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Original poster

Help, It’s a MIL one.

262 replies

whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:05

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

OP posts:
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 27/09/2018 14:07

Was there a will? Who gets the house?

tillytop · 27/09/2018 14:08

How old is she?

FaFoutis · 27/09/2018 14:10

I would put a chart on the wall dividing up buying food, cooking and washing up between you. Don't feed her if it is not your turn.
It's in her interests that she learns to take responsibility for herself.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/09/2018 14:10

Difficult situation. Did your DP's grandad leave him half the house and half to MiL? Would MiL be happy to sell the house and buy herself a flat with her half? How is her mental health? Is she able to look after herself?

AuntBeastie · 27/09/2018 14:10

If you definitely can’t move out then the next best thing is to stop subbing her - but bear in mind that it may make your living situation even more uncomfortable if it causes a fight.

How long will it take you to save enough for a deposit? Can you force a sale of the house and your MIL can use her half to find a smaller place?

flumpybear · 27/09/2018 14:10

You ball need to sit down and have an adult conversation which is chaired by your partner as he's in the middle here.
Be explicit that you'll live separately albeit in the same house, so she sorts her own food and mess out, perhaps live with separate cupboard spaces and room in the fridge etc

GloriousGoosebumps · 27/09/2018 14:11

She obviously can't support herself if she has no income so why won't she claim benefits?

tillytop · 27/09/2018 14:11

What would happen if you went away for a week? Would she shop and cook for herself? And what with? Does she do her own washing?

Racecardriver · 27/09/2018 14:12

If the house is jointly owned then you should sell it.

donttknowhattodo · 27/09/2018 14:12

Can't you just tell her the situation? And explain that she needs to contribute.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 27/09/2018 14:13

You have morphed into her dps!! Needs stopping ASAP. Get her an app at the job centre /benefits office. Tell your dp he needs to make sure she goes!! And stop enabling her. No more cooking for her!!

HowlsMovingBungalow · 27/09/2018 14:13

How old is she?

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 27/09/2018 14:16

So does she have a share in the house?

SandAndSea · 27/09/2018 14:16

Look into the will. (Your dp might need to get legal advice.)

If he doesn't have a share in the house, leave. If he does, take it from there with a long-term plan to move out.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/09/2018 14:18

That's tough. What are her reasons for not working or contributing, is she willing to talk it through or won't even discuss it. At the moment she is being enabled though - there are no consequences for not washing up etc. Who owns the house? That will probably have a lot of bearing on who has the power here. Also does she have any problems o disabilities preventing her living independently?

If she has been like this all her life then she may have actually become kind of institutionalised and will struggle to adapt. It will have to be in baby steps. And it will be hard work for all of you and involve a lot of coaching - how to shop how to cook etc

If she is willing you might have to start small - shopping for a meal and helping her cook it, something that she can do weekly. Help her apply for any benefits she is entitled to. Show her how to do housework and give her the job of washing up or hoovering etc and gradually increase

If house is joint owned and she won't change then you will just have to treat her like a flatmate that you're stuck with. Get locks on your doors and some of your cupboards and split the crockery between you. Buy food and drinks only for yourselves and keep it in your own cupboards. Cook only for yourself and wash only your own stuff. You will probably still have to do everything in the communal areas but it should cut down the load. I'm not sure what you can do about bills

It's odd she expected her parent to look after her...and then her son to look after her not the other way round

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2018 14:19

Stop enabling her. No more food. No internet access. If you pay for her cell phone, that stops immediately. Don't do her laundry. Do not provide a single thing for her. Legally, what is the status regarding ownership of the house?

Babdoc · 27/09/2018 14:21

Does she have special needs or a mental health problem? Because if not, she has no excuse for not taking her fair share of the bills and chores.
You need to sit her down and tell her that she either gets a job or signs on for benefits, and that you will not be subsidising her.
You should also stop doing her cooking and washing up for her. Just cater for yourselves and leave her to sort herself out.
As for finances - just pay your share of the bills and present her with the balance to pay herself.
And get a copy of the will and see a solicitor to find out your options about forcing a house sale and division of the money, so you can go and get your own home (far) away from MIL.

itswinetime · 27/09/2018 14:24

How was the house split on the will if it is hers then I would think about is what your spending on food bills ect still saving you money on rent? If so I think you just have to suck it up or move out.

If it's 50/50 then it's tough you have to decide are you annoyed enough to kick someone out of there home as your do would be within his rights to ask his mum to either buy him out sell up. That's a step you need to think long and hard about though

Theweasleytwins · 27/09/2018 14:24

She sounds like a teenager

Piffle11 · 27/09/2018 14:27

This set up is bizarre! You haven't (yet) said how old MIL is, but if she's never claimed benefits for many years, her pension contributions will be lacking too, meaning that even when she qualifies for a pension she may not get enough to live on. She needs to either register with Jobcentre Plus (or whatever it is these days) or if she's not fit for work, she will need to see a doctor. You need to sort this asap as you are giving her no incentive to change, she has a cushy stress free life.

SassitudeandSparkle · 27/09/2018 14:34

Does the house belong to your MIL now, then? Was there a will?

DelilahandDaisy · 27/09/2018 14:35

Why is half the house his? Was there a will? I don’t see how you can’t move out if you both work, it sounds like he has been living rent free for some time, why has he not saved a deposit? The MIL is not your responsibility financially, if you move out she could get paying lodgers to provide her with an income.

Juells · 27/09/2018 14:36

If it's her house you're saving a lot of money. I'd be looking at the bigger picture and providing her food.

DarlingNikita · 27/09/2018 14:36

Look into the legalities. If the house is jointly owned then you can force a sale.

Short-term/practically, explain that either she must sort her own food and cleaning or you all have a shopping/cooking/housework rota.

If she agrees to the latter, do your share and no more.

Rednaxela · 27/09/2018 14:38

YABU to expect her to change.

You are paying zero rent. Use that money to save up a deposit. Move out as soon as you can.

When she dies DH will get the house anyway, assuming it isn't sold for nursing home fees.