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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 04/10/2018 11:07

Urgh, classic objectification. (In its more emotion-focused, rather than physically-focused form, it presents as sentimentaility, 'the sentimental fool').

He has an image of his 'perfect woman' in mind. You appear to match, so he casts you in the part. Then he starts to see that you don't match his fantasy, because you're a real person and a different person to the limited sketch in his head. You become more and more of a disappointment. He dumps you... and moves on to the next one, telling her how imperfect and disappointing you turned out to be.

FanFckingTastic · 04/10/2018 11:07

I had no idea that arsehole waxing was a thing!!

At best he sounds completely insensitive and with a very different set of priorities to you (and, it would seem, to most of us) At worst, he's a controlling, manipulative and probably not the kind of bloke that you would want to spend your future with OP.

I would take your (no doubt very normal and very nice) arsehole as far away from him as possible.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 04/10/2018 11:08

Bluntness, a wonderful retort 😆

OP, you KNOW he is not classic boyfriend material (unless it’s his idea of foreplay and it’s doing something for you). Sorry. Get shut.

brilliotic · 04/10/2018 11:09

When he says 'most women ... like to wear heels/have their bum waxed/...'
what he really is saying is 'decent/good women do that'. So he is making you feel 'not quite up to scratch'. The next step will be for you to start feeling grateful that he puts up with you despite all your failings, and because he is so generous to stick with little unloveable you, you put up with any abuse he dishes out.

Run.

Sarahjconnor · 04/10/2018 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user4671 · 04/10/2018 11:09

the poster that said you just do one nice thing to make him happy ... thats what i did. i kept writing the comments off initially.

recently he began horrible horrible silent treatment. if i had "caused drama" by saying something in response to one of his comments and it escalated into a row, hed start switching his phone off for hours at a time or literally ignoring me when in the same room. it has been awful.

OP posts:
BiscuitsMcSnugglepuff · 04/10/2018 11:09

I’m so sorry you have been having to go through this. Do not let it bring you down or damage your self worth. You should be with someone who thinks your beautiful inside and out as you are, and who tells you that regularly - I am lucky to have such a man and admittedly I don’t shave my legs anywhere near as often as I should BlushGrin

Get rid ASAP!

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 11:10

recently he began horrible horrible silent treatment

Another tactic in an abuser's arsenal of tricks.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/10/2018 11:11

OP, you know this isn't normal. Decent men do NOT do this. He is not good, kind, thoughtful or nice.

He is NOT. Don't lose sight of normal. There are fabulously kind, big hearted men out there who will love you and want you to feel amazing and confident and happy without changing a hair on your head.

Men like the one that is currently destroying your self esteem are small, cruel, spiteful and dangerous.

Leave him today. Get yourself back and then reflect on what a massive bullet you dodged.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/10/2018 11:13

I want to know how he knows most women want their butt crack waxed.

In all the hundreds of thousands of conversations I have had with other women and all the millions of thoughts I have had.
Not once has the topic of waxing a hairy arsehole ever come up.

Most women (now I have discussed this many times so I know that I can say with some evidence) don’t want controlling arseholes.

If dp ever suggested I get my arsehole waxed i think I would have collapsed in hysterics.

HelloViroids · 04/10/2018 11:13

Please please leave now. Please. When you try, he will either a) love bomb you, telling you you are amazing, he will change, etc, b) get angry and/or c) tell you you will never find anyone like he does as he is so much better than you. Please IGNORE all the above and keep running.

mikado1 · 04/10/2018 11:14

Verbena87 Where is the clap emoji? Show him the door OP. I'd be counting myself very lucky you know now.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/10/2018 11:14

recently he began horrible horrible silent treatment. if i had "caused drama" by saying something in response to one of his comments and it escalated into a row, hed start switching his phone off for hours at a time or literally ignoring me when in the same room. it has been awful

God OP. This is just awful. Do you live together? Whether you do or not, don't spend another hour in this man's company. He doesn't deserve anything from you at all, not a thing.

Please leave him.

RyderWhiteSwan · 04/10/2018 11:15

Oh the silent treatment too. Really ticking all the boxes isn't he? Hmm

Get your fabulous self rid of the twat ASAP.

mikado1 · 04/10/2018 11:16

I'm loving the image of him when you tell him where to go.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/10/2018 11:17

Please please leave now. Please. When you try, he will either a) love bomb you, telling you you are amazing, he will change, etc, b) get angry and/or c) tell you you will never find anyone like he does as he is so much better than you. Please IGNORE all the above and keep running

This^^. He WILL try to manipulate you. You know that. Ignore ignore ignore. He will lie, cajole, promise and flatter and then revert to type within a month. Keep walking away.

AliasGrape · 04/10/2018 11:18

A man who openly criticises his exes during the first few dates is telling you how little he likes and respects women.

Absolutely. It’s patriarchy 101 - set women up in some kind of false competition with each other, with him of course getting to be judge and jury deciding who ‘wins’.

I had one like this, similar time scale too. Constant mentions of what his female friends and exes did, they were all ‘sophisticated ladies’ apparently, who apparently were always well made up, wore heels at all times, had perfectly manicured nails etc. He also thought I should wear sexy underwear, be hair free apart from my head hair which should be kept long and styled, wear skinny jeans with knee high boots, more jewellery, fake tan and also be quieter in bed - basically act as much like an inanimate sex doll as possible at all times. When I told him to pack it in I was told I should try to be more fun, like the other women he knew. I dumped him. He tried very hard to get my back considering my flat shoe wearing, unmanicured, hairy, loud in bed and unfun ways. Funny that.

HappilyHarridan · 04/10/2018 11:19

You sound quite cool op. He sounds like a fucking bellend. Don't waste any more time on him.

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 11:20

Are you dealing with a "Chopper"?

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-dealing-with-a-chopper-when-somebody-keeps-trying-to-cut-you-down/

When one reader who is highly successful, owns her own home, lots of friends, busy life, found herself being chopped down by an unemployed man who dodges his taxes, was living in her home rent free, was hardly Mr Popularity and didn’t have much going on his life, I was opened mouthed at the catalogue of verbal and emotional abuse that he’d thrown at her. Thank goodness she finally bounced his arse out. Yet she is still turning over all of the crap that he said.

What I can assure you of is that it’s highly likely that whatever they’re targeting about you is really about them. They’re chopping at you because they’ve been chopped at for the same thing, or they’re chopping at you because on some level they envy you but rather than assert these qualities in themselves, they’d rather knock them out of you.

Don’t get it twisted – being involved with a Chopper is a form of abusive relationship.

SabineUndine · 04/10/2018 11:20

Dump him. By text: ‘I’ve decided to get rid of one of the hairy arseholes in my life. That’s you.’

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 04/10/2018 11:21

Run for the hills.

His image if a a woman is straight out of a porno. I know of no women in my circle of friends who have admitted to bum waxing.

How the fuck does he know what most women do?

He is an arsehole, a big hairy arsehole.

amusedbush · 04/10/2018 11:21

Tell him to jump up his own hairy arsehole and stay there.

It's like this cunt has read the Abuser's Manual 101. Awful, awful person and things won't get better until you leave.

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2018 11:21

various comparisons to his ex who i was very different to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

Ugh I really can't stand men who do this
Run for the hills if they slag off other women

mogratpineapple · 04/10/2018 11:21

Scary. Anyone who starts with 'most women' is a non-starter. No you're not being sensitive enough.

Troels · 04/10/2018 11:24

Oh god OP Kick him to the curb, he has no clue about women he's a controlling asre. Get rid and get your self esteem back.