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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 04/10/2018 11:24

I dumped him. He tried very hard to get my back considering my flat shoe wearing, unmanicured, hairy, loud in bed and unfun ways. Funny that
^
Haha yeah I had similar. He stayed dumped and I kept my autonomy over my appearance!

toomuchtooold · 04/10/2018 11:26

i had an eye infection the other week and he was incredibly hard hearted about it, said i tried to rely on him too much

They don't actually want you to rely on them for anything useful, that's too much work. They just want to strip you of your self esteem and sense of peace so they can hand it back to you in tiny pieces and have you be grateful for it.

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2018 11:27

My worst experience was a horrible ex commenting on my weight loss
" You look nice, you're roughly the same size as XXX(his Best friend) girlfriend now"
So innocuous at the time but so loaded.

He did much worse but this has really stuck with me

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/10/2018 11:27

You're 5 months in. This should be the floating on clouds honeymoon period. He's already showing you what a manipulative, emotionally abusive cock womble he is.

You are not being sensitive or over thinking it. He's a sexist pig.

YearOfYouRemember · 04/10/2018 11:28

I've read your first comment from him and felt yuk. Get rid of this idiot.

MemoryOfSleep · 04/10/2018 11:29

Run, run as fast as you can,
He's a sexist git who's obsessed with spray tan.

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 11:30

Left my physically abusive first husband. He told me I'd never manage without him. Within a couple of weeks, he was contacting me for help with HIS rent. What an arsehole!

Missingstreetlife · 04/10/2018 11:30

He's a wanker. Get rid

RyderWhiteSwan · 04/10/2018 11:30

They just want to strip you of your self esteem and sense of peace so they can hand it back to you in tiny pieces and have you be grateful for it.
^
Very good synopsis of these men's MO, toomuchtooold

HugoBearsMummy · 04/10/2018 11:30

Tell him to go fuck himself because you and your hairy arsehole won't be DTD with HIM anymore! ! !

catdogfish · 04/10/2018 11:31

Uhhh I don't think it's normal to adore someone long term. That's not real life. But you should like them.

We all have things we compromise on in a partner, but you have to keep these to yourself. People do change over the years.

OP your DP Is comparing or trying to control you with his suggestions. To ignore him shows your self confidence, but it's wearing.

I would never wax my bum for anyone keeps the draught out.

I'm going issue my first LTB Grin

LionsHeart · 04/10/2018 11:33

im usually outgoing and confident

And there you have it. He was attracted to your confidence because it made you a challenge. Wheres the fun in bringing down a woman who is already insecure when he can destroy a woman who is assertive and outgoing? He took the very things that made you who you are and is now systematically tearing you apart.

A challenge.

Here's YOUR challenge.
Remember who you were before, grab that woman with both hands and reclaim that confidence and dignity. Calmly tell him that this is not working for you any more and you will not be seeing him again. No shouting, no fuss. Calm and deadly. End it.

Momzilla82 · 04/10/2018 11:35

My beaver hasn't been waxed or maintained for AGES, I can't wear heels as I am numb on the left hand side of my body because of disability. I wear whatever underwear comes out of the drawer first. I'm pasty white because I have anaemia. My husband sometimes has to wash my hair for me.

My husband doesn't give a fuck. He still loves me and wants me just as I am.

Run: this is a controlling man. Waxed arsehole indeed...

GrumbleBumble · 04/10/2018 11:35

Please, please listen to everyone and get this manipulative, abusive bastard out of your life pronto. This may be as bad as things get (and you admit it's already having a negative affect on you so why stick around for more of the same?)but it will almost certainly get worse, much worse and you will find he thinks delivering a slap or a punch is "helpful".

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/10/2018 11:39

Michelle Obama has tweeted this to BO on their wedding anniversary:

Thank you @barackobama for 26+ years of love, trust, and respect - for being a man who always lifts up and honors me and our wonderful girls. Each day I’m with you, I’m reminded of what a treasure you truly are to us all

Now compare that to a low-life fucker who whines at you to wax your arsehole.

I hope you're running by now, OP.

eddielizzard · 04/10/2018 11:39

Please text him with Bluntness' one liner! So brilliant!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2018 11:41

He's negging you(google it), run as fast as you can, he is showing you who he really is!

Feefeetrixabelle · 04/10/2018 11:41

He’s abusive. Kick him to the kerb.

Unless he’s a specialist women’s survey conductor interviewing thousands a year or Mel Gibson from What Women Want then how the fuck would he know his arse from his elbow when it comes to what most women do.

In 16 weeks he has shown you exactly who he is- a twatbadger

Original poster
user4671 · 04/10/2018 11:41

i cant quite believe all these posts.

i knew it wasnt quite right, hence my post, but i didnt see it as clearly as you are all saying.

i feel sick typing this but on one occasion he threatened to throw me down the stairs. i genuinely dont think he ever would and at the time i was crying in his face and begging him to talk and he said he felt claustrophobic and said it was a form of abuse for me to be blocking him from walking away and getting him to talk. that's maybe true actually - at the time i just wanted to know why he wasnt speaking to me.

OP posts:
KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 11:42

feel sick typing this but on one occasion he threatened to throw me down the stairs

OMG, OP!

LEAVE NOW!!!

Do it today.

We're here for you.

Rainbowshine · 04/10/2018 11:43

^^ what everyone else has said! Please end the relationship asap but safely, you don’t owe him any explanation or to do it face to face. Then block him on everything, straight away.

There’s some very good resources out there for regaining your sense of self. I think the Freedom Programme online costs about £12 - I view this as a better investment in you than any wax, shoes or underwear. Well done on working out he’s a complete waste of space and that you don’t have to put up with his shit.

user1467718508 · 04/10/2018 11:44

I'm with @eddielizzard - blutness has nailed it in one Grin

So glad you've caught onto his negging relatively early on, I'm pretty sure he'd have only got progressively more vicious.

What an utter utter cock.

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 04/10/2018 11:44

Please just leave him op. He's horrible.

Santaclarita · 04/10/2018 11:44

Run away and quickly. He's abusive.

He may seem charming, they always do. Be wary of the charming ones. Often it's a false identity. Some are genuine but a genuine one wouldn't say shit like that. When they do, run away.

Original poster
user4671 · 04/10/2018 11:45

i didnt want to post about the stairs comment because i honestly do not believe for a second he would physically harm me in any way. i really dont.

and i do think i was crying in his face and he probably did want to leave the room and i was trying to stop that as i wanted him to talk. of course he shouldnt have to talk. im just trying to be objective here.

the part that disturbed me the most was that he never apologised for the comment, nor did he explain it and stress to me that he would never actually do it. regardless, i genuinely do not think he would ever do that.

OP posts: