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Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:
SevenOf1981 · 04/10/2018 10:59

With the regard to rely on me too much comment, it's not about wanting you to rely on him
It's about making you feel weak, which is exactly what it did.

Did he say his ex was crazy?

TheClitterati · 04/10/2018 10:59

yep you need to get rid of the big hairy arsehole PDQ OP - most women would. Grin

He already has you second guessing yourself - dump and run!!

DontCallMeCharlotte · 04/10/2018 11:00

Bluntness100 You nearly lost me my job from choking back the laughter!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/10/2018 11:00

Sorry for the joke, I’ve just read your recent post user4671 like everyone hasn’t said he’s an abusive controlling shit, I hope you kick him to the curb.

Dychmygol · 04/10/2018 11:00

im usually outgoing and confident and yet these comments have really made me question myself. i have reacted badly to some of them and caused an argument. i just wanted him to want me for me, which is how i thought it was at the beginning - i could do no wrong

He love bombed you - it's a very common technique arsehole men use to get someone to believe they are worshipped, then the insidious little comments begin. Some women can't see this and just go along with the 'suggestions' because it's "just one little thing that will make him happy" and before they know it, they're in a controlling relationship, all of their friends and family have been alienated and they don't know where to turn to escape...especially if you've had children together.

If this man is already making your reasonable reaction to being waxed against your will seem dramatic he's shown his cards too soon. Walk away from this man and don't look back.

Huntlybyelection · 04/10/2018 11:01

He is controlling you. And doing it by making you doubt yourself because you aren't doing what "most women" do.

Fuck that shit.

He's making up nonsense to make you feel bad. And then making you feel bad for reacting.

It is impossible to defend him. He's not a nice person. He was kind at the start because if he behaved like the controlling person he actually is, nobody would ever have sex with him.

Dump him.

You're absolutely grand as you are. No need to change. Don't be someone to please someone else. Be you. You're great at that.

Gersemi · 04/10/2018 11:01

various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways

There's a reason why this supposedly wonderful woman is an ex. And no, it's not because she too realised what a dickhead he is. It's because she's totally imaginary.

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 11:01

coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways

Never be flattered by this kind of thing. It's actually a Red Flag situation.

TheClitterati · 04/10/2018 11:02

in truth i feel like half the woman i was when we met.

Keep reading these words of yours over and over OP - this is not a good place for your to be

Tooshytoshine · 04/10/2018 11:02

I can see why he was single. His comments made me feel ill. Dump the twat - preferably publicly.

You sound great OP. And lots of women have hair under there. Christ, it's like you aren't Pygmalion's wax model...

I had a BF who did this - it moved onto criticism of my personality and left me isolated, under confident and reliant on him. I am now with somebody who loves me and doesn't mind my haphazard approach to (not) creating a feminist mystique...

WickedLazy · 04/10/2018 11:02

No, he does't want you to rely on him. Eventually if you got married he'd probably want you to do all the wife work, carry the mental load, look after the kids and anything to do with them. All while looking fabulous. The perfect little wife... He wants you to feel inferior and have low self esteem, so you don't leave him for someone nicer, and he'll run you down when he can to help that process, your best will never be good enough. He'll probably not offer any actual practical help, just criticism. If you'd done x better there wouldn't be a problem etc.

Don't put yourself in this position Sad

WinnieFosterTether · 04/10/2018 11:02

Men like this are always rubbish when you have health issues. It takes attention away from them. Plus when you're ill, you are vulnerable so its the perfect opportunity to grind you down that little bit further.
I'm sorry he's an arse. And I'm sorry he's ground down your confidence already. But you know many more women than him and we all know he's an abusive arse.
Don't even discuss all this with him. He'll try his damnedest to manipulate you. Just dump and block.

Rhiannon13 · 04/10/2018 11:03

i am usually very strong minded

You still are OP, and you will be again very quickly once you get rid.

XscoutX · 04/10/2018 11:03

Don’t even consider trying to make this work. Don’t make excuses for him and don’t put up with anyone who makes you feel like that.
If you are half your former self now, what will you be in another five months time?
You can do so much better. Get outta there and leave him ASAP before it gets worse.
This type of behaviour can scar someone for life if allowed.

WickedLazy · 04/10/2018 11:03

*doesn't

MattBerrysHair · 04/10/2018 11:03

There's been loads of good advice already, but I just want to emphasise that if a man keeps comparing you favourably to his exes at the beginning of a relationship he is not a keeper. A man who openly criticises his exes during the first few dates is telling you how little he likes and respects women.

Rhiannon13 · 04/10/2018 11:04

Sorry, you will REALISE this again very quickly once you get rid!

IdahoCrow · 04/10/2018 11:05

surely he would want me to rely on him

Not if you're ill. You're not allowed to not be 'on form' for him. Being unwell is attention seeking on your part. Those are his rules.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/10/2018 11:05

This is a massive red flag for someone who is controlling and objectifing women

This ^. OP, your opening post has more red flags than I've seen in a MN post in a long, long time.

RUN run run run run run run run.

as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women

You're an adult. He's is trying to control you and your own opinion of yourself. This is FIVE MONTHS IN. Have you got those running shoes on yet?

Say that you don't want to get your arsehole waxed; you want to get him out of your fucking life. Then walk away, and don't look back once.

Men like this are so dangerous for women.

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 11:05

Just say to him " look I've had a think about it, and you're right, most women don't want a hairy arsehole. So as that's what you are, off you pop"

Please say this Grin

ArsenicNLace · 04/10/2018 11:06

OMFG!!!! This brought back all the comments from my abusive ex.

It's the pattern for abusers. I also was the most wonderful, exceptional personal on the planet for the first 3 months then he started with the 'helpful' suggestions on how to make myself a better person. Apparently everyone was laughing at me behind my back but because he 'loved' me so much he wanted to tell me the truth.

Examples of this:

Apparently I was the only woman in the world who doesn't match their lipstick to their nail varnish.

My eyebrows were messy and didn't i go and get them shaped?

Each time he saw me the first thing he would say was, 'Have you changed your lipstick/hair/makeup (insert any physical possible change). Usually the answer from me was 'no' but his reply was always the same 'Oh. You don't look as nice as you normally do.

The worst one in context was when he sneered at the outfit i was wearing saying I looked as 'embarassing' followed up with the comment that I'd really let myself go since we'd met. We were on the way to my third chemotherapy session for breast cancer when he said this. All my friends would say how fantastic I looked and that no one would know anything was going on but according to him they were just being 'kind'.

Run, run, run. It won't get any better.

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 11:06

As "most women" seem to behave in ways this guy seems to approve of, then he shouldn't have any trouble replacing you. Tell him to find one of those "most women".

DontCallMeCharlotte · 04/10/2018 11:06

in truth i feel like half the woman i was when we met.

I went out with a guy for a few years. He wasn't abusive but there was an element of always trying to please him because I was scared he would leave.

Eventually, I saw sense amd dumped him and a few weeks later a colleague (who'd not known me before before I started going out with him) said something to the effect of how much happier and more bubbly I was now. Clearly he'd been bringing me down and turning me into a dullard.

I was so glad to get my "self" back. Do it OP Smile

ArsenicNLace · 04/10/2018 11:06

Oh yes and if I objected to his comments I was just being 'sensitive'. His comments were just for my 'own good'.

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 11:07

The worst one in context was when he sneered at the outfit i was wearing saying I looked as 'embarrassing' followed up with the comment that I'd really let myself go since we'd met. We were on the way to my third chemotherapy session for breast cancer when he said this

Makes me want to punch my screen reading this abusive shit.

WHAT AN ARSEHOLE!!!! Angry

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