Help, It’s a MIL one.

[whattodoaboutMIL]

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

I'm confused Try reading the thread then. HTH.

MIL in the sense we’ve been together for the best part of a decade and just haven’t got around to getting hitched yet. So not officially MIL but as good as.

But please read the thread.

I did read the thread. And I wouldn't advise anyone to invest so much energy in the fate of a house that doesn't actually belong to them. MN is littered with women who thought spending years together gave them rights.

Well then I don’t think reading comprehension is your strong suit seeing as the fate of the house isn’t my main concern, the financial situation of the here and now is what I’m worried about and how to move forward about subbing her.

Elspeth you are massively missing the principle of the matter.

The OP has clearly stated that her and her partner (partner not boyfriend there's a difference) moved in to save up for a deposit, not to wait for their grandad to die

Before, and now, MIL (the abbreviation is easier than saying 'my partners mother' by the way) has relied on other people's money and good nature to sit on her arse and be a CF.
The OP is treading carefully at this point because the death of MIL's dad is so new and raw but she is well aware of the fact that this issue is going back many many years and is now costing the OP and her partner time and money, money they could have been saving for a desposit.

So now say again that you read the thread...?

Nah she's had 10 pages of advice on that though. Just giving a different perspective, but feel free to ignore.

It's not as if there's anything you can do about the woman. She's not for changing. She's spent over half a century being fairly bone idle. And the house has to be sold, with 5 beneficiaries. So sooner or later, it is going to turn into a house issue. Sooner rather than later.

Just move out with your DH, no one owes you to let you live with them so you can save

stayathomer

Mummyoflittledragon She can wallow after just two weeks surely? What’s the time frame you’d give for grieving someone who sounds lovely who you’ve shared a home and life with?

At 57 the woman has been wallowing in something for the last 40 odd years and doing absolutely nothing for the past year. I’m not suggesting the woman should be skipping up the road looking for jobs. Perhaps just shopping for food and feeding herself would be a good start. It isn’t acceptable that she is moping around and expecting everyone else to mop up after her and do everything apart from physically spooning the food into her mouth.

I know how awful it is to loose my father. Especially as I was still a child when it happened. I was sitting all my exams within a couple of days of his death and had already sat some whilst he was dying. Now that was really fucking shit. Sit exams or spend more time with my dying father.

So excuse me if I think this woman is and has been taking the piss for a long time. People don’t get a total reprieve. Life to some extent has to go on. What would happen if everytime someone dies their relations stop doing anything? Kids would starve for a start off.

The only thing the OP, well her DP needs to do, is to sit down with his mother and tell her that now Grandad isn't paying for her food and upkeep, that she has to find a way of doing.

The same with jobs around the house. Surely that's obvious?

OP I've not read all of the thread but just some recent inputs. Judging by some of the rebuffs you've given along the way, you're clearly not a door mat or a shrinking violet. It's a good idea to sit down x 3 and say "grocery budget per week £120 (example) we each need to put £40 cash in per week - here's mine" and put your contribution on the table. Simple collect the money once a week, cash off everyone and provide a receipt. No money, no meals. I'm sure she won't put her money in to begin with and probably steal bread etc.....in which case it's just two plates of food on the table not 3. Keep saying, give us your £40 and we will include you in the meals. Then, try and get a jobs rotation going - one day someone cooks, next day that person clears & washes up, next day someone does bathrooms etc. It is the only way. That, or you two just get out!

Sorry Mummyoflittledragon but people are allowed to wallow and fall apart after a death. I'm sorry you were thrown in at the deep end (really and truly) but people deserve to mourn however they want to especially if they have relatives there to pick up the slack

OK OP, you need to do this a step at a time.

Get the funeral organised and out of the way.

She will need you to walk her through the process.

Set up a meeting to discuss what you all do next, have a number of options. She may need direct guidance to carry out instructions, like "It's Tuesday, you make dinner for 7:30"

She has held down a full time job, she can nail life.

Okay, so I did the food shop last night and said enthusiastically to DP while MIL was in the room, “only £45! Not a bad shop for only £15 each!”

MIL said she’s lost her bank card, not sure if she has or not but I didn’t push it, just advised her to cancel it and order a new one. I’ll mention it again next week, ask if she got it sorted.

She is royally taking the piss out of you.

Offer to look for it! Must be in the house surely?

@whattodoaboutMIL why weren't you just straight with her? Don't hint the price and payment go in and say "it cost £45 so that's £15 each. I can take cash or a bank transfer"

She's using you both and you're just letting her!!

Did you really cave that quickly on the shopping money? Oh dear. She thinks you are soft touches and she doesn't have to pay.

Get harder. "MIL, we need you to transfer that £15 today, money is tight."

You do realise there is fuck all chance she's lost her card, right? She lied to your face to avoid paying her way. That's really fucking nasty of her. If she had lost her card why would she need you to tell her to get a new one? Why hadn't she already? Because it is a big fat lie, that's why. You should be an awful lot angrier than you are about someone behaving like that. Get a damn cheque off her. Drive her to the bank with photo id if you have to so you get them money.

Don't apologise for demanding either. Act like it is completely obvious that she will be paying her £15 today by one means or another. Make sure you get it off her. Or you'll be paying every bill for the next 5 years as you seethe with resentment.

Now that DGF has died, his bank accounts will be frozen. Won't this change things? Because there is no more of his money just sloshing around for the bills.
All the utility bills will have to change into your names or the executor's name? Then either she or your guys will be legally liable for the all the bills? How do you plan to pay for the funeral expenses? Has she engaged in any of these discussions about bills, debts on the estate etc?

I hate it when people say NC because this could be outing

I’ve namechanged because it really is a ridiculously outing situation and I don’t want it linked to my other posts if someone I know reads it, it’s quite simple.

I didn’t push the bank card issue because it could be true and if it is then it’ll be resolved within a few working days so I will remind her one more time and if she fobs me off again then I will be tougher with her.

We are changing the names on the bills to the three of us and paying them accordingly. DGF’s will states that funeral expenses are to come out of his estate.

She doesn’t really understand a lot of it, Seaweed. I think perhaps a trip to CAB (accompanied by DP and her mentally well sister) will maybe clarify things for her.

Her mentally well sister? Are you now saying MIL isn't mentally well? What doesn't she understand?

All through this thread posters including me have said that you need to sit down with her and talk to her regarding her paying her way. You seem to have skirted around those posts and never answered them. Why is that?

No, if you read upthread you’ll see I’ve mentioned that MIL has two sisters, one of whom is mentally unwell.

You’ll also see that I’ve said DP has tried to talk to her but she just starts shouting at him.

Ah right yes I get you now. I thought you were saying MIL wasn't mentally well.

I've also seen the fact your DH and MIL don't get on which is why I think you need to sit down and spell it out to her that you aren't happy paying her share of the bills. Not casually mentioning how much the shopping as cost!

I also think she may have boerderline personality disorder - the way she has been behaving for so many years is so unreasonable.

She needs time but also for it to be clear that things will have to change now. So perhaps start putting things in place for a month, 6 weeks time and making sure she has advanced warning? Say you know this will be hard for her as it is so different to how things were when her father was alive but you all need to make it work now he has sadly gone.

And introduce rotas and sharing costs over a 2-3 month period, so she has time to adjust. Kind but concretely form, and you/your partner having a strong united front.