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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:
HenryInTheTunnel · 06/10/2018 10:38

Well done OP!

ImNotonLinkedInNo · 06/10/2018 11:00

With regard to what people think, your mutual friends OP, I'd just go for a serene ''he turned out to be controlling'' and leave. it. at. that. Because he will be outraged and he may well start a bit of a smear campaign, you're this, you're that. But ride it out because before too long there'll be another girlfriend and she'll be half the woman she once was and people will be thinking hmmmm I think it's cos he's so controlling.

Time has a way of making the truth obvious to everybody, despite what seems like charisma taking all the prisoners at the time. Just calmly calmly insist ''he was too controlling''. Don't even elaborate because then when you elaborate people start having opinions (not here, mumsnet in your corner! but in real life) you start getting the six of one and half a dozen of the other nonsense.

Nonotmenori · 06/10/2018 13:01

Hi OP,

Well done. You've done the right thing. He sounds exactly like my ex. He would make those comments about the way I looked and even told me I needed to wax my eyebrows once. I would think he was being caring, but little did I know. I wish I had Mumsnet back then. Trust me don't even engage with any form of communication with this 'man'

You are well rid.

headinhands · 06/10/2018 22:40

Oh Op, it won't be long until he's telling some poor woman what a 'nut job' you were. Well done. You've effectively skipped a load of crap.

consuelapipkin · 09/10/2018 13:12

Somehow I missed this update.

What wonderful news, OP!

Forgeon · 11/10/2018 12:19

Classic NPD

He'll be back, they always do

twoshedsjackson · 11/10/2018 13:11

There's another current thread where someone is getting annoyed with the fact that everybody sees her ex as a really "nice guy"; people will see through him in the end, and if mutual acquaintances are taken in at first, well, be a little bit forgiving, as you were taken in as well to begin with. It sounds as if he needs a constant supply of new people to impress. So don't worry about people you know in common. Truth will out. Only mention it if he becomes physically threatening and you need help.
My riposte to the "most women" comment would have been "can you give me specific examples?" but then I have form for stroppiness... Much as I relished the "hairy arsehole" comeback, I think IRL you come out of it better if you don't pay him back in his own coin.

Original poster
user4671 · 13/10/2018 10:42

He didn’t speak to me for a while. My birthday passed and he sent me a bouquet with a card, ‘lots of love’ etc.

I asked why he thought it was appropriate to send me them. He said it meant nothing and he was ‘just being nice for fucks sake.’

It’s been a fun few weeks Brew

OP posts:
Original poster
user4671 · 13/10/2018 10:43

I’m also still worried about what he’s said to people. He will definitely be painting me in the bad light.

I feel so angry looking back, is this normal? I sometimes wake up thinking of a particular day and wondering what the hell I was doing staying there. It makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
motherlondon · 13/10/2018 11:11

Tell him you're getting rid of your hairy arsehole and show home the door. (As long as he's not bald)

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?
motherlondon · 13/10/2018 11:12

*him not home

motherlondon · 13/10/2018 11:13

Don't mind me. Just RFT, good on you

Imadetherightchoice · 13/10/2018 11:22

Waxing your arsehole is a standard practice when you get a full wax . It's not some weird thing really,

Original poster
user4671 · 13/10/2018 11:29

I wasn’t aware of that. But then I’ve not had one.

OP posts:
Anasnake · 13/10/2018 11:34

He's a controlling arse, you're well rid.Flowers

Original poster
user4671 · 13/10/2018 11:50

I can’t believe I put up with it. Embarrassed!

OP posts:
lynmilne65 · 13/10/2018 15:10

How do you even wax your a**ehole??

Original poster
user4671 · 13/10/2018 15:32

No idea!

OP posts:
stepmummamumma · 13/10/2018 16:09

I've had it done when I have gone for a full Hollywood. It's actually not painful at all 😁...but I genuinely wax it for me. If I was with a guy who told me that he expected it, that would really piss me off. My husband actually prefers me with a full bush (sorry if TMI), but I still go for waxes. I love that he loves me natural though. You soooooo did the right thing OP!!

Onwards and upwards!!! (And be as angry as you want...but only at him, not yourself). ☺️

Cocobana · 13/10/2018 16:19

I’d feel like playing him at this own game and say why don’t or do you have beard when most men like that or similar and have his reaction. When he complains tell him that’s what he’s been doing to you and that’s it’s not nice is it. But to be honest at this early stage I wouldn’t bother. He knows what he is doing and he is slowly belittling you to make you insecure. He would do the same to any woman no matter what their beauty regime was he would find something. Please leave him and find someone who compliments and love you for you.

Cocobana · 13/10/2018 16:20

Just caught up oh well done op! Things will only get better from here!

Blessingsdragon1 · 13/10/2018 17:10

Tell him to fuvk off - for your own mental health !

Sally2791 · 13/10/2018 17:42

Get rid,asap,not a second thought. He's horrendous.

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