Help, It’s a MIL one.

[whattodoaboutMIL]

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

As I understand it, only the executor/s or solicitor appointed by executor/s can apply for probate. Only one can apply and all must agree.

whattodo it is a very tough situation and you may have had had to get on with things and its what I do but if you want things to change you are the one that is going to have to change...

it is not in MIL interest to change her behaviour/situation- even less so now as she has lost her enabler.... DGF has done her no favours buy not pushing her to look after herself

If you do not want to become her enabler then you have to stop doing things for her
either by staying put and not doing things for her....even if it is 'easier'
or by moving out and letting things come to a head- or not she may well be able to cope if she has too...

If your DP wants to become her enabler then that is up to him his options are the same as yours really - but he would have to be the one doing teh cooking/chores/laundry

Why are you the housekeeper for everyone?

Everytime you do something for her you take away the opportuinity for her to do something for herself

to be blunt you are not her family - you can just walk away from this...
DP is family but he to can also walk away

you sound like a caring person who is trying to sort out everybodies issues for them - but they are adults

I feel that my intentions are being misrepresented somewhat. It’s not that we want to take the money and run away as far and fast as possible! I have no interest in pulling the carpet from under her feet as I do love her (yes, really!) and this is her home as much as it is ours. My issue, as I have said all along, is that she cannot expect to just be kept as she has been all her life by two people who can’t afford to do so. I don’t know why some posters are giving me a hard time as I could just refuse to support her but I do it anyway.

Do you think that is normal behaviour?

Why are you so sure she does not have mental health issues? considering everything you have written and that you said the way she reacts to situations is not 'normal' sometimes.

You even wrote that you do not think she could even do a proper food shop or cook a meal. She does the washing up but cannot clean the plates properly. She does not do her own laundry.

You would worry if you left her alone.

Is this because she cant do it or wont?

If she cant then she needs to be assessed as an vulnerable adult. I think there is a deeper issue here then an lazy MIL.

If she won’t talk about it, you need to make her face the issue herself.
I’d stop cooking for her. Let the food in the fridge run down, go out to eat a couple of evening, and force her to deal with it.

If she worked until recently, she probably has a pension (hopefully) and at 57 she could claim it. If she’s buying clothes & chocolate, she must have some money.

Two weeks since the grandpa died? It will be months, possibly at least a year until probate is sorted.
If his mum has been infantilised, this is not really her fault, but her parents’. On top of her grief, you can’t expect her to suddenly change. And while I can imagine she’s bloody annoying to live with, putting this on her now, two weeks after her DF passed away is pretty unreasonable. Grief, anxiety (about the will and executorship) will all be putting her under a lot of pressure. If she couldn’t cope with real life before his death, it’s going to be even harder for her now.
Also, being honest, you should leave this to your DP and his family to sort out. Nobody will thank you if you meddle.
Any beneficiaries with reduced mental capacity may need court-appointed trustees. The need to protect them may delay things further. Your DP should consult a solicitor. They will give him proper advice. His mum should too.
If it’s too much for you, move out until it’s all sorted.

She is capable of doing it, I think, but she’s never had to do it so she just doesn’t do it if that makes sense? She’s never moved out apart from briefly before DP was born so she’s sort of stuck in the teenage phase where food magically appears in the fridge and on the plate and the laundry fairies bring clean clothes. I do understand why she is the way she is, but I just don’t know how you even begin to teach a 57 year old lady how to be an adult.

There will come a time when DP and I do have to leave her and live in a home of our own so I just want to make sure she knows how to do these things sooner rather than later as I need to know she’ll be okay.

You can't teach her! What you can do is stop enabling her! You don't have to do her washing so stop you don't have to cook for her you don't have to buy food for her!

Rota-

Make a weekly rota with meal plans and cleaning jobs on it. Put the budget on it too.

Speak to her about it.

Be explicit about it.

And also do see a solicitor.

If your MIL doesn’t comply with the rota, then you should move out ASAP.

Fuck me, so I cook for her, clean up after her, do her laundry and I’m not a decent person because I can’t afford to do it? I did it before he died, too, if you read all my posts.

Yes, but before he died you did it in return for a roof over your head. You did it because it was the status quo in the House of your Grandfather, where you were living under His Roof.

Your MIL also lived there to be supported by GF and that was His Choice, to support his daughter.

Why the fuck are you suddenly turning on MIL as if you are somehow better than her? You have full time jobs, and she has nothing at all - she has lost her lifelong support and her father. 2 weeks ago. Maybe she has MH issues. Maybe she has been trained into a life of dependency. maybe she has no idea how to live in the real world.

If you don't want to feed her etc then TELL her you are not going to. Or fucking move out if it is so intolerable to you - or are you unwilling to give up your rent-free roof??. Stop acting as if you are in any way superior to her.

whattodoaboutMIL Thu 27-Sep-18 15:52:59

I feel that my intentions are being misrepresented somewhat

Possibly by your username? Or by saying you don't expect her to get a job yet are sending her job adverts? Honestly, your actions don't match your words. Probate in the circumstances that you describe will take a very long time - many months.

OP have you clearly said to her. "Mary, your share of the shopping this week is £23, the electric this week is £13 and your share of the council tax is £24 that makes the total for this week £xxxx. It will be the same next week too"? I would forget about the washing up etc as i think it's a losing battle. You / DP would be cooking and washing up the meal anyway for the two of you. It's not fair but you may have to shrug it off. Can you get her to agree to the sale without specifying that she won't be living with you? Also download benefits forms and fill them in with her as she should at least get JSA. It's an odd way for her to have lived her life to the extent of not even parenting her child despite being 25. I would think that impossible if there wasn't some form of MH going on.

It does sound incredibly frustrating. I guess I'd want to know what her deal is. Why does she want to not work, not claim benefits, not do anything and just hide out in her room. It's not a nice existence.Do you think there could be an underlying problem?

Whose name are all the bills in and who pays them? Will DH not just ask her for a contribution if it's you two who are paying? Could you not explicitly say to her "Look MiL we're saving up for a deposit so we're tightening the purse strings and want to get the household finances sorted out. Your third comes to X."

"Hi MiL, we're doing a supermarket shop today do you want to go in on it or are you going to buy your own stuff. If you want to share with us it comes to £Y"

(Obviously a reasonable person would have offered to contribute without being asked but since that hasn't happened you will have to be more direct)

Sometimes it is not that simple as just doing it if you do have some issues.

It sounds like her parents were her carers. She may not had the mental capability to raise her son so that responsibility was also put onto her parents.

I am making assumptions based on what you told me, it just seems unlikely a 57 year old woman would stay in this forever teenage mode without there being an plausible reason (learning difficulties/mental health issues)

I would advice you stop cooking for her, doing her laundry and see how she copes alone, can she do all these things herself?

If you and your partner decide to move out and your MIL is struggling living on her own, then contact Adult Social Services and request for her to be assessed. Hopefully the MIL would agree to this and she could get some help.

This is all based on, if she has genuine issues and its not just an laziness issue.

Maybe I could suggest she accompanies me on a food shop and then helps me plan and cook meals until we’re at a point where she can cook one meal a week and eventually build up confidence to shop and cook independently? DGF’s car is just sat there on the drive and she’s previously expressed a wish to learn to drive, she had lessons but gave up so maybe DP and I could help with that too.

Just to be clear - we were sending her the job adverts BEFORE he died, not since! Bloody hell, I’m not that horrible

People are talking about MIL as if she's completely incapable but if she held down a job until not that long ago she can't be that bad. She's just used to having everything done for her at home.

Wow. Just wow. 2 weeks since her dad passed. Give her some time.

I'd agree with the two weeks people, no matter what relationship she had with him 2 weeks is such a short amount of time. Here's the situation: she lived there, you moved in while he was healthy, but it's still her home. I find it really sad, and no matter how badly off you are if you're working you can move out. People do it all the time. Let her and her siblings decide what to do with the house for the moment, if they sell your dp gets his share, if they don't when they pass on then you owning the house is something to think about but it's not great you thinking about it now. Give it some time. And telling someone in their late fifties who hadn't worked all that time isn't great tbh-look at the world we're in. If you are going to be living together for a while ask her to cook or to show you how to cook something and if she does clean plates badly then what about it?( my DH would acknowledge if very pushed to it that I don't do the dishes etc as well as he does, maybe your standards are too high!) Good luck. Oh and maybe do sit down and chat to dmil, ask her how she's coping l, it can't be an easy time for her

A will with a occupied property and 2 executors who are unable to act will take both significant cost and time to administer. It is very likely that your partner will only receive a fraction of the amount you are expecting as a substantial portion will be spent on lawyers fees

I was about to say the same. Your OP might hope his 20% will provide a deposit, but the chances of him actually getting it are probably minimal

Instead of spending years in a battle you won't win with your OP's mother, why not move away from it all and start a new life together without all this mess? You mentioned "worrying about her", but if there aren't any mental health issues and she's been able to work, no doubt she'd be able to cope if she chose to

But she's not going to "choose" while everyone else is carrying her round, is she?

She was a housekeeper at the hospital so I know she knows how to clean and do things. When she quit her job, DP and I tried to encourage her not to do it without a back-up plan and have been trying to gently coax her to look for a job she’ll enjoy since, but no way have we mentioned it since DGF died.

We do chat! I’m having a cup of tea with her right now. She does make a lot of tea tbf, it’s like living with Mrs Doyle

Why did she suddenly quit her job? That’s weird.

And I’m all about being aware of mh and how it may be underlying. Sometimes though people have just been brought up to believe the world revolves around them. If her parents allowed her to not pay her way/get cooked for/cleaned up after her expecting it to continue is to be expected.