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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 04/10/2018 10:23

He's a fucking moron.

As a PP mentioned, look up the idealise, devalue, discard cycle. He has been through idealise and he's now in devalue. I'd discard him before his arrogant arse has a chance to do it to you.

WickedLazy · 04/10/2018 10:26

Does he know many real women, well? As in not actors in porn, on tv or in movies, or women he sees once a month on a night out who've put in a lot more effort than they do all day every day? Actual real women who grow hair, get sore feet, thrush, oily skin, who sweat at awkward times....

Sounds like he wants you to be a trophy wife.

Original poster
user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:26

im so glad this is early on. i really liked him to begin with as well.

you know when someone says youre being sensitive or dramatic, it makes you question yourself a bit?

im usually outgoing and confident and yet these comments have really made me question myself. i have reacted badly to some of them and caused an argument. i just wanted him to want me for me, which is how i thought it was at the beginning - i could do no wrong

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 04/10/2018 10:28

Shouldn't need saying, but just in case: dump him!

gamerchick · 04/10/2018 10:29

Just dump him he's not worth it.

But before you do, ask him to get his nether regions waxed. Arsehole.

IdahoCrow · 04/10/2018 10:29

Yes it sounds like he's reeled you in, and now he's trying to control you with 'questions and suggestions' that are actually negging and undermining tactics.

You'll get worn down by the effort of keeping him pleased with you. You really need to escape asap.

Original poster
user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:29

yup. seems like it is time to move on.

i really liked him as well. how can someone be so deceiving at the beginning!!

OP posts:
DaffodilPower · 04/10/2018 10:29

Run away - my exDP used to say very similar 'helpful suggestions' to try and get me to better myself. It is just a way of making you feel insecure and 'need' them more..

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 10:31

No, no, no, his intention is to belittle, criticise and put you down, it's all about him having control over you and in time with the constant put downs he will wear you down to do exactly what he wants; he sounds beyond putrid, actually dangerous I would say and I'd run as far away from him as possible, why on earth do you think he means well, he doesn't; he's horrible, really really horrible!

Overyou · 04/10/2018 10:33

Let him find a woman who tans, wears heels, has flawless make up and maintains a hair free arsehole. I don’t actually know anyone who does all that. Good luck to him in the real world.

PeakedTooEarly · 04/10/2018 10:37

OP literally everything you have said on here multiples of us have been there! The being nice at first is because if he was this much of an asshole at the outset he wouldn't get a date let alone five months. The negging is to bring you down, break you down and .....why do they do it? Who bloody knows. They want a submissive by their side for some unknown reason. Maybe they are so so small as a person they need to diminish those around them in order to have any stature at all. It's all a big mess but one thing is for sure an awful lot of us have seen every bit of what you are seeing, some of us many times. The messages of run, far, fast and 'the hills are that way' are absolutely and completely appropriate here. If you stay you will be a stressed sobbing traumatised wreck in a year and it takes a long long time to find yourself again after an attack from a tosser like this. I tried to live with this sort of shit for four years. I have the tee shirt, the beanie hat and the whole box set on Blu Ray. He is a wanker. He probably doesn't even know why he is doing it. He just can is all. Men like this have something missing. They have no empathy at all but just enough humanity to know what it takes to hook you in and keep you on the string. Walk away now FFS. You are bright enough to realise what is going on. He will do this over and over in his life. You can't change him.

PuppyMonkey · 04/10/2018 10:38

There's only one arsehole that's causing a problem in this relationship, OP - and it's not yours.

PeakedTooEarly · 04/10/2018 10:39

These types hate being dumped too so take care.

Overyou · 04/10/2018 10:40

Agreed there. He will feel quite indignant at being dumped and could get nasty so have a plan.

RyderWhiteSwan · 04/10/2018 10:41

These men don't really like women at all except as toys, and are dangerous to our MH.

buckingfrolicks · 04/10/2018 10:41

What a total tosspot.
Tell him from me to fuck off.

DerelictWreck · 04/10/2018 10:42

Does he get his arsehole waxed or do any of the other things on his thread? Next time he asks you, ask him! Oh, and run. He sounds like a prize dick and one who will be controlling soon enough.

VerbenaGirl · 04/10/2018 10:42

You are not being sensitive. I would say these are massive warning signs, and you are best off without him.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/10/2018 10:43

He really is a hairy arsehole!

Most women want whatever the fuck they decide THEY want to do.

He's awful and only 5 months in. Ditch now and thank your lucky stars you saw sense.

Thebluedog · 04/10/2018 10:44

If you are questioning yourself now, just imagine how you’d feel after 10 years of this?

Oh and just for the record, I’ve never ever considered waxing my arsehole 😂

hellsbellsmelons · 04/10/2018 10:44

All controlling assholes are deceiving.
How on earth would they get women to go out with them otherwise.
That was the act to reel you in.
Now you know who he is you can dump him.

By the way, I tend to look after myself and I have never....
Had my asshole waxed
Got a proper wax - WTF is wrong with shaving?
Most women do NOT want to be on the pill. It's a pain trying to remember to take a pill every friggin day and why should be in charge on contraception?
I like wearing heels because I'm a short arse, but I certainly wear flats unless going out.
Fuck being 'on form' every day. We are allowed to slob out as and when we want, without judgement
I've never been to a tanning salon
Yeah right - like can all afford to wear sexy underwear everyday. We need practical!
We don't HAVE to wear fucking make-up

This guy is a twat.

Well done on sussing him out so early on.

Gersemi · 04/10/2018 10:44

He has absolutely zero idea of what "most women" do. The idea that the majority of womankind are waxing their arseholes and teetering around on heels all the time is seriously bizarre. He sounds horrible.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/10/2018 10:44

Judgmental, sexist twat.

caffelatte100 · 04/10/2018 10:44

It seems to me that he just wants a made-up doll kind of girlfriend. Maybe give him a blow up one as you dump him. Then again, save the money and treat yourself!

MMmomDD · 04/10/2018 10:46

OP - in which way is he your D Partner?
He is a stranger you just met, and don’t know yet.
And he is a stranger who doesn’t know you and doesn’t care about getting to know you.
All he is doing is trying to mold you into a version of a female he wants to be with.
That versions doesn’t seem to be who you are.

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