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Original poster

Help, It’s a MIL one.

262 replies

whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:05

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

OP posts:
UseditUpandWoreitOut · 27/09/2018 15:10

What were the arrangements for cooking, shopping and paying bills from April until GP's death?

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 15:10

Maybe she does have undiagnosed issues. Her reactions to a lot of things are not normal.

OP posts:
Tors33 · 27/09/2018 15:11

Ur mil sounds like my 15 and 13 yr old daughters has she not grown up yet :/
Definitely sit her down and have a word with her

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 15:15

Arrangements before DGF’s death were that we paid him housekeeping (only DP and I actually did, DGF complained about MIL to him a lot), DGF, DP and I shared the cooking. He enjoyed it so he continued to do it. DGF wanted to continue with his independence and routine of doing the shopping so he did the main food shop (we split the shopping bill) and DP and I did top up shops. Bills are in DGF’s name but again, we split them. It’s all been split three ways, really, as DGF was soft on MIL and didn’t want to nag her so he just complained quietly to DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 15:16

She’s been infantilised by her parents all her life so I’m not surprised she is the way she is, but I don’t know how on earth to ‘house train’ a woman who thinks all this is normal?

OP posts:
SpikyCactus · 27/09/2018 15:17

We have a will stating 20% each to DP, MIL, his two aunts and his cousin
It isn’t fair or legal to deprive the other beneficiaries of their share just because they have diminished mental capacity. The house will have to be sold and the proceeds will have to be shared.

I think she thinks we’re all going to live here happily ever after
How is that possible when neither she nor you owns the house? She must know that the house has to be sold?

I suggest you move out immediately and leave MIL to fend for herself. Get a solicitor and begin proceedings to have the house sold.

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 15:21

Who on earth said we would deprive the other beneficiaries of their share? Confused

I mentioned the diminished mental capacity as it complicates the process. I fully agree that the house needs to be sold, but getting MIL to cooperate will be very tough.

OP posts:
UseditUpandWoreitOut · 27/09/2018 15:22

I think you're being really hard on her. She does sound as if she has some problems, her father has just died, she's about to lose her home.
Two weeks.
Two weeks.
YABU
Very, very unreasonable.

Rudgie47 · 27/09/2018 15:22

You cant, also grief does very funny things to people.

Make an appointment for tomorrow for your boyfriend and yourself with a solicitor. Its also going to cost you as its complicated and you both work. Ask them for an estimate of the total costs as well.

Also regarding the family members who don't have capacity the money from the sale of the house can be put in trusts for them.

mrsm43s · 27/09/2018 15:22

OK, it's only 2 weeks since DGF died, so she's probably still grieving and coming to terms with how her life needs to change.

The priority should be getting the house on the market. For your DP, because he needs his share, but also for your aunties/cousin and MIL who need to have their shares out too. You, DP and MIL just continuing to live there isn't going to be an option unless you can buy the other beneficiaries out.

Sit down with MIL and draw up a list of what needs to be done, and talk through how to share jobs. Stop cooking for her! She needs to buy and cook her own food, and you buy and cook yours. And you keep your areas clean/your laundry done etc and just leave hers for her to do. Don't just replace your GF, she needs to be encouraged (gently - after all she's just lost her dad) to stand on her own two feet.

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 27/09/2018 15:24

Diminished mental capacity will mean a deputy has to be appointed for both people, that will take months.
I agree with pp, you should move out.

CSIblonde · 27/09/2018 15:25

Wow what a mess. Is it possible to get the other 20% owning relatives on side and sell? Your DP needs to stand up to her: I wouldn't be buying her food. Bills need splitting too. If you can't sell how long will it take to save up for a deposit on your own place?

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 15:26

I don’t know how we are being unreasonable when she has ALWAYS been like this. It’s not a new thing since DGF died. My issue is that DP and I cannot afford to feed her, pay for her bills while she does nothing. I wouldn’t mind so much if she actually cooked a meal once in a while but she does nothing. She has never helped around the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 15:28

We don’t have children because we can’t afford to yet. This is my issue, I cannot afford to support another adult.

OP posts:
tillytop · 27/09/2018 15:28

Not making excuses but won't she still be in grieving for her dad?

user139328237 · 27/09/2018 15:28

Her dad suddenly died 2 weeks ago. thats 14 days or 336 Hours. Its hardly a surprise that she isn't in the mood to apply for jobs. When this situation has been going on for 6 months you may have a point but at the minute your'e coming across extremely selfishly.

cheesefield · 27/09/2018 15:28

Can you not move out and rent until the house is sold?

What would happen if you just stopped shopping and cooking for her? Tell her first obviously. Say that you can no longer afford to pay for her.

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 15:29

She lived off her dad when he was around and now she is expecting to live off us. Imagine yourself in this situation and tell me you’d be happy to work and study full time and then come home to run around after an able bodied woman?

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 15:30

This has been going on for 57 years, not just two weeks!

OP posts:
tillytop · 27/09/2018 15:30

Grieving > sorry, just noticed someone else had put that already.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/09/2018 15:30

Have you tried talking to her OP? Have you asked her to clear the dishes away or cooked a meal or has everyone just always done it for her?

Is she mentally well? Something doesn't sound right here with her. I do understand your frustration and resentment of her tbf.

user139328237 · 27/09/2018 15:30

I would expect that most decent people would help their parents out literally a fortnight after the unexpected death of one of their parents yes.

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 27/09/2018 15:32

You're coming home to her home OP.
Expecting to live off you? It's been two weeks.
I hope there is an empathy and sympathy module in your nursing training.

auntyflonono · 27/09/2018 15:33

Dont move out! Get the house ready to sell and stay until its sold. Set up accounts for all beneficiaries and instruct the solicitors to pay into them when the house is sold. What she does is up to her. If you move out it might get complicated, if you are there you can steer her toward renting a flat and pack with her.

auntyflonono · 27/09/2018 15:34

Cook ready meals, one each for your and DP, if she looks a bit lost suggest she buy some.