.

There's only one hairy arsehole in this scenario and it's not you, OP.

He's lovebombed you, now he's moved on to the next stage, the devaluation stage.

Tell him to fuck off.

PeakedTooEarly has really astutely described my ExH. On a further crappy note, he has started doing to our young adult DD what he did to me (and to four subsequent partners and their children ) - devaluing.

He's not a stupid man, good job etc, decent upbringing although his father worked stupid hours. I think ex-MIL let him do what he liked and just did the tinkly laugh thing when he did anything wrong / unhelpful / unkind.

He reeled me in when I was in a really low place, and once he'd discarded me and walked out on the kids (who were very young) for OW, it took a long time to recover from what had happened to me.

And now I have to try to help my daughter.

How does he (a man) know better what most women would want than you (a woman) do? Obvs he doesn't - it's just what he thinks women should want to do - because he is a sexist, misogynist, arrogant, selfish ... wankbadger.

these posts have just made me cry. i was trying to be strong about this as it has been going on for a few weeks now, but in truth i feel like half the woman i was when we met.

i am usually very strong minded - probably can be quite intense sometimes, but i had my life together and felt happy in myself. ive suddenly found myself with someone who makes me feel like im not enough.

i had an eye infection the other week and he was incredibly hard hearted about it, said i tried to rely on him too much? if what you guys are saying is true, surely he would want me to rely on him (for the record, i wasnt relying on him at all,i just asked him if he could read the back of the packet of eye drops)

Does he watch a lot of porn?? Or has he quizzed many women on the state of their arseholes?? I bet he's an oil painting, eh? A shining beacon of male beauty and perfection?

What everyone else has said. He's reeled you in by being nice. (For next time, comparisons with exes are NOT GOOD. He'll do the same to you.) Now he's showing you his true colours, putting oyou on the back foot, upsetting you and making you second-guess yourself.

Nah! Tell him jog on.

Wow. I'm glad you've posted and also realised yourself it's not normal. Run and don't look back.

In Domestic Abuse training, there's a list of classic "types", and the charmer is right up there at the top. The guy who can do no wrong and appears to worship you for the first few weeks is a big red flag - it's manipulative, and dishonest. But tbh, anytime a bloke tells you how rubbish or crazy his ex was, that's a warning. If all their exes were crazy, I wouldn't even bother finishing the first date. Waste of time.

Don’t analyse it. He’s just a pig.

He pulled his face about reading the instructions on your medication because you couldn't? Doesn't that tell you all you need to know about his lack of empathy? Surely you don't want this for the next however many years?

Just tell him it isn't working for you.

I think you should assist him with his life and tell him that "most women" do not want to be with controlling men.

i feel like half the woman i was when we met.

Wow. He's done that to you in 4 months? That's scary. It won;'t take you long to get back to feeling your usual self after you dump him.

I had an eye infection the other week and he was incredibly hard hearted about it, said i tried to rely on him too much? if what you guys are saying is true, surely he would want me to rely on him (for the record, i wasnt relying on him at all,i just asked him if he could read the back of the packet of eye drops)

Part of the nice-nasty-nice cycle. You never know how'll react so you're walking on broken glass. Or he was just being mean. He's supposed to care for you and want to help you. Especially in the honeymoon period.

as for the hairy arsehole - he actually said most women wouldnt want that

How the fuck would he ‘know’ that?! Is he this guy?

Everything you say, OP, makes this man sound more horrible. But please don't beat yourself up about it, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, and of course you're "enough". Your problem is that you are with a man for whom "enough" is someone who completely submits herself to his wishes, and even then he will despise her for doing it.

You will feel so much better once you have empowered yourself and got him out of your life.