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Original poster

Help, It’s a MIL one.

262 replies

whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:05

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2018 14:39

What a mess. Of course it’s ridiculous but I don’t see what you can do. I would begrudge feeding her. It sounds as though she had your dh very young and never became an adult. Once the will is sorted, will your mil have money?

Rudgie47 · 27/09/2018 14:42

Whose house is it?
If its hers you've not got a leg to stand on, your saving loads.
She needs to be claiming benefits JSA or Universal Credit though and not be expecting to be kept.
If shes not paid enough pension contributions for the full state pension then she will be able to claim pension credit top up. As long as she hasn't got loads of savings.

Juells · 27/09/2018 14:44

Still don't understand who actually owns the house. Did grandfather leave it between your DH and MiL?
We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave.

That makes it sound as if it was willed between them?

Retreating to her bedroom makes it sound as if it's very miserable for her having you two in the house. You sound very entitled.

ChasedByBees · 27/09/2018 14:45

You can move out - you don’t need a deposit to rent for example. She is behaving like a child as it’s the way she always been. You’ll have to induce a change as she won’t.

Merryoldgoat · 27/09/2018 14:46

I think a lot of answers will depend on who actually owns the house.

Oswin · 27/09/2018 14:46

How are they entitled? They are bloody paying for her. She has no income. She is the bloody entitled one.

MyHusbandSaysIHave1000MNNames · 27/09/2018 14:47

If you can't afford to feed her then ask her to give a contribution to groceries and make a schedule for chores. If she's going to act like a child then she can be assigned chores like one too.

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:48

Hello all, thanks for the replies so far!

MIL is 57, she worked until last year when she unceremoniously quit her job. No SN, physical or mental issues.

DP has not been living rent free, he paid his grandparents housekeeping starting with his first job at 14. MIL paid when she felt like it. She had my DP when she was 25, so she wasn’t a young mum, but she had a brief fling and got pregnant with him.

We have a will stating 20% each to DP, MIL, his two aunts and his cousin. DP’s 20% will more than help us out with a deposit.

OP posts:
sorryimgettingemotional · 27/09/2018 14:49

How are they entitled? They are bloody paying for her. She has no income. She is the bloody entitled one.

Exactly what I was thinking Fgs.

What are you on about Juells

itswinetime · 27/09/2018 14:49

How to the 2 aunts and cousins feel abou the house sitting there not bringing any money in?

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:50

How on earth am I entitled?! Confused I am paying for an adult woman, cooking for her and cleaning up after her. I’m sorting out DGF’s affairs as she hasn’t the first clue what to do and DP is distraught at the loss of the man who brought him up so I’m dealing with the fiddly stuff as I want to save him as much mental strain as I can at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:51

Two of the other beneficiaries have diminished mental capacity.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:51

This is becoming ridiculously outing now Blush as it’s such an unusual setup.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2018 14:51

Ok so she has been working until recently. That’s good. She will have a pension when the time comes and good skills. You need to get probate sorted and the house on the market ASAP. As for feeding your mil. I’d just stop that. Put a fridge in your bedroom and a lock on the door if necessary. Realistically your mil may have to go into rental. But unfortunately she’s brought this on herself. Stop enabling her.

BasicUsername · 27/09/2018 14:52

Ahh, 20% each means that my advice to you would be to suck it up for the time being, as surely the aunties and cousin will want their share, so the house will need to be sold fairly soon anyway.

Just don't get sucked in to having her move in to your new place with you!

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 27/09/2018 14:52

Do the aunts +cousin want the house sold? If it's all of you vs her can you force a sale?

Rudgie47 · 27/09/2018 14:52

The house needs to be sold, everyone can then get their share. Whats happening with the probate? why isn't the executor sorting it all out?

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2018 14:53

I imagine you’re also paying the council tax and bills.

ArnoldBee · 27/09/2018 14:54

So if that's the case you and your MIL should be paying rent to the other owners of the house otherwise all joint owners should agree to sell it.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 27/09/2018 14:54

You need to get it on the market ASAP. You say she has no mental health issues, but it's not "normal" for an adult in their 50s to live like that. Does she have friends, does she go out? Does she spend all her time painting or some other hobby??

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:55

MIL is the executor but she hasn’t a clue what to do! The other two executives named when DGF made his will in 2009 are the two aunties. One is currently sectioned and very mentally unwell and the other has a SN child and has just lost her own husband. It’s a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:55

Executors*

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 27/09/2018 14:55

Whose name is on the deeds now?

See a solicitor about forcing a sale.

Juells · 27/09/2018 14:55

How are they entitled? They are bloody paying for her. She has no income. She is the bloody entitled one.

Because from the OP it sounded like the house was the DH's mother's, and they were living there rent-free. So OK, the will splits the house in five. Are the OP's husband and MiL paying rent to the other owners? It sounds like a horrible situation for everyone, I'd be miserable. The sooner the house is sold and proceeds split the better.

CottonTailRabbit · 27/09/2018 14:55

She is the executor! Well, get your own solicitor pronto.