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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:
YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 05/10/2018 19:18

If you haven't already - get rid of him.

Original poster
user4671 · 05/10/2018 19:38

im still here.

i ended it. just keep thinking over and over how could he have moments of being so bloody nice and then behave like that - what caused it?!

he didnt have chance to say anything as i blocked him om everything as soon as i did it.

OP posts:
ohlittlepea · 05/10/2018 19:42

What caused it?? Him being an abuser. They are usually charming most of the time. Well done for getting rid.

Smallhorse · 05/10/2018 19:56

Wait, why not try heels, better setting makeup, arse waxing and spray tan?
Perhaps he just loves you so much that he wants you to be the very best version of yourself!

SAID NOONE EVER .

Tell us more about him and we will tell you more reasons to run and not look back

Smallhorse · 05/10/2018 19:57

Just saw you ended it.
A million high fives.
WELL DONE

LadyMarmyLard · 05/10/2018 19:58

Well done OP. I've been quietly following and reading the comments. So glad you had the guts to end it. It could have got nasty.
Stay strong x

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/10/2018 19:59

OP, I've been thinking about you. SO pleased you've dumped him. And well done on the blocking.

Your judgement was spot on and now you're free and wiser. Well done, OP Flowers

Thebluedog · 05/10/2018 20:11

Well done OPFlowers

AntiHop · 05/10/2018 20:18

Well done. I'm really relieved for you.

trulybadlydeeply · 05/10/2018 20:20

Brilliant, well done OP.

Abusers act in exactly that way to reel people in, they're charming, attentive and loving. Then they show their true colours, when they think their victim is hooked. These changes in behaviour also make the victim doubt their suspicions and recollection of events. "He's so lovely most of the time, he can't really have meant to be so horrible".

You've done so well to identify and dump this abusive man. I hope you have some nice plans for the weekend.

Original poster
user4671 · 05/10/2018 20:21

thank you for all the kind messages!

i had been going off him for the last few weeks when it had started getting worse with the belittling and so on. so i am ok and think i always knew it wouldnt go anywhere after some of the things he said weeks ago...so i have had time to adjust.

still feels surreal that i was with someone like that and i cant believe how easy it is to justify their actions when you are in the middle of it all.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 05/10/2018 20:47

Well done OP! Very brave... It's hard when you start to doubt yourself but you did it.

Nice glass of wine and some.chocolate cake?

You'll know what to look out for next time. Every relationship comes with some lessons... You can use his in a positive way next time you're committing to someone Smile

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/10/2018 20:55

Well done OP, well bloody done.

The confusion comes purely from a fucked up abusive man being very good at pretending to be nice at first. And, because you are a genuinely nice person, you took that at face value. The truth has shocked you because it is shocking.

Just stay very very strong, he may come wheedling and lying back. He won’t have changed, it will still be lies.

buckingfrolicks · 05/10/2018 21:04

SmileWinewell done OP. Wise woman. You won't regret it

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/10/2018 22:32

Great news! Wine Congratulations - good to see you sorted your hairy arsehole out Wink Grin

ICESTAR · 05/10/2018 22:34

So proud of you op!!! Time to celebrate. Be proud of yourself too. You have been true to yourself. Xxx

Aeroflotgirl · 05/10/2018 22:37

Wow well done, onwards and upwards💐💐💐

Powerless · 06/10/2018 01:35

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets Tbh you should have run as soon as he started telling you how wonderful you were in comparison to his ex. That right there is a big red flag.

Why is this a red flag out of interest? I've said this to men before and so have they?

Threewheeler1 · 06/10/2018 09:04

Well done OP.
Absolutely the right thing to do Flowers
Look after yourself Smile

ZacharyQuacks · 06/10/2018 09:30

Powerless - it can be. Because it puts you on a pedestal which you can only be knocked down from and sets you immediately in competition with these previous "awful" exes. It allows the abuser to manipulate the victim from the off.

My abusive ex told me all about his terrible ex and how badly she had treated him (she hadn't). She had thrown him out, thrown his clothes out on the lawn to get ruined, reported him to he police and in his words "put on a big show". Of course what he failed to mention was that this was after a year of emotional and physical abuse and after he cornered her and raised his fist to punch her in the face. But at the time my immediate thought was how dreadful for him, I would never treat him like that/I don't want to be that woman. Abusers count on their victims being nice (as pp said) and not challenging or disbelieving their account.

Now, if I ever hear stories of a terrible ex I would take them with a huge pinch of salt. With more than one ex, I think the common denominator is the man here and I would run like the wind.

ZacharyQuacks · 06/10/2018 09:34

OP well done, you are well rid! Wine . Onward and upwards to your beautiful new life, far away from him.

It is easy, too easy. IMO women are conditioned to be more forgiving/patient/understanding etc. It's a huge generalisation but I've found it to be true and these abusive assholes know it and count on it. Look up "intermittent reinforcement" and you will see how their mind's work and why they are so successful in getting & keeping you hooked.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2018 09:35

Totally correct Zachary, talk of a terrible ex and how abusive they were, is usually a big red flag.

YouAreMyRain · 06/10/2018 10:02

See also: "you're not like other women" which is designed to ignite our inner competitiveness (a result of internalised misogyny which is inevitable under patriarchy)

Neolara · 06/10/2018 10:20

Well done OP. Be prepared for him to try very hard to reel you back in. Stay strong and enjoy your freedom.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 06/10/2018 10:24

That was really brave and strong op x